The ice storm?

Apparently we're supposed to have some sort of ice storm tonight. In Georgia this means that approximately a millimeter of rain will probably fall and if it does turn to ice, it'll melt by 6 am. But of course, the news is doing special broadcasts from the grocery store. Yes, I'm serious. I actually went to Kroger tonight. I wasn't think about the looming ice storm, but rather that I need more diet coke. It was a little more crowded than usual but I really didn't put two and two together until I saw the news.

I ran five miles tonight on the treadmill. It was hard. It was okay after mile three. It is always okay after mile three. It's like no matter how many miles I am capable of running, the first three always SUCK. They SUCK more on the treadmill though because all I do is watch the seconds go by. I probably run slower outside since I don't really have any way of pacing myself, but the runs feel so much faster. Not that I'm running fast, just that it's over quicker.

When I first started working at my old job and I lived farther away, I'd go to the gym and lift weights during lunch. When I moved closer, going home and taking a power nap was much more appealing. This new job is not close enough to go home by any means but it is really close to a branch of LA Fitness. This is good. Maybe this will make me lift weights. I mean, I don't have anything else to do for my lunch hour.

First day is over

The first day is always the worst. Not knowing where to go when you walk in, meeting a bunch of people and promptly forgetting their names, not knowing how to log into your email, how to make an outside call or which printer to print to.

But I learned all those things (well, except people's names) today so tomorrow will be much less nerve racking. I also learned that several people like to have a drink with lunch. I liked learning that. I had a diet coke myself. I didn't think it would be a good idea to show my true colors right away.

I think that I am going to like this job.

Good and bad

Good things:

1. I start my new job tomorrow.
2. I ran .4 miles more than I was supposed to today. So I can run .4 less tomorrow. I didn't do this on purpose.
3. Cookies & Cream Tofutti Cuties.
4. Ann Taylor Loft clothes
5. I exfoliated and my face feels very soft and there are visibly less blackheads.
6. Casual Fridays.
7. The Real Chow Baby.
8. Weekend long run is only 12 miles. Haha, only.
9. My dad called me to tell me good luck tomorrow. This was rather unexpected. I talked to him last week. This definitely exceeds our usual once a month conversations.

Bad things:

1. I'm nervous about my new job.
2. Where is my period?
3. No vitamuffins at Whole Foods.
4. Target's bras. They're cheap but apparently cheap for a reason. I tried on five, they looked weird under my shirt.
5. Nothing on TV.
6. Most of my friends are in relationships and will be doing something romantic for Valentine's Day. I won't.
7. The roof of my mouth. I burned it on my lunch. It still hurts.

Okay, that's more good than bad at least.

Feeling much better

I feel better now. These past three weeks have been hard. I've been by myself a lot. I mean, I go out on weekends and occasionally during the week, but the majority of my days have been at my apartment. Alone. So I'm looking forward to starting work again. If not for the money, just to have social interaction again.

Starting a new job is always scary. I should know; I've had five (and tomorrow will be six) first days. I'm just talking professional office jobs. I hate not knowing what to do. It's not that I'm afraid of not knowing how to do something because I'm a pretty quick learner, but not knowing how I should manage my time. I know the first few weeks of a job are spent asking the boss, "What should I do now?" I like it when that phase is over; I like to know what I need to do. I hate not know what to do for lunch. Do I bring lunch? Will they invite me out? Should I go to the gym? Can I sleep in my car? I guess all these questions will be answered in time.

I know it doesn't seem that way
But maybe it's the perfect day
Even though the bills are piling
And maybe Lady Luck ain't smiling

But if we'd only open our eyes
We'd see the blessings in disguise
That all the rain clouds are fountains
Though our troubles seem like mountains

There's gold in them hills
There's gold in them hills
So don't lose heart
Give the day a chance to start

Every now and then life says
"Where do you think you're going so fast"
We're apt to think it cruel but sometimes
It's a case of cruel to be kind

And if we'd get up off our knees
Why then we'd see the forest for the trees
And we'd see the new sun rising
Over the hills on the horizon

There's gold in them hills
There's gold in them hills
So don't lose faith
Give the world a chance to say...

A word or two, my friend
There's no telling how the day might end
And we'll never know until we see
That there's gold in them hills

There's gold in them hills
So don't lose heart
Give the day a chance to start

There's gold in them hills
There's gold in them hills

- Ron Sexsmith "Gold in Them Hills"

Notice the time

It's 5:02 am. I'm awake for absolutely no reason. Well not true. I think I'm partially awake because I'm hungry. After an annoying Nothing fits me. I don't undersand why I am have this muffin top thing going on. How do I get rid of it?episode at the mall (italics are meant to be read in a super whiny voice), I went to bed hungry. I had an apple at about nine thirty but tried to ignore that grumbling at midnight. So off to sleep I went, dreaming of pizza bagels and onion soup. So yeah, now here it is 5:06 am, my last day of sleeping in, and I'm completely awake and had to eat.

I can never tell with the food thing. I can't tell if I'm nervous about the job and am projecting my anxieties into other things instead of that. I'm sure that's part of it. But really, my pants don't feel right. And I do have the muffin top thing going on, especially in the back.

I hate it when I get this way. I don't want to be one of those people that's obsessed with her body. You'd think that training for a marathon would help me. You'd think that I'd learn to view my body as strong and capable. Sometimes I do. But then I go into Old Navy, where their pants haven't fit right in years but I forget that, and I can't button the 8s and my self-image plummets. By stupid cheap-ass Old Navy.

Fucked up.

Sometimes I don't want to write about stuff like this. I want to pretend it doesn't exist. I could pretend. I could just write about running thousands of miles and funny adecdotes about boys and dates gone awry, but this is part of who I am, or at least who I am right now, and I don't think I should deny that.

Life lessons part two

1. When you write thank you notes to three people with whom you've just had an interview with, it'd help if you put stamps on them.
2. Even though your nail polish remover and makeup remover are both a shade of blue, they should not be confused. (Fortunately, I realized this right before I put nail polish remover on my eye. Umm, blind much?)
3. When you complain about not understanding why it's so cold in your apartment and swearing that the air coming out of the vent feels cold, you should actually make sure you have it on heat and not cool.

Umm, yeah, losing my mind.

I'm bloggerly challenged

Has anyone used that new template tool? Will it erase my current template or if I save the HTML, can I paste it back in? Also, my post titles aren't clickable. I've been poking around looking for the code that would make them so and can't find it.

Life lessons

1. Just because you ran 16 miles does not mean you need to eat 573857398 chips.
2. You cannot go out and party after running said amount. It doesn't work. You're tired.
3. You are especially tired when you are at a bar that is not conducive to boy talking. If boys were in the picture, maybe lesson number 2 wouldn't be valid, although it probably would be.

Sleepy time.

Adina or Lauren

Do this with me. This looks like so much fun.

Muddy Buddy

Wasn't so bad

16 miles wasn't so bad. I mean, towards the end I really, really wanted it to be over but not any more than 15 or even 10. I think the major difference was that I really concentrated on fueling myself. (What am I, a car?) I brought a Clif gel and then two bags of Clif Shots or whatever they're called - the gummi squares. I also stopped twice to get Propel. I think I do better with a gel than with the gummy thing. It's also easier to carry. I bought the gummy things in two flavors - lemon-lime and margarita. Lemon-lime was good. As for margarita, I don't really know why you'd really want an energy gel to vaguely taste of tequila. I mean, maybe you're supposed to pretend that you're actually sipping a margarita instead of running 53857 miles. Apparently, that's what I thought it'd do when I bought it. Or I'm just a sucker with a drinking problem.

I'll admit, I walked up a monster hill. I walked a little bit in addition to that. But I mostly ran. By the end, my legs were screaming at me but I actually felt fine. I wasn't winded or anything. I have the physical fitness level to do this, my legs just disagreed. My IT band (or what I've self diagnosed as my IT band) was bothering me again. But yeah, it was decent run.

16 miles sounds really far

I am not looking forward to this. 16 miles sound really far. What am I talking about? 16 miles is really far! I'm trying to drink a lot of water right now. I'm sure I've written about this before, but I absolutely suck at drinking water. All in all, I'm a pretty healthy person; I eat well, I exercise but my main source of liquid is diet coke. I can't help it. I don't like water. It's also very hard to drink it when I'm home all day. When I was working, I had this big-ass water bottle that I would try to fill up and drink before the day was over. It was almost like I had a competition with myself to see if I could do it. Now the big-ass bottle is on my desk, but it rarely gets filled up more than a quarter of the way.

I had a big glass of wine last night before I went out. That probably wasn't the wisest idea. I wasn't drunk but I did fall asleep in my jeans. A part of me was happy that I did because these specific jeans are kind of my tester jeans. If they're tight, I've gained weight. If they're comfortable, I'm okay. They are one of my only pairs that don't have stretch in them, so it really is a good indication. So the fact that they were comfortable enough for me to sleep in is good. I also woke up at about 6 am and drank a ton of water. Is that the answer? Get so dehydrated from alcohol that the water actually tastes good? I must have drank three glasses. Three is a lot for me. Come to think of it, going out two days before my long run isn't such a good idea either. Guess I'm going to have to nip the Thursday night drinking in the bud. (Is it bud or butt?)

I tried to go shopping today. I went to Old Navy, TJ Maxx, DSW, Filene's Basement and Target. And do you know what I bought at all of those places? A pair of earrings and a magazine. That's it! I was not feeling comfortable with my body, despite sleeping in the jeans, and just wasn't in the mood to try stuff on. Plus, the stores, especially DSW, are such teases this time of year. Shorts, capris, skirts and rows upon rows of sandals. It's January. I know I live in the South, but it's still in the 40s here.

Things that I want to spend money on

- A manicure and pedicure
- Whole Foods salad
- Clothes
- Magazines
- Target
- Lunches and dinners with friends

And guess what? I CAN. I was just offered a job at the company that where I interviewed on Wednesday. I accepted the position and I start on Wednesday. I might be getting ahead of myself with the spending. They are going to issue a formal letter on Monday when their CEO comes back.

So, question. I was unemployed for a week according to the state since I had two weeks of severance pay. So, I haven't filed for unemployment yet. The first time I'd be able to do so would be this Sunday and I'd be filing for this past week. Do I bother with it? I mean, I know it's money and I could still use it but will it screw up my taxes or is there any reason that a person wouldn't want to file for unemployment. I mean, does reflect badly on me in any way?

That's far away

Kuwait, that is. One of my best friends is moving there for a year. This is my friend S. S lives in Maryland. I have no idea if S reads this blog or not, but I'm going to give you a little background on us. We met in high school. We hung out in the same group and were always close. He's one of the few friends from MD that visited me in Vermont. He had this girlfriend M for a while. Both S and M (haha, that was not intentional) were sort of stuck. They both weren't in school and had dead end mall jobs. So they decided to join the army. In order to be stationed together, they had to be married, so at age 19 or 20, they got married. At some point they lived in Miami. I forget why. My grandparents lived about an hour North of Miami so I saw them when I visited. I remember one time, M was sleeping and S and I went outside to collect golf balls on an golf course at like 3 in the morning. I remember being attracted to him. Nothing happened.

Fast forward a couple years. I graduated from UVM and came back to Maryland. S was living in Georgia, in the army. He and M had broken up. He was visiting and had a party at his mother's house one night. We crossed that line and things became physical. That was in 2000 or 2001. It's stayed that way, on and off, for the past six years. It's a funny relationship and I'm not going to lie, I've probably gotten my heart broken more than once. It's more than just an F buddy or a friend with benefits because this is my best friend. You know that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie decides that she wants to date her fuck buddy and it doesn't work? This isn't like that. It's not just physical. He's my best friend. But the circumstances haven't been right. We've always lived far apart. Neither one of us wants a long distance relationship. We've talked about if we did live in the same city, that we both would be interested in trying it, but the fact of the matter is that we don't. And I don't feel that passionately that I want to leave my life in Atlanta to try something out. I'm sorry, but I don't. I love him to death but it's more of a friendly love. I like the physical aspect, sure, it's fun, but I honestly don't know what it would be like to actually have a relationship with him.

I look forward to visiting Maryland so I can see him. Bottom line. And now he's going away for a year. It sucks. Maybe it's for the best though. Maybe I need to get over him. I just wish he wasn't leaving. I wish he wasn't going to the Middle East. I hope he'll be okay. I hope he doesn't read my blog!

What's that growling?

Oh, it's my stomach.

I am so hungry. I just had to eat a snack at midnight. I know that I can blame it on running but have a really been running that much that I need to constantly be shoving food in my mouth? I'm running around 27-30 miles a week right now. That's a lot but not that much. I mean, it is, but in terms of other, more hardcore runners, it's not. I know I just need to eat if my body is telling me to, but sometimes it (my body) gets confused. I think the part of my brain that tells me if I'm actually hungry or if I'm bored is broken. How do you mend a broken brain?

Speaking of broken brains, I watched the last episode of Six Feet Under tonight. I cried hysterically. Full on sobs. If anyone reading this hasn't seen the show, I highly recommend it.

Oops

I was supposed to run 4 miles today and just calculated my route and it was 5.3. I guess that makes up a little bit for the 3 miles that I didn't do yesterday.

I had another interview this afternoon. I think it went okay. I can never tell. All of the places where I interviewed had plusses and minuses:

Interview 1
Pro - It was a really cool environment and I liked the people.
Con - It was the farthest away.

Interview 2
Pro - It was like two minutes from my house. My friend works there and likes it. The work seems really interesting.
Con - They are not sure if and when they are going to hire someone.

Interview 3
Pro - The people seemed nice and were joking around a lot. There were cute boys. They said there was a lot room for growth.
Con - The work might be a bit boring.

But seriously, I liked them all so if any of them want to give me an offer, I'd be happy.

Sob story

I am a little sad right now. I have two more episodes of 6FU until it's over and the last one I watched made me hysterically cry. But it's not so much a TV show that getting me down; it's everything. It's not having a job. It's being by myself all day. It's being alone. I feel so fucking alone right now. I have friends, sure, but between not having any money to spare and running all the time, I barely see them. When I do, I go out and get wasted. This is not what I want. But sometimes I feel the need to cram all the fun, all the conversation that I would have in a week into several hours because that's all I get. A's ignoring or avoiding me. What are we in seventh grade? Because I told him that I liked him? I don't care exactly. He's just some guy. There's always going to be some guy. I know that. I never thought of myself as the type of person that needs a male companion to feel whole, but sometimes it would be nice. Time after time, I fall for the wrong guy. I know there are blogs upon blogs of single women looking for love and I don't want this to become one but damn, why can't I meet a guy that doesn't have some tragic flaw?

I did go out tonight. I met some friends at Twains and I didn't run. It was only three miles that I skipped. I was all set to go to the gym when Jamie called and asked me to meet him out. At first I said no. But then I changed my mind. I needed to get out of my apartment. It's getting claustrophobic.

I got upset earlier today. One of the interviewers, the place where I thought I was really going to get the job, sent me an email saying he was impressed and liked me but they weren't sure if they were going to hire someone or not. If they did, I'd be on the top of the list. But that's an IF and I don't want an IF. I'm sick of my friends asking me how the job search is going. I'm sick of people telling me that it'll be okay. I want it to be okay now.

It's totally this TV show that's got me all depressed. I thought about watching the final two episodes but then realized I'd be up until 2 am and although I don't have to get up early, I resolved to just watch it tomorrow.

Damn TV

I just finished watching the episode of 6FU where that happens. I knew it was going to happen but it didn't stop me from screaming NO at the tv. Now I'm supposed to meet friends out. How can I meet them out?

Okay, TV has taken over my life.

Can we talk

about the fact that I have to run 16 miles on Saturday? Yep, that's right 16. That's one more than the grueling 15 two weekends prior and 5 more than the even more grueling 10 last weekend. You know what's hard about running these long distances? It's not so much my legs getting tired or running out of stamina or spending 3+ hours of my day running, it's finding a route. I use gmap-pedometer to find my routes but the problem is sometimes there are no sidewalks. Let me tell you, it's not fun running on the shoulder of a busy street. Although it probably does help with my speed. The smart thing to do would be to map out a route and then go check in my car for sidewalks. But do I ever think to do that? No. In an effort to make this as easy as possible, here are some things that I've decided to do:
1. Not take that dumb fuel belt. Okay, it was 30 dollars that my unemployed ass need not have spent. It bounces around too much and isn't snug. Plus the water is heavy. And when it's finally comfortable, it's because the water is empty. So, this time I'm just going to bring cash and stop at gas stations. I found out that the race has Powerade and Clif products. Problem with Powerade is that it doesn't come in those nice little squeezy bottles like Propel. I really don't want to be running while I'm screwing and unscrewing a cap.

2. Eat. My ten mile run might or might not have sucked because I didn't eat anything during it. I bought some Clif Gel and Clif shots (Margarita and Lemon Lime flavor) to try those. I'm also interested in Nancy Clark's recommendation of little Milky Ways. Although it'd have to be Snickers. Not a fan of nougat. What the hell is nougat anyway?

My first job

“This isn’t the type of place where everyone goes to happy hour after work,” the Creative Director at the agency where I was interviewing informed me.

“Uhh, okay.” I said. I wanted a job, not a drinking buddy.

But the me of six years ago wouldn’t have felt the same way. When I first came back to Maryland after spending four years in Vermont, it was a bit of an adjustment. Gone was the melange of hippies and snowboarders that I was used to seeing on a daily basis. I was back in my old stomping grounds but with nothing to stomp on. I had some friends from high school still in the area but four years and 500 miles changes a person. So I set off to find new friends.

I wanted to wait tables. I saw that as an opportunity to meet new people. And it was. I suddenly became engulfed in the server culture. I had a whole new group of friends and I liked it. But I wasn’t doing anything with my life and although I was okay with that, my parents, who paid $120,000 for my four smoke-filled years of college, were not.

So I got a job. I worked in the marketing art department of a DC newspaper. This was not the big newspaper. This was the “other” paper. I guess kind of like the “other white meat.” the one that no one really liked. Unless of course, they were a remember of the religious right. Or in a cult* I got lucky, in a way, because the art department was a fairly liberal bunch. We didn’t really fit with the rest of the people who worked at the paper.

It sounded somewhat glamourous if you forgot about the whole cult thing. Working for a DC newspaper. This was it. I was doing something actually related to my major. I would make new friends here. I was the baby of the department at 22. Although there were people that were also in their twenties, it too was not a type of place where everyone hung out after work. You picture DC and you picture the monuments, the mall, bustling sidewalks where people run in and out of starbucks. You picture friends and collegues going out for drinks in Georgetown or Capitol Hill. That DC exists, sure, but it wasn’t the one that I worked in. The paper was not in a good area. It was off a highway that connected DC with Maryland and the only place you could really walk to was a gas station and believe me, you wouldn't want to. We parked in a fenced in lot, commonly referred to as “The Cage.” In order to get to "The Cage," you had to walk past several warehouses that might or might not have had squatters in them. "The Cage" got broken into more than once.

The main problem with this job was not the area or the lack of social opportunities. It was the lack of work. Since the other DC paper was a million times more popular, everyone placed ads in it instead of us. There were 7 or 8 of us working 10 hour days with no lunch break sharing about an hour worth of work. It was boring. We didn’t have the internet for a while. There was a small computer in a back room that had AOL and we could periodically check our email on it.

I hated that job. I hated it fiercely. I hated the conservative nature of the company. I hated my boss who would occasionally make flippant anti-Semetic remarks. I hated being bored for so long.

So, I guess that absence does make the heart grow fonder because six years later, I think back to that job and think about how much I laughed. I have never laughed so much at any other job as I did there. Perhaps we were all desperate; we were so miserable that there wasn’t anything else to do. But we laughed. A lot. And I miss that.

* It was really owned by a religious cult. Bonus points if you can figure out where I worked. If you know anything about the DC area, it’s pretty easy to figure out.

PMS

Ignore the previous entry. I think PMS was rearing it's ugly head. I do feel like that a lot but it's not an everyday occurance. It happens more when I am stressed out. Instead of focusing on what is really bothering me, I suddenly get obsessed with food and weight.

I wish that someone would invent a good TV show. I just want to sit around and watch TV but nothing is on. Remember when TLC did a wedding story, then a dating story and then a makeover story? That was great. The baby story is not included because that one was boring. Why did they stop doing that? Now all they show are old episodes of WTNW and 10 years younger. Who cares if the person looks 10 years younger. If I looked ten years younger, I'd probably look around 12. Speaking of which, my mother called me today to emphasize that I need to wear makeup on these interviews so I don't look so young.

I was hoping for the final two discs of 6FU to arrive, but they didn't. Is this what my life has become, sitting around writing about TV?

Body issues

Training for a marathon makes you hungrier than usual. I'm having a hard time with that. I've been listening to my body and eating but I have this constant fear that I'm gaining weight. It's not completely unfounded, the last time I weighed myself I did weigh 5 pounds more than what my normal weight is. So, since then I've been scared to even look. I can't tell if I'm hungry or if I'm telling myself that I am because I want to eat. I think I'm honestly hungry. I went to Tanya's house today so she could help me with my portfolio and had to ask her if I could have something to eat. I had dinner and an ice cream sandwich when I got home but then had to have a snack a few minutes ago. My clothes fit the same but when I look in the mirror, all I see is fat.

I used to be heavier. Growing up. I lost a bunch of weight about 2 years ago and basically developed an eating disorder in the process. I was very choosy about what I would put and not put into my mouth. Forget sugar, white flour or partially hydrogenated oils. And it worked. I got small. Really small. But then things started happening - I was always cold, my hair got thin, my period only lasted two days, I had bad breath. And I realized that I wasn't being healthy. So I stopped. I ate normally. I indulged. And I gained about 10 pounds. Sometimes I wonder how I did it, how I had that "willpower." Because I don't have it anymore. And I know I'm healthier now and I know that I couldn't run a marathon if I wasn't eating, but I look in the mirror sometimes I wish I could be like I was before.

Just getting if off my chest. I'm not fishing for comments that say that I don't need to lose weight or whatever; this is the way I honestly feel. Don't worry, I care more about finishing this race than losing five pounds so I'm not going to resort to drastic measures. It's just hard.

Bored

I'm bored which is causing me to experiment with make up in the hopes that someone is going to call me with something great to do. That's not a Someone with a capital S, it's just anyone. I am refraining from calling Someone with a capital S (actuallly a capital A) because if he is not interested, then he is not. The problem is that I've called anyone that I want to hang out with and no one is answering their phone. A bunch of my friends are going to see Cowboy Mouth but I don't want to go to that.

My legs are sore from running the 10 miles.

I have two job interviews on Monday. I wish I had a new outfit to wear. That belongs in my previous list of things that I wish I could buy but I can't. The suit that I own (yes, THE suit, only one) has little faint pink stripes and it would be really cute with a pink shirt underneath but I only have white. Or blue.

10

I ran ten miles this afternoon. I was all like, "Ten miles, that's nothing. I ran 15 last weekend! It'll be a breeze." Umm, yeah. WRONG. It sucked. It was okay for the first half. My legs felt heavy and all little sore but not bad. I'm not exactly sure why I thought it would be a good idea to do a bunch of lunges and squats last night as I watched Grey's Anatomy. I don't know what happened but around mile 6 or so, my IT band just started bothering me and the slow burning in my quads intensified to a full on fire. Of course, at this point I came upon a huge ass hill and walked it. Eh, I did it. It's done. But 10 miles is still a very long run. Next time I won't get so cocky.

List of things that I want, but am not buying:
1. Eyebrow waxing. My eyebrows are a mess.
2. Pedicure. Not that it matter since it's winter but I like to have pretty toes. Especially when the nails are some weird purply color from running.
3. Target. Not sure what exactly I want from Target, but I can't go into Target without spending at least 40 dollars on stuff I didn't even know I needed.
4. Magazines. My addiction is suffering.

I'm about to bust out the tweezers and the Wet & Wild.

I know you don't care...

1. How many keys are on your keychain? 5
2. What makeup do you wear on a daily basis? Only a daily basis, none.
3. Is your AIM away message on? No.
4. If you could eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Sushi.
5. What curse word do you use the most? Fuck
6. Do you own an iPod? Yep, three of them. (Irene Pod was recently found. She was in a bag.)
7. Who on your Myspace "Top 8" do you talk to the most? This is irrelevant since I'm not posting this on Myspace, but if you really want to know, Jamie.
8. What time is your alarm clock set for? Back in the days of employment, it was 7:15.
9. Have you ever bid for something on ebay? I've used the buy now feature.

10. Do you wear flip-flops even when its cold outside? No way man. I'm always freezing.
11. Where do you buy your groceries from? Publix, Kroger, sometimes Whole Foods.
12. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? both
13. What was the last movie you watched? I haven't watched a movie in a long time. Might rent one tonight. Any suggestions?
14. Do any of your friends have children? Yes which makes me feel old.

15. If you won the lottery, whats the first thing you would buy? A plane ticket.
16. Has anyone ever called you lazy? I'm sure.
17. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster? No.
18. What CD is currently in your CD player? Some mix cd.
19. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? chocolate.
20. Has anyone told you a secret this week? Yes, in fact someone has.
21. What do you say when someone hits on you? It depends.
22. What did you have for dinner? Noodle soup and cottage cheese. Not mixed together.
23. Do you wear hoodies often? Sometimes.
24. What color is your car? Silver
25. Can you whistle? yes
26. What is your favorite Christmas/winter movie? Christmas Story.
27. Do you make your own jewelry?No
28. Have you ever participated in a protest? I don't think so.
29. Who was the last person to call you? Erin
30. Who was the last person you called? Erin again.
31. Where's your favorite place to vacation? Europe.
32. Have you ever dated one of your best friends? Well, I wouldn't call it dating.
33. What area code are you in right now? 404
34. Did you watch cartoons as a child? He-man and Shira. Thundercats. Wuzzles. All of 'em.
35. How big is your local mall? Pretty big.
36. What is your job title? Haha, funny funny.
37. How many siblings do you have? 2
38.Would you ever sky dive? Probably not.
39. What are you allergic to? Pollen, dust, hickory trees, mold and feathers.
40. What is your biggest regret? Stuff that happened in college.
41. Have you ever had Jamba Juice? Negative.

42. When was the last time you laughed so hard your sides hurt? Not sure.

43. What movies do you know every line to? Dazed and Confused.
44. Do you own any band t-shirts? DMB shirt from like 1997.
45. What is your favorite candle scent? Buttercream from Yankee Candle.
46. How many aunts and uncles do you have? 3.
47. When was your last plane ride? Thanksgiving.
48. Do you crack your knuckles? Yes
49. How many chairs are at your dining room table? I need a dining room table first.
50. What is your favorite salad dressing? Mediterranean at Whole Foods.
51. Do you read for fun? Yes
52. Can you speak any languages other than english? Nope
53. Where is your cell phone? On my bed.
54. Do you do your own dishes? What else would I eat on?
55. What color is your bedroom painted? Beige.
56. Are your parents divorced? yes
57. Have you ever cried in public? yes
58. Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop? desktop
59. Which do you make: wishes or plans? both.
60. Are you always trying to learn new things? sure
61. What messenger programs do you have? AIM
62. Do you shower on a daily basis? Define daily.
63. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? negative
64. Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date? No but I won't complain if he does.
65. Can you skip rocks? Never tried, but I'm going with no.
67. Have you ever been to Jamaica? Nope
68. What do you like to snack on at the movie theatres? Sour patch kids
69. Who was your favorite teacher? Apparently I have no teachers that made a very lasting impression.
70. Have you ever dated someone out of your race? Yes
71. What is the weather like? Cold but clear.
72. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos? I wouldn't not date someone for that reason, but I'm not primarily attracted to it.
73. Do you have an online journal? Wouldn't that be this?
74. Did you ever play Capture the Flag in school? Yes
75. What was your favorite class in high school? Photography, ceramics and english.
76. Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back? tummy or side.
77. What personality trait is a must-have in the opposite sex? sincerity.
78. Have you ever been attracted to someone physically unattractive? yes
79. When was the last time you slept on the floor? I prefer the bed.
80. What is your favorite alcoholic drink? Beer. Captain and diet or sugar free red bull and vodka if you're talking mixed drinks.
81. If you were born the opposite sex, what would your name have been? Gabriel.
82. Do you like your living arrangement? Sure.
83. Has anyone ever called you spoiled? Yes
84. What is your mothers and fathers hometowns? Long Island, NY (although she'll say Augusta, ME) and Hyattsville, MD.
85. Did you ever go to the same school as your parents? nope
86. How many hours of sleep do you need to function? 5ish
87. How much is gas where you live right now? Around 2 dollars.
88. What was the last thing to scare you? The no income thing is pretty scary.
89. Do you own a Playstation? no
90. How many times have you brushed your teeth today? once
93. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Probably about 30
94. Are your days full and fast-paced? Depends. Lately, no.
95. Did you ever get in trouble for talking in class? Yep
96. Is there carpet, wood or tile in the room you're currently in? carpet
97. Were you a "planned" child? Yes
98. What is you mom's name? Sheryl
99. What is your dad's name? Barry
100. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 29. Ack.

Marathon dreaming

I had my first marathon dream last night. Other than some random dream oddities, my mother and father hanging out in some women's locker room for one, the gist of it was that I was forgetting something. First I forgot something to keep my hair back, then I forgot gels and had to buy Clif bars at the grocery store. Plus in the dream, the marathon was just around a track, around and around and around.

I went to hear Nancy Clark speak last night with Lauren. She gave a pretty accurate assessment on her blog. There were a few things that I did take away from it. She addressed the issue of weight gain and marathon training. She said that when people do a long run, they feel that it affords them a leisurely rest of the day. She said that they may have just burned 1000 calories, but they are lying in bed for the rest of the day not burning what they'd normally burn. And then when you add in the, "I just ran 10 miles, I can have those cookies." it's a recipe for weight gain. She said that in order to figure out the amount of calories you need to take in, you take your ideal weight and multiply it by 10. That's the amount you need to just live. Then you add 500-700 for day to day activities and then you add 100 calories for each mile. So, going by her calculations, if I run 10 miles a day (which I don't, but if), I'd need 2850 calories to maintain my weight. Looking at it like that, weight loss seems easy. It's funny that a lot of what she talked about focused on weight loss.

After being all healthy with Nancy Clark, I went to a bar.

Frustrated

Not being offered a job, I understand. I chalk it up to someone out there being more qualified that I am. But when I interview for a job that I'm completely qualified for and then several months later see it being advertised again, I don't get it. This has happened twice recently. Am I really that bad of an interviewee? Does my portfolio really suck? What?

I'm having some problems. Aside from the normal I have no job, I have boy drama and I'm a little nutsy problems. When I go to the gym during the day, it gives me a lot of free time at night. And when I'm bored and have nothing to do, I eat. Or in last nights case, drink. I'm scared that I'm going to emerge from this unemployment thing 10 pounds heavier. Or an alcoholic. I had a drink last night because I knew that it would starve off the eating. But then I had two more. I'm not the type of person that drinks in the house, alone. I was just that bored. I have had no interaction with anyone besides through email and the checkout person at Kroger.

"And the world spins madly on"

I set my alarm this morning. I decided my days of getting up at noon and loafing around my apartment in my pajamas were over. Granted, I didn't set it that early, I mean I should take some advantage of the fact that I can sleep in. Got up, did job stuff for a while, took a nap (this was not planned) and went to the gym at 3. I went last night but didn't get to run. All of the treadmills were full even at 8:30. So I ended up doing 20 minutes on the scary step mill and 20 minutes on the arc trainer. Today, I did run 4 miles. It was a good run. I am starting to think that I really can do this marathon thing. It's not that I ever doubted myself or my ability it just didn't seem real. It seemed like some goal in the far, far distance. Now as it gets closer, it still doesn't seem real, but it seems like it could be.

Tomorrow, Lauren and I are going to hear Nancy Clark speak about Nutrition and racing.

I have an interview with Aquent, a temp agency, on Friday and then a real interview on Monday. Beauty and the Geek and The Real World are on tonight. Things seem to be looking up, a least a little bit.

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still
- The Weepies, "The World Spins Madly On"

Window of opportunity

Somehow I managed to miss the window of opportunity to go to the gym when it's not crowded. I'm not entirely sure how this is possible since I've been sitting on my ass all day, but lo and behold, now it's almost 4 pm and while I could go now, I'd be cutting it awfully close to becoming part of the after-work crowd. That's the problem with the gym; it is way too crowded. I know it's right after New Year's and everything, but my gym has always been crowded. It's full of Emory kids. That confuses me because if you go to Emory, don't you have access to a (free and probably nicer) gym? Why would you pay extra money to go to LA fitness? If I got there at 4, I could possibly do the 4 miles without guilt. And by guilt, I mean the guilt that overtakes me as I try my hardest to ignore the twenty minute treadmill time limit. It gets hard when the front desk person is constantly making me aware of it and when I can feel the eyes of other gym-goers bearing into the back of my head because they want that treadmill and I've been on it for 36 minutes already with no signs of stopping. So, inevitably I get off. I either don't finish my workout or I wait in line for another treadmill which totally kills the running zone I was in. I want to say, "I've been going to this gym for four years! I am not just here because it's January like the half of you who won't even know what the inside of the gym looks like by April. Give me my time on the treadmill!"

I told you, unemployed Lee is a bitch.

I know they mean well and everything

But I really wish my friends and family would stop asking me how my job search is going. How the hell do they think it's going? Umm, it's not. I've covered lettered and resumed my little heart out but nada. Plus, if there was even the remote possibility of something good happening, don't they think I would tell them? This is me. I am not one for secrets, especially not one about myself. Do they really think that the next time they ask, "How's the job search?" I'm going to say, "Oh I just found my dream job and I start tomorrow." I know they mean well and I'm just being a bitch but unemployment does that to you.

I did lift weights today. If nothing else, I better be in the best shape of my life because hey, I have plenty of time to work out.

Just a couple things

1. I cannot stop eating. Kitchen, food, mouth, repeat. All freaking day.
2. I'm not sure when I got sucked into The Hills, but Heidi went into a store that was obviously not CVS and came out with a CVS brand pregnancy test.

Get well soon

Dear Computer,

I can see the signs; your fan is always running even when you are asleep, I get the pinwheel more often than not, web pages take forever to load. Hang on! I know I haven't always been the best to you. Maxing out your memory, opening 50 million programs at once, putting you to sleep instead of shutting you off. I'll be good. I'll shut you down properly every night. I promise. Just hang on! At least until April when I can tell my father that every girl needs a new computer for the last year in her 20s. (AHH!) And besides, Eric got a new MacBook. Computer, I know you're getting old. You're at least four years old which is like 3975023 in Computer years. You can't leave me now. I need you. But I guess I should start backing up my stuff anyway. It'd be a shame to lose those 2000 songs.

Love,
Lee

ABCs

Taken from Sarah.


A-Available or Single? Single. Wait, aren't those the same thing?
B-Best Friend? I have several. I have my Atlanta best friends and then my Maryland best friends and then some other ones out there too.
C-Cake or Pie? Can I have ice cream instead?
D-Drink of choice? Diet Coke.
E- Essential Item? Either my cell phone, my Ipod or my computer. God, how would I have survived 20 years ago?
F-Favorite color? Blue and pink.
G-Gummi Bears or worms? Chocolate covered gummy bears.
H-Hometown? Rockville, MD.
I-Indulgence? Diet coke. I know that normally wouldn't be considered an indulgence, but you haven't seen how much I can consume.
J-January or February? January. By February I'm itching for the springtime.
K-Kids & names? No kids that I know of.
L-Life is incomplete without? Friends
M-Marriage Date? Who knows? Not anytime in the near future, that's for sure.
N-Number of siblings? 2.
O-Oranges or Apples? Apples although I like oranges too. I always forget that I like them until I go to a Chinese restaurant and they have them with the fortune cookies and I say, "Hmmm, I really do like oranges. I should buy them more often."
P-Phobias/Fears? The usual - losing loved ones, being alone, money. I don't think I have any phobias. I don't like Palmetto bugs.
Q-Favorite Quote "I will go in this way and find my own way out." - Dave Matthews Band.
R-Reason to smile? I am about to meet some friends for Thai food.
S-Season? I really like all of them.
T-Tag three people: If you want to fill this out, consider yourself tagged.
U-Unknown fact about me: When I was seven, my fingernail fell off for no reason. It grew back though.
V-Veggie I hate: Not a big asparagus fan.
W-Worst Habit? Picking my cuticles.
X-X-rays you've had? Foot, teeth
Y-Your favorite food? I have to pick just one? Cottage cheese, it's very versatile.
Z-Zodiac? Taurus

Lazy ass

I wish that it was cold and rainy so I could justify the fact that it's nearly 4 PM and I haven't gotten out of my pajamas. I'm not feeling too sore from my long run yesterday. My left upper leg/butt area is sore but that's about it. I think it's my IT band. I used to have a problem with (self-diagnosed) IT band issues on my right leg but that stopped a few months ago. Apparently, my left leg wants a turn.

NOT A GOOD IDEA

So, there's this guy, the NOT A GOOD IDEA guy. And so once something happened between us. Like yeah, that type of something. And even though I know it's NOT A GOOD IDEA, I still think about whether or not it would happen again because truthfully, I'd like it. But apparently, he doesn't have the same idea because everytime we hang out with our friends, someone else drives and he leaves with them. That's for the better, I know it is, but I'm lonely and things that ARE NOT A GOOD IDEA in daylight suddently seem to be a good idea at 1 am.

Not that it matters because I'm by myself. Alone.

15 done!

I was hoping to come back here and say that 15 miles was easy, that it was over before I knew it. That wasn't the case; it was the hardest physical thing that I've ever done. But I'm home, showered, peanut butter and jelly sandwiched and lived to tell the tale.

A mile by mile overview:
Mile 0-1 - I had my new water belt on and carrying 3 bouncy bottles of water isn't exactly comfortable. I figured that it added at least a pound. My legs felt heavy from the start. The water bottles added to the heaviness.

Miles 1-5 - I started to feel a little bit better. I realized that I had the water belt on backwards. That helped. I ran through Virginia-Higlands. It's one of my favorite places to run because of all the people watching. There were tons of people walking down the streets, window shopping and having brunch with friends at outdoor cafes taking advantage of the weird weather. For a while, I wanted to be those people. I wanted to be with my friends at Belly or Moe's and Joe's eating an omlette or drinking a Bloody Mary. Instead I was running 15 miles. I wondered why exactly I chose to subject myself to this sort of well...torture.

Miles 5-6.5 - I ate a Gu. I was feeling lethargic. I'd never tried Gu before. I've read up on fueling oneself during long runs and basically everything said to just experiment and see what your body likes. I'd heard that Gu tastes bad. This one, Chocolate Outrage, wasn't bad, per se. It wasn't good either. It kind of tasted like cake icing. It did help boost my energy a bit.

Miles 6.5-7 - Apparently, the Gu energy boost was short lived. I was on Ponce, where it splits. To the left is Scott Blvd and to the right is W. Ponce which goes up a big hill into Decatur. I went right. I had run this hill millions of times. It's not a particularly steep hill, just long. But today, I just couldn't. I tried to tell myself that nothing was hurting, that I could, in fact, do it. But I didn't. I walked up the hill.

Mile 7 - I knew that I was not anywhere near finished so I ate another Gu. I thought I had one bottle of water left but realized that I had drank all three.

Miles 7 - 10 - Nothing to note. I was getting thirsty. I ran by Tim's old condo. I thought about how I haven't talked to him on the phone since I visited San Diego in the summer. Thought about how he made my summer really fun before he moved.

Mile 11 - Now I was getting really thirsty. I stopped at a pizza place and asked for a glass of water. The guy offered to fill up my bottles and we chatted about the marathon.

Miles 11-15 - Thought I was going to die many times. Cursed myself for putting my body through such agony.

And a marathon is nine more miles? Wha??

Blast from the past

I moved to Atlanta in the summer of 2002. I was 24 years old. I had graduated college two years prior and hadn't really gotten over that whole drink crappy beer, get stoned and hang out with friends until the wee hours of the morn mentality. So when I arrived in Atlanta with no job and very few friends, my first priority was to find a job where I could meet people. I had saved up a lot of money so that wasn't a major concern. After driving around the city for several days, I ended up filling out an application at Joe's Crab Shack. Joe's was in Buckhead, an area of the city that, at the time, was known for cheesy bars, underaged college girls in skimpy outfits and drink specials. It wasn't exactly my thing, but because of the proximity to Joe's, I ended up going out there every night. I had this thing with this guy. I don't know what you'd call it; a restaurant romance? We weren't dating but we were hanging out. Looking back, it was probably just a series of meaningless hookups, but at the time I pretended it was more. I don't know why though. This guy was weird. He was nice enough but he smelled. Seriously. Why I would waste my time with a dude who smelled, I have no idea. My younger self apparently suffered from a lack of self esteem. Anyway, fast forward four and a half years. I was at Front Page News last night with Jamie. We ordered food and who should bring it out but Mr. Smelly himself. He looked the same. I didn't know if he recognized me or not and for a minute I thought about whether I should just pretend to not know him. As he called out our orders, I said, "Hey." He looked at me quizically, "Uh, hey?" I said, "I know you." He kept looking at me. I told him how we knew each other "You look different." he said, "How have you been?" I never told him my name. I have no idea if he knew who I was or not. It's a friendship that I'd rather not rekindle. I am not the same person that I was in June 2002. The last thing I want to do now is work in a restaurant because I have very little interest in drinking crappy beer, getting stoned or hanging out with friends until the wee hours of the morn.

Next post will be 15 miles later.

Dashed hopes part deux

I was in the running store, because apparently I think I have some sort of secret trust fund that I don't know about that will allow my unemployed self to buy new toys, when my phone rang. I didn't exactly know what to do since there was a sign on the door of the store that read TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE. Plus, I was talking to a salesperson. So, I pushed the ignore button on the phone. The voicemail indicator beeped and I bought what I came for (which I do need) and left the store so I could check my voicemail. It was, in fact, a company that I'd sent my resume to. But the guy was calling to tell me that they'd filled the position. He said they'd keep my resume on file if anything should open up. Ugh, foiled again.

My new toy (not that a water belt is a toy, it's more like a glorified fanny pack.)

Get my hopes up, why don't you?

My phone just rang. I got excited. Who would call me in the middle of the day besides a job prospect. I looked at the caller ID, didn't recognize the number. Yay. A job. Umm, no. My mother. Somehow I failed to notice that the caller ID showed a 202 area code.

Is it dorky that I have the dictionary bookmarked?

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans - John Lennon

I'm sitting at my computer for the umpteenth hour, hoping to find that perfect job. I have all the jobsites bookmarked and go through them every morning, one after the other. This is Day 5. How much longer is this going to last? How much longer am I going to last? Not necessarily just in terms of money, although that too, but having no interaction with people is really getting to me. I went out last night even though I probably shouldn't have. I met Jamie at Front Page News. We sat outside by a fireplace. I can't remember the last time I've even hung out with just Jamie. It's funny because a year or two ago, we only hung out with each other. People would joke that we were a married couple. No, a Siamese twin is more like it, I'd respond. It got old. We moved on. We made new friends. But sometimes I miss it. I miss having someone there who was always up for doing something. Someone who always wanted to get dinner and a beer. Someone who I could tell all my secrets to.

Besides checking job sites everyday, I also have a list of blogs (the ones on the sidebar and then some of the ones that are on those sidebars too) daily. It's kind of strange, I guess. But I get caught up in these people's lives; strangers that if I saw them on the street, I wouldn't know it was them. So, according to Clink, one of my favorites, it's national de-lurking week. So, I de-lurked on her page, Bethesda, Maryland, will you de-lurk on mine? You aren't my mother or my sister are you?

I'm resting my legs for my 15 mile run tomorrow. I have to plan a route. 15 miles is somewhat incomprehensible for me, but I did 13, what's the big deal about 2 measly extra miles, right?

The woes of texting

I have nothing against text messenging in the slightest. In fact, I've gone over my allotted number of messages several times. However, I think there is something very impersonal about it. Sometimes it's okay to be impersonal: Where are you? or I'm at X, come meet me. But then there are the times when you get a message and you know that the person has sent it to everyone in his phone. Case in point. I got a message last night from Brian. Brian is a guy that I was briefly hanging out with a few months ago. I've written about him, but not mentioned him by name. Nothing bad happened between the two of us; there just wasn't much there. I think it was more on my part than his. I haven't talked to him in maybe two or three weeks. Last night I received a message. Something about his birthday party at a bar. Now I know he didn't just send me this message. It was too impersonal. So I'm wondering, did he tell everyone in his phone about his birthday party? I can't imagine doing that. Would I really want Grandma Cell to know about my birthday debauchery? I don't think so. Maybe his grandmother likes to party though. Who knows? In addition to the text, I also received a generic Myspace message from him. Upon further investigation (i.e. I asked JL), I found out this was a group message too. A part of me is wondering why he's even inviting me to these things and another part is like, "I had some sort of thing with this guy, the least he can do is send me a personal message." Sometimes technology is not my friend.

ETA: I just re-read what I wrote and realized that I sound sort of contradictory. I guess my main problem is that I had some sort of thing with this guy and he's just sending me the generic text that he apparently also sends his grandmother. If she has a cell phone. Not everyone's Grandma is as technologically advanced as mine. Although she would never know how to read a message.

Letter to myself

Dear Lee,

You know that you should have brought your Ipod when you went to the gym this afternoon. You know that you can't run without it. Just because you couldn't find Irene Pod, doesn't mean you couldn't take Poddie or Shuffle. (Apparently Shuffle is not worthy of a nickname.) So you went to the gym anyway and lifted weights. Good for you. Except you still had to run 3 miles. So you went home. You found out that peanut butter really is good on sweet potaotes. You tried to figure out when exactly you were going to fit this 3 mile run in. You watched Beauty and the Geek. You fell asleep. You ate a bunch of ice cream. Then you went to the gym. You did it, you ran 3 miles but it was horrible and you wanted to quit. Every half mile you told yourself that you'd only do another half mile and then you could quit. The ice cream was churning in your stomach. Why did you eat that? Couldn't you have waited? You don't learn. But you did it anyway and I'm proud of you. And you got home in time to watch The Real World and the Duel. I know that even though you are way too old, you secretly pretend you are on that show. But if you were, you'd kick ass. Or you'd throw up from all the ice cream.

Smooches,
Lee

Me, Myself and I

You know how when you start a new job, for the first day or two everyone is super nice to you? They come and introduce themselves to you, they take you out to lunch, they make sure you have everything? Apparently, the same thing goes on when you lose your job. Your friends call all the time, they take you out for drinks, they take you out to lunch, they entertain you. But then, in both situations, everyone else's life returns to normal and your stuck in a new situation all by yourself. I had to go file for unemployment today. I didn't want to go. The little voice in my head was saying, "I have a college degree. I have six years of experience in my field. I shouldn't be here." I guess it was somewhat of a humbling experience though because even though I do have all those things, I was there and I was in the same boat as everyone else.

After the fun that is the Georgia Department of Labor, I decided to do my 4 mile run. My legs felt like lead the whole time. It's amazing how one day I can run eight miles and feel great and the next day struggle with four. My heart just wasn't into it today. The wind was blowing in my face and I just didn't want to be outside. But, at the same time, I didn't have anywhere else to be. I have absolutely no excuse for not getting every single run in this week.

I just really feel lost right now. I was supposed to go to this Atlanta Outdoors Club social thing with Erin but she had to work late. I've had to turn down invitations for lunch and dinner. I am just by myself and it sucks. There's not even anything on TV and my next disc for 6FU doesn't arrive until January 20th.

On the dole?

I'm about to go to the Unemployment Office to file a claim. I'm picturing The Full Monty in my head. I might have to practice some choreography while I'm in line. Maybe those dances that I used to do at Joe's Crab Shack will come in handy. Hell, I might have to go back to doing them. *cry*

Dare I say it?

But 8 miles was easy! I was supposed to do it Saturday or Sunday but due to my weekend pity party which included a lot of pity alcohol, I didn't. Today was perfect though. It was around 50 degrees and completely clear with a little bit of wind. I went up to the Highlands and back. I used the Nike thing and again, it was off. I put it in a different place in my shoe and it wasn't as off, but it was still off. I need to fix this. I was telling my friend Jason about it. He asked how does it even work? How does it measure your mileage? If someone has longer legs than I do and has a longer stride, how would it know that? I have no clue. Maybe I'm supposed to calibrate it first. I guess I should actually read the directions instead of just bitching about how it doesn't work. My long run this weekend is almost double what today was. 15 miles!

So, I'm trying to be positive right now which is kind of difficult. But since I like making lists, here goes:
Good things about losing my job:
1. I have time to get all my runs in and do weight training.
2. I can get a better job. I didn't particularly like this one anyway.
3. I have time to work on art which I said I wanted to do.

Okay, I can only really come up with three, but three is better than zero.

Just not my day

I hit myself in the head with the lat pulldown machine today. I still have a headache six hours later.

Very little on marathon training

I have done absolutely nothing all day. I feel alone. I surrounded myself with friends for the past two days but now it's just me. Sometimes I have problems dealing with just me. I've been sleeping and not doing much else. I need to go to the gym. I didn't do my long run. It's raining. I could do it in the rain but I just don't have it in me right now. I might do today's 4-miler instead at the gym and then do the long run tomorrow. I need to buy printer toner. I need to send out resumes. I need to file for unemployment. I need to do something besides alternating between sleeping and eating jelly beans. I called my mom eariler. She's as upset as I am. She's always been like that. I guess when something crappy happens to your (only) kid, it happens to you too basically. I asked her if I could visit for a few days. She said no. It's probably not a good idea anyway seeing as I need to do the things that I previously mentioned. I just wanted someone around so I didn't feel so alone. Truthfully, it wasn't my mother that I wanted. I wanted S. I don't know why I thought that would of helped. I cannot fill an emotional void with something physical even though that's what I'm tempted to do.

As for A, I haven't heard back from him. That's not unusual though. I really don't understand why he wouldn't want to date me. I mean, we get along really well and there's obviously some physical attraction on his part, so why wouldn't he want to take another step? We're friends but it's not like we've been friends for so long that there's a huge "Oh my god, this may fuck up the friendship and then what?" fear. We do hang out in the same crowd somewhat, so there's that. He just never really told me what he wanted. This isn't me trying to fill a void. This is me really liking him.

To add insult to injury (the injury being my general well-being at the moment, or lack there of), I think I inadvertantly hurt a friend's feelings. I was joking about something about her with some other friends and one of the friends texted her about it to make fun of her. I thought it was not a big deal (it was about her bed) but I guess it was sore spot or something. She said she knew I didn't mean to be malicious or anything but I don't like that I hurt her feelings like that and she wasn't even there.

Consumed

I keep thinking about what happened this morning with my friend. What does he want? What is he thinking? Is he going to be weird? Can I just be friends with him if that's what he wants? I called him. I know I'm not "supposed" to but I did. I left a VM. Basically I said something to the effect of, "I hope you're not weirded out." I've spent a lot of time thinking about this guy and wondering if I ever would have a conversation about how I feel or if anything would ever happen. So, now it sort of did and it's like all my time spent wondering leaded to this? To an I don't know.

I talk about other guys with him. What I've done, who I've done it with. It's a defense mechanism. It's me trying to guard my feelings. I put up a wall. There are other guys, you can't hurt me. I do it with A and sometimes I do it with S. I don't know why I'm so afraid of getting hurt. I'm resilient. If he doesn't like me or want what I want, I'll bounce back. I think he does like me. I think he doesn't know what he wants. I think he's afraid of crossing the friendship/relationship line. I think that the line's already been blurred so many times already. So now what? Ball's in whose court?

There's another guy too. One that is NOT A GOOD IDEA. There's physical attraction and he's a nice guy that would probably do anything for any of his friends but I don't get lost in conversation like I do with the other guy.

I kind of forgot for a while that I don't have a job anymore. Boy drama's good for something, I suppose.

Laying out the cards or how I made an ass of myself in 27 minutes

I have this friend and sometimes when he and I hang out, I don't notice the rest of the world. I don't have that kind of relationship with very many people. I wonder if he feels that way. He said he's confusing, that he's sending me mixed signals. I asked him what he wanted, he said he didn't know. I threatened to kiss him. I didn't carry through on my threat.

So typical

I lose my job and I try to make a booty call. This is my life.

2 buck Chuck from Trader Joe's is making me stupid. It was 3 bucks, not 2 in actuality. Or in Georgia.

Losing your job will make you do silly things

Like going for a 4 mile run in the pouring rain. I spent the previous hour crying so I decided that if my face was going to be wet, I'd might as well be from the rain and not from tears. Strangely enough, it felt refreshing even though I was drenched by the end. I guess that means I'm kind of a real runner. I get upset and want to go for a run.

Wendy cried. (Wendy was my boss.) I guess they told her like ten minutes before they told me and she ran to Publix to buy me Jelly Belly's which she knows I love. I appreciate the gesture, I really do. I don't really want two big bags of jelly beans but whatever. She cried and she hugged me. I kind of felt bad for her. I'm stronger than this though. I can get a new job. I didn't even like this job. It was just a shock. I really didn't see it coming. I came in from lunch and Will, the security guard, was like, "Marc wants to see you." So of course, I thought I was in trouble. Marc's the COO. He never wants to see me. So I went into his office and he started acting weird, asking me about my holiday and he said, "I'll be right back." and my heart started beating faster. Honestly, I didn't think I was about to get fired. I thought I was going to get in trouble. Perhaps for spending too much time online or on instant messanger. But then Sarah from HR walked in and they said something about hiring a new Marketing Director and they had to let me go. It was like a shock. Fortunately, I didn't cry. I had to sign something and my hand shook but I didn't cry. Marc walked me back to my office and I walked inside and was already crying. I guess he thought I was going to do something, trash the server or something, so he started to walk in the office. Wendy saw that I was crying and basically slammed the door in his face and she started crying and saying how sorry she was.

I went home and called everyone I knew basically. Some people said the right thing, (Erin - I'll take you out for drinks or Tanya - Send me your resume.) Some people didn't (Jamie - It's not the end of the world.) and some people didn't really say anything (Sean.)

And then I ran around in the rain. And Jamie apologized and said he might be able to get me an interview where he works.

Lee and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

I just got laid off.

Southern Belle?

This happens to me almost every night. Around 7:15, I get extremely tired. I inevitably lie down for a nap and when my alarm goes off telling me that it's gym time, I try to bargain with myself. "I'll just go to sleep now and get up tomorrow." Usually I make myself get up and once I get to the gym, I feel fine. Such was the case tonight. 4 miles AND weight training for my legs. I'm really going to try to weight train at least twice a week.

My friend Margaret just moved from Northern California to North Carolina. Needless to say, she's a little apprehensive about living in the south. Granted, semi-rural North Carolina is quite different from metro Atlanta but I've got to say, the South really has started to grow on me. So, for Maragaret's benefit, a list of good things about living in the South:

1. It's warmer.
2. People are generally friendly.
3. You can buy alcohol in the grocery stores (Not that Margaret would care because she doesn't drink, but it's something you can't do in Maryland.)
4. Boiled peanuts.
5. Diet coke. I never realized how many restaurants in the DC metro area serve Pepsi. The only one that does that I can even think of here is Nuevo Laredo and if you go there you should be drinking a Margarita anyway.

Okay, so that last one doesn't apply to the south in general, but I'm grasping for straws.

I'll end my ode to the South now. Going back to resolutions, I have a few others that I didn't write about. Namely, and this sounds stupid but it's really hard for me, putting my shoes away when I take them off. I have a nice shoe rack on the back of my door that I put there for this purpose, but I cannot seem to use it. I don't know why I think it's just so hard to put the shoes on the rack. That goes along with the general resolution of being somewhat cleaner. Not necessarily cleaner, but I guess tidier. Because it's really not that fun to have people over and have to warn them several times, "My apartment is messy. No, you don't understand, it's really messy. Like, you might fall and hurt yourself, probably from tripping over some shoes on the way to the bathroom." My other resolution is to do more art. I was a freaking art major for God sakes and I do nothing right now. I mean, not counting my job which is maybe part of the reason that I don't do outside artwork. But I miss photography and drawing and I want to start doing more.

Back to reality

Well, that break was nice but I feel fine getting back to my day to day routine. Today has been good. I drank all my water, I ran 4 miles at the gym, I only drank two diet cokes and that was at breakfast and lunch and I made something for tomorrow's lunch. I had a small fiasco with a tin of popcorn at work (the fiasco being that too much of the popcorn ended up in my mouth) but I'm trying to overlook that.

I've been getting all my running in but totally slacking on weight training. I feel like I'm already spending a lot of time running and the last thing I want to do is spend extra time at the gym or have to run on sore legs. I know I should be doing it, but it's definitely fallen by the wayside. I might try to get up early tomorrow and do it. I could always go at lunch, but my lunchtime nap is a nice break in my day that I've really come to enjoy. I'm like a little kid; I need my nap time or I get crabby.

I downloaded a lot of music by two bands that I'd never heard of but I like a lot: Margot and the Nuclear So & So's and Antony and the Johnsons. Antony and the Johnsons are sort of weird. They remind me of the movie Hedwig and the Angry itch. The whole androgenous thing, I guess.

I pretty much feel like this on a regular basis

And sometimes when you're on
You're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
And you'll be better
You'll be smarter
More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all of your friends
And you'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest
You'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fighting all of them

- Rilo Kiley (A Better Son/Daughter)