Body issues
Training for a marathon makes you hungrier than usual. I'm having a hard time with that. I've been listening to my body and eating but I have this constant fear that I'm gaining weight. It's not completely unfounded, the last time I weighed myself I did weigh 5 pounds more than what my normal weight is. So, since then I've been scared to even look. I can't tell if I'm hungry or if I'm telling myself that I am because I want to eat. I think I'm honestly hungry. I went to Tanya's house today so she could help me with my portfolio and had to ask her if I could have something to eat. I had dinner and an ice cream sandwich when I got home but then had to have a snack a few minutes ago. My clothes fit the same but when I look in the mirror, all I see is fat.
I used to be heavier. Growing up. I lost a bunch of weight about 2 years ago and basically developed an eating disorder in the process. I was very choosy about what I would put and not put into my mouth. Forget sugar, white flour or partially hydrogenated oils. And it worked. I got small. Really small. But then things started happening - I was always cold, my hair got thin, my period only lasted two days, I had bad breath. And I realized that I wasn't being healthy. So I stopped. I ate normally. I indulged. And I gained about 10 pounds. Sometimes I wonder how I did it, how I had that "willpower." Because I don't have it anymore. And I know I'm healthier now and I know that I couldn't run a marathon if I wasn't eating, but I look in the mirror sometimes I wish I could be like I was before.
Just getting if off my chest. I'm not fishing for comments that say that I don't need to lose weight or whatever; this is the way I honestly feel. Don't worry, I care more about finishing this race than losing five pounds so I'm not going to resort to drastic measures. It's just hard.
I used to be heavier. Growing up. I lost a bunch of weight about 2 years ago and basically developed an eating disorder in the process. I was very choosy about what I would put and not put into my mouth. Forget sugar, white flour or partially hydrogenated oils. And it worked. I got small. Really small. But then things started happening - I was always cold, my hair got thin, my period only lasted two days, I had bad breath. And I realized that I wasn't being healthy. So I stopped. I ate normally. I indulged. And I gained about 10 pounds. Sometimes I wonder how I did it, how I had that "willpower." Because I don't have it anymore. And I know I'm healthier now and I know that I couldn't run a marathon if I wasn't eating, but I look in the mirror sometimes I wish I could be like I was before.
Just getting if off my chest. I'm not fishing for comments that say that I don't need to lose weight or whatever; this is the way I honestly feel. Don't worry, I care more about finishing this race than losing five pounds so I'm not going to resort to drastic measures. It's just hard.
posted by Lee at 10:28 PM
1 Comments:
You feel how I feel all the time. I sometimes wish for my old willpower back and sometimes wish that I didn't ever want to indulge at all. I definitely look in the mirror and see fat and it's hard. You're definitely not alone.
I'm sure you'll feel more normal once you're done with the marathon and you can figure out your balance again, and even if you do another marathon, you might be able to work your balance out a little better the second time around.
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