Consumed

I keep thinking about what happened this morning with my friend. What does he want? What is he thinking? Is he going to be weird? Can I just be friends with him if that's what he wants? I called him. I know I'm not "supposed" to but I did. I left a VM. Basically I said something to the effect of, "I hope you're not weirded out." I've spent a lot of time thinking about this guy and wondering if I ever would have a conversation about how I feel or if anything would ever happen. So, now it sort of did and it's like all my time spent wondering leaded to this? To an I don't know.

I talk about other guys with him. What I've done, who I've done it with. It's a defense mechanism. It's me trying to guard my feelings. I put up a wall. There are other guys, you can't hurt me. I do it with A and sometimes I do it with S. I don't know why I'm so afraid of getting hurt. I'm resilient. If he doesn't like me or want what I want, I'll bounce back. I think he does like me. I think he doesn't know what he wants. I think he's afraid of crossing the friendship/relationship line. I think that the line's already been blurred so many times already. So now what? Ball's in whose court?

There's another guy too. One that is NOT A GOOD IDEA. There's physical attraction and he's a nice guy that would probably do anything for any of his friends but I don't get lost in conversation like I do with the other guy.

I kind of forgot for a while that I don't have a job anymore. Boy drama's good for something, I suppose.