Insomnia's a mofo

For the past week, I've been going to bed at my normal time and waking up in the middle of the night tossing and turning, not able to get back to sleep. I thought it was from being sick, but I feel better and it's still happening. Ugh. No more caffeine at night, I guess.

All my life, I've never had a problem sleeping. It's always been something that I've been very, very good at. You might even say slothful. In college, I'd sleep all the time. I would get back from classes and go to sleep like all afternoon. When I was an RA my senior year, I remember my resident's commenting on how I was always asleep in the afternoon. I couldn't keep my eyes open in class either, especially Art History. The lights would go down and bam..next thing I knew class would be over and I'd have to wipe the drool off my face. What's happening to me in my old age?

Half marathon basically

I just ran a little less than 13 miles (12.9). So yeah, I ran a half marathon. In the rain. I haven't run that distance since last April. It went pretty well. It basically felt the same as the other half marathons that I've done except this was all by my lonesome. This was the first run that I've done with my Nike + Ipod thing and it was totally off. It told me that I ran 18 miles. Sometimes it would tell me my correct pace and other times it would say 6 minute miles. I looked this up and it's because I don't have Nike shoes. I think I need to play around with where I put the sensor and see what works best. Supposedly the closer and more parellel to the ground it is, the better. In the Nike shoes, it goes under the insole. It was frustrating to have Charlene (the woman voice that tells you how far you've gone, I named her) say 400 meters to goal when I knew that I was like 4 miles to goal.

I'm really blah right now. After being cooped up inside since basically Wednesday, I'm itching to do something. I might have dinner with Jamie and Dave at No Mas Cantina. I like their salsa. I am going to try not to eat a buttload of chips this time. I haven't weighed myself in a while because I decided that it was counter productive to marathon training. I cannot let myself restrict my food intake during this. My clothes are fitting fine lately.

I need to pick up some alcohol for tomorrow night. Stupid Georgia alcohol sales laws. Don't they know I'm feeling lazy?

I think I can, I think I can

I'm going to try to run 13 miles tomorrow. I have my route all planned out. I'll be going through the Highlands, down Ponce to Clairmont and back up to North Druid Hills. I've run most of that before and it's been okay. I am prepared. I have my Nike + IPod thing ready to go, I have a little pouchy thing that I bought to store snacks, a clif bar and I'll get some Propel. I feel much better. I'll run slowly. I feel ready to run again. It feels like it's been forever. In reality, it's only been 3 days.

I have this little problem with drunken text messenging. Little is not the word for it. I have a major drunk texting problem. I'm worried about New Years. There are several boys who might receive a text from me and I don't know how to control that besides not having my phone with me. But I need my phone; what if it rings?? I need to have a phone babysitter and check it periodically. This is so pathetic. What's even more pathetic is that I'm thinking about it two days in advance.

Bored and stuff

So I'm bored. Which means I'm officially not sick.

Here's the and stuff..

1. My mom bought me that Coach bag that I posted about. It came today. I didn't like it in real life. It was too big and boxy and kind of looked like a dog carrier. I went to the Coach store in the mall and exchanged it for this one:


The woman ahead of me in line said it suited me nicely. She didn't work there.

2. I had a massage today. It was my first professional massage from a man. It was this hippie dude. He was a good masseuse; (interesting - i just looked up how to spell that and the definition was a woman who practices massage.) I told him that I was training for the marathon and he stretched out my legs and stuff. He also gave me a good butt massage (with a blanket on top, not directly touching my butt.) Of course the entire time I kept wondering what it'd be like to date this guy and if he'd give me massages if we were dating. Then I kept trying to tell myself that I should not be thinking things like that.

3. There is this guy, I'll refer to him as "The guy I should not be thinking about" and I've been thinking about him anyway. Fuck.

I'm going to try to do 13 miles tomorrow. If I feel bad, I'll stop.

Accomplishments and Resolutions

I'll admit it, I like New Years Resolutions. I like the idea of starting fresh. I don't know why January 1st has to be the day to do so, but I like it. 2006 was an okay year. Nothing great happened but nothing bad happened either. Here's what I've accomplished in 2006:
1. I stayed at the same job. I've had a lot of jobs. I'm only 28 and I've had five professional jobs in the past six years. That's a lot. The problem is when I don't like my job, I just tend to think that anything is better than what I've got now so I ended up jumping from one crap job to the next and then I'm in the exact same situation. Anyway, I don't want to write about work related stuff here, but that is an accomplishment.
2. I met a lot of new friends.
3. I ran a bunch of races.
4. I lived on my own for the first time. Honestly, I wasn't sure if I'd like it or not. But I do.

Here's what I hope to accomplish in 2007:
1. Run a marathon.
2. Drink more water and less diet coke.
3. Cook more.

I think we should just be friends

Why is that so hard for me to say? I was in the middle of 6 Feet Under when my phone rang. I saw that it was B and I didn't answer. Then I felt bad so I called him back. In my head, I was telling myself to just tell him that we should just be friends. But of course, I didn't do it. Why am I such a chicken shit? Why is this so hard? I don't understand why he's still calling me. I mean, I guess he likes me but I don't understand why. I know that sounds totally self depricating, but that's not what I mean. I just don't understand if he thinks there's something there or what because on my part, there isn't. At all.

So I didn't say it. But I will. Next time.

Running when sick

"To Run or Not to Run... What to Do When You're Sick"
by Mindy Solkin

You've been training well for the past several months, feeling fit and strong and then, whammo, you wake up one morning with a sore throat and a stuffy nose. But your running schedule calls for four miles, should you run?

It would probably be best to take the day off, to nip it in the bud, but "Type A" runners that we are, you probably decide to run, anyway. Before you lace up those running shoes, take the "neck check test". If your symptoms are "above the neck"… runny or stuffy nose, sneezing or sore throat, a little easy running probably won't do any harm and, in fact, might even help. Exercise releases adrenaline, also called epinephrine, a natural decongestant, which may explain why a run seems to clear nasal passages. Whether you choose to run indoors or out, monitor your body for any symptoms such as dizziness, nausea or profuse sweating and STOP RUNNING if any of these symptoms occur.

If, on the other hand, you have "below the neck" symptoms… fever, fatigue, muscle aches, vomiting, diarrhea, chills, sweats, swollen glands or a hacking cough, then this indicates that you probably have a virus. Running under these conditions increases dehydration and can lead to more serious problems, so DO NOT RUN. Take off the next few days to a week. And don't worry, you will not lose too much of your conditioning. It will just take a little effort to get back to where you left off, but the body is very resilient and has great "memory", so it generally won't take as long as you think. You may, however, have to adjust your training schedule to get back on track without overdoing it and start back by doing less mileage and incorporating some walking into your run.

Obviously, the best way to not lose training time is to prevent a cold or virus from starting. OK, easier said than done. So, what can you do?

Wash your hands frequently (or use hand sanitizer) especially after riding on public transportation or coming into contact with cold sufferers.
If you share an office phone or computer keyboard, keep Lysol handy and spray when necessary. Spray a clean cloth or paper towel, first, then wipe. Or you can also just spray into the air.
Avoid using public telephones (much easier now that we have cell phones).
Avoid young children. OK, difficult to do if you're a parent or teacher, but kids pass along many colds and viruses. Keep washing your hands!
Take vitamin C. Nobel Laureate Linus Pauling believed in it and he lived to be 93!
Take zinc lozenges. Take these at the moment you feel any signs of illness.
Stay out of airplanes. OK, tough to do for many of you with traveling jobs, but stay well hydrated on the plane.
Try herbal teas. Echinacea is best.
When all else fails, good old-fashioned chicken soup works wonders. It's warm, it keeps you hydrated (especially with the amount of salt that's in it), and for those of you who are far from home, it reminds you of Mom. And didn't Mom always make you feel better?

What the hell?

Felt like crap on Saturday, felt fine Sunday, felt fine yesterday and feel like crap again. I got home from work, had dinner and fell asleep for two hours. I finally got enough motivation to drag my ass to the gym and the key word there is drag. I ran 4 miles but felt like crap the entire time. I had to slow down to a 10:30 pace for almost half of it. My legs were sore and my throat was sort of hurting. It might be the weather. It was unseasonably warm for most of December. Until today. Today it got FREEZING! I am very sensitive to cold weather. Maybe sensitive's not the word. I just get cold easily. My power bill is way higher in the winter than the summer. I barely use the AC in the summer. I'm thinking of treating myself to a massage on Friday. I just feel beat up.

I was talking to Jamie about something. I'm kind of a gossip. I mean, if someone tells me to keep something a secret, I won't tell, but if something happens that's gossip worthy, I like to talk about it. I feel like I have very few friends that I can call up and be like, "Oh my God, guess what just happened?" I try to do that sometimes and end up feeling bad about myself because the friends seem disapproving. I don't know why I feel the need to tell my friends my personal life anyway. I just sort of do.

Much better

I did a 4 mile run today and it was great. The weather was perfect; it was probably around 50 and cloudy. There were very few cars on the street and everything felt very still. I was able to lose myself in my run and my music. That's hard to do when you're dodging traffic or people on the sidewalk. Hooverphonic's Battersea came on my Ipod and I really felt like my steps were in tune with the music. Also, I had a lot to think about due to the probably not so smart things that I did last night (and uh...this morning). Running always goes by much quicker when I spend the whole time reflecting on something stupid that I've done. Luckily, or not so luckily, this happens a lot. Eh, at least my life's not boring.

I'm about to get Chinese with Emily. We were going to go to Golden Buddha in Decatur but neither of us really wanted to because even though the food is good, the water tastes weird. Despite my status as a huge soda fiend, I actually prefer drinking water with Asian food. We found out that Fortune Cookie by my apartment is opened, so we're going there. I don't think I've ever actually eaten in the restaurant. I wonder if their water is okay. Normally I'm bored on Christmas. The fact that everything is closed and most people are spending time with family and I'm just doing nothing bums me out. But this year I was fine. I spent the whole weekend doing nothing and loved it. I'm taking off next Friday and so I'll have a 4 day weekend again. Plus, virtually no one is going to be in the office this week and we're allowed to wear jeans.

Bloggy things.

You Are 76% Democrat

You have a good deal of donkey running through your blood, and you're proud to be liberal. You don't fit every Democrat stereotype, but you definitely belong in the Democrat party.

How Democrat Are You?

What Your Bathroom Habits Say About You

You are very independent and self-centered. You don't solve other people's problems - and you don't expect them to solve yours. Your idea of fashion is jeans and a t-shirt. Clean, if you're lucky. You are a little shy and easily embarrassed. You often wonder if you are normal. In relationships, you tend to be very romantic and demanding. You'll treat your partner like gold, but you expect a lot in return.

What Do Your Bathroom Habits Say About You?

Bizzaro

Apparently, I am not sick. I took yesterday off from doing any sort of physical activity and I think that was what my body needed. I felt fine. I had a really weird night. I went to a bar with some friends and didn't really like what was on the menu. I ended up getting a salad and some hummus but I didn't really eat much. Yeah, big mistake there. Of course, I ended up getting really drunk and probably acting like a fool. It was fun. It was a random hodge podge of people.

Then um...my friend drove me home and things happened. I am not exactly sure how that started. I probably started it. I tend to be sort of flirty when I drink. Also, I woke up this morning and my nose ring was like half out of my nose. It's corkscrewed on the inside and when that happens, it's really hard to get back in. I don't know what would make it fall out. That's only happened to me once before.

It's rainy out but not that cold and sort of peaceful since there are very few cars on the road. I think I'll go for my skipped 4 mile run in a little while.

Getting sick?

I spent a good part of my evening wondering why I was so beat from my run. I just couldn't figure it out. Until it occured to me, I don't feel well. I never get sick. Knock on wood. But seriously, I really don't. I think the last time I was honestly sick was in 2002. (Fake sick does not count.) So when I don't feel quite up to par, I normally don't think that I'm getting sick. It's like a foreign concept almost. But yeah, I've got the body aches, headache and am incredibly tired. If I was going to get sick, couldn't it have been on a weekday? Jeez.

Why did 8 suck so bad?

Last Saturday I ran 10 miles. Despite poor route planning on my part which took me through a not so nice part of the town, I only really felt like I was going to die for the last half mile or so. And even then it was a half feeling like I was going to die. Today it was full on WHY THE FUCK AM I TORTURING MYSELF?? And the weird thing is it was only eight miles. I also planned my route a lot better and went through the Highlands and back which is a really nice route. I brought a propel and some of those sport jelly beans. It basically sucked from the beginning. I kept waiting for it to get better, for me to get into a zone but I never really did. By mile 5.5 or so I felt a little better. It still was not a good run. I know all runs aren't going to be good and sometimes there's no rhyme or reason for it. It's hard though. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It's definitely the hardest thing I've put my body through.

I've decided to start cooking more. I go through this phase pretty much every New Years. I'm making Vegetarian Tortilla Soup for dinner.

Bye Tower, I'll miss you.

I'll admit it; I haven't set food in a record store or bought a real CD in years. Virtually all of my music is downloaded. I just watched something about Tower Records closing and it makes me sad. I used to love Tower. I used to love their magazine section (they had High Times! When I was sixteen this was possibly the coolest thing ever), their books, their posters but most of all I loved the listening stations. This was the mid 90s. No one had ever heard of previewing songs online. I can't tell you how many hours I spent there at the listening stations eating up all the new music. Tower Records in Rockville was a in a shopping center that I sometimes frequented with my mom. I could never get her to go in there though. It bored her to death. My father, however, was a different story. We had a long standing Wednesday evening dinner date. We often followed dinner with a trip to Tower Records. Neither of us bought anything; I think my father liked to browse as much as I did.

Yay for Poddie!

I am now the proud owner of (yet another) IPod! Meet Poddie:


The reason I wanted another Ipod is that I really wanted the Nike + Ipod so I can track my runs. I got that too. Merry Christmas/Happy Hannukah to me. Thanks Dad. Only problem, and I knew this, is that my computer is so old that the USB port is not the kind that's most compatible with the Nano. I forget the numbers, but I think the Nano wants you to have a USB 2.2 and I have a 1. something. It works, it just transfers slowly. I can't wait to use it tomorrow for my 8 mile run.

Also, I am the nicest person on the face of the earth. My friend, the one who's getting married, the one I used to date, called me from Kentucky today. Apparently, his girlfriend (I guess I should say fiancee) had her stuff shipped to his house and Fedex was supposed to obtain a signature before leaving it but they just dropped it off. He lives in a sort of shady area so he was afraid that someone would take it. So I drove over there in rush hour traffic, mind you, and put a sheet over the boxes. Aren't I a good friend? I decided to stop at Barnes & Noble on the way home. I picked up two books. One is a book of first marathon stories and the other is a book about sports nutrtion. I also discovered that Barnes & Noble is a mecca for cute boys. Unfortunately, I was wearing a huge UVM sweatshirt and looked like hell, but it's still good to know.

The security guard

There are two security guards at my job; one is in the morning and one is after lunch. The after lunch one has taken to me. Or rather he's taken to telling everyone else in the building that he likes me. People will come up to me in my office and say, "Security guard says hi." or "Security guard thinks you're hot." Or most recently yesterday, "You're wanted at security." I got excited because I am expecting a package from my dad and thought maybe it was there. No, they just wanted me to talk to the security guard. So, I tried you know, to be nice.

Him: Have you ever been to Compound? (A club)
Me: A few times. I'm not really big into clubs.
Him: What do you like to do for fun then?
Me: Well, I like to go to bars?
Him: Bars? Where do you go to bars in Atlanta?
Me: (very confused) What do you mean?
Him: I've never heard someone say that they go to bars. Most people go to clubs.
Me: I have to go back to my office now.

Plus, this guy has a southern, kind of slangy accent and I can't understand him half the time anyway. It's getting kind of annoying. Him, not the accent.

Ho Hum

4 miles on the treadmill tonight. Wasn't good, wasn't bad. It's like I always expect these "shorter" runs to go by quickly because, well I ran 10 miles last Saturday, 4 miles is nothing. But it's never like that. If anything, running a shorter distance often is harder than a longer one. It takes me about half an hour to get into the run if not more. So if I'm only running for 40 minutes, it's like the first 30 are difficult and by the time it gets easier, the run is over.

I talked to my mother tonight. I told her that I was tired all the time and she suggested that I go to a nutritionist. I've thought about that before but for some reason when she says it the first thing that pops into my head is that she's really suggesting it because she thinks I've gained weight. I don't know where these thoughts are coming from. Maybe I'm not mentally strong enough to train for a marathon. I don't know what one has to do with the other but I've been thinking (borderline obsessing) about food a lot lately.

On an unrelated note, Joanna Newsom's voice is like fingernails on a blackboard to me. Why is she on all the Top Cds of 2006 lists??

One rest day and wine tasting later...

Yesterday was my rest day. I did not rest. Well, not in the sense of plopping my ass in front of the tv and doing nothing. I went to a "wine tasting." I put that in quotation marks because essentially it was a lot of people trying to get trashed off cheap wine. They had eight wines to choose from; 4 were reds and 4 were whites. They just had them on tables and you'd pour your own glass. Needless to say, everyone filled their glasses. I got that bored, no one is paying attention to me, kind of tipsy which resulted (as it always does) in breaking out the phone.

Text to Danny: Hang out w me.
Text to Sean and Tim (killing two birds with one stone): I miss you.
Text to Adam: Can you go out on a weeknight?
Text to Sean: A lot?
Text to Sean: Out
Text to Sean: I am just out. I miss U 2.

I don't feel so well today.

Stress rears it's ugly head

My body is exhibiting classic symptoms of stress. I'm breaking out, my eye is twitching and I'm tired. And did I mention hungry? I fell asleep last night thinking about what I was going to eat for breakfast. The thing is, I'm actually not at a stressful point in my life right now, at least not mentally. Since I don't celebrate Christmas, the holiday season is not that big of a deal. I did all of my shopping online anyway for my family and most of my friends and I don't exchange gifts. Work is slow. No one is here basically for the next week and a half including my boss. I have Friday and the following Friday off. So, it must be physical stress. I know that all kinds of weird things happen when you train for a marathon, but I just didn't think they would happen so soon. I've run more mileage in a week than I am now. I might have increased too soon. The cruise kind of got in my way and I ended up skipping my first long run which was an 8-miler. The following week was 6 and then back up to 10. Maybe running 10 miles so quickly did it? I mean, not quickly, I ran very slow, but increasing to 10 quickly. Or maybe this is all in my head and I'm just looking for something to blame.

Nothing of interest to report in the boy department. Haven't talked to the no-spark boy since Saturday night. I'm hoping he'll just go away.

I'll be okay

I weighed myself this morning. Not good. As in, it's a number that I haven't seen for at least two years. I knew, despite Evelyn's comments, that my clothes felt tight. But oddly enough, instead of feeling depressed about it, it was more like a wake up call and I almost felt hopeful. I know what I need to do. I know that I need to focus on meals and not grazing. I know that I need to not have extra helpings. I'm basically 10 pounds over where I'd like to be. If I don't lose the entire 10, that's okay. I'd be fine with 5. I know, 5 pounds, big deal, but I just don't want 5 to turn into 10 that turns into 15 etc.

I went to the gym last night to do some lifting. I posted a question on a certain message board that I used to frequent a lot (although lately not so much) about sore knees. Some of the seasoned runners there said that I needed to strengthen my legs. Apparently, as I found out last night, I need to do this before my knees hurt, not while they are currently sore. So my workout consisted of mostly upper body. Training for a marathon is tough. I don't know why I thought it'd be easy. I read a lot of running/fitness websites and people's accounts of their races and training and it all seems so glamourous to me. I'm not sure why. But when it comes down to it, it's fucking tough. And I guess I like to think of myself as tough, but sometimes I'm really not. I'm in Week 3 of training and I'm tired. I've wondered if I've been overtraining. Can someone overtrain when she's only running 20 miles a week?

I have this friend that I dated for a few months last year around this time. The dating thing didn't work out but we still stayed friendly. We don't hang out that much but we do go out to dinner every so often. He started dating a girl in New York. I knew this. I started dating a variety of people. It was always something that we sort of talked about with each other but sort of didn't. Anyway, his New York girlfriend just moved here and he proposed to her. I feel a little weird about that and I don't know why. I don't have any feelings for him whatsoever. It's more that I'm worried that he won't want to hang out with me anymore. Or rather, she won't want him to. I've never met this girl. If she's cool, great. I always like finding new girlfriends. I'm confused. I feel like I'm not supposed to care.

Merry Christmas?

The bag that I want.

Random

So, I did what any normal person would do; I picked out the yogurt clusters and threw the cereal away. I sort of felt like Miranda in that Sex and the City episode where she picks the cake out of the trash can. Fortunately, I buried the cereal under various bathroom trash (including some expired condoms that never got used. So much for being prepared.) So, lesson learned for the millionth time. You can't buy cereal. The only kind of cereal that you won't binge on is oatmeal. You are allowed to buy oatmeal. Another reason for my massive consumption of cereal is that on Saturday night, my friend Evelyn, who I haven't seen in probably 2-3 months, said I looked thin. I'm still scared to weigh myself but everytime I feel like I might have lost some weight, I see it as an opportunity to shove more food in my mouth. What is wrong with me? I have also acquired, not that I'm complaining:
1. a tin of popcorn
2. a box of godiva chocolates
3. a $50 gift card to Buckhead Life restaurants
4. a promise of a bottle of wine
from various vendors at work. I hate this time of year.

This is unrelated, but sometimes I wonder who I am lately? I mean, since when am I the type of person that covets a $400 Coach bag and really since when am I the type of person that thinks that $400 is not that much to pay for a bag? Unfortunately, I have yet to become the type of person that can actually afford a $400 bag.

In other, more related to food news, I did something quite unlike me. Not only was it domestic, but it was Jewish. I made matzoh ball soup for dinner (granted, out of a mix, but still.) Despite where I work, which is a coincidence, I am the quintesential non-practicing Jew. But deep down, there's a love for all things Matzoh ball and whoda thunk, it's vegetarian.

F'n cereal

I have some residual bad habits from an abandoned semi eating disorder two years ago. There are certain foods that I cannot have in my vicinity. The main one is cereal. I don't know why, but I cannot be within two feet of a box of cereal without wanting to eat the entire box. Maybe it's because all those handfuls don't add up in my mind (the same way alcohol has no calories), maybe it's because I'm thinking, "Dude, you're eating All bran with yogurt clusters. I mean, how bad is that? It's fucking All Bran." Maybe it's because I don't eat actual meals enough. I don't know what it is, but I have a major issue with cereal. I went home from work and took an hour nap. When I got up, I felt a little snacky. This led to me breaking out the box of cereal, the one that I almost didn't buy yesterday but then decided that I am stronger than that, and mindlessly chowing down while reading a cookbook. In the grand scheme of things 500 or so calories of ceereal is not that big of a deal but it leads to me mentally tallying up what I've eaten for the day and not eating enough later on to make up for it. The part of my body that tells me when I'm hungry or when I'm full is completely broken. I don't know how to get it to work properly. I need to throw away the cereal. I'm going to keep the yogurt clusters though. That's the best part.

Sunday night depression

I don't know why I get like this. Every Sunday night, a huge wave of depression runs over me. I listen to sad music and want to cry. I have a pretty easy week. My boss is out of town for the next two weeks. I have five vacation days that I need to take. Plus, with the holidays and all, it's going to be slow so I'll have tons of time to devote myself to reading random blogs. It's not going to work that bums me out exactly. I don't know what it is. It's irrational.

Plus my stomach hurts. After racking my brain to figure out what I might have eaten, I realized that I had sugar free syrup with my sweet potato for dinner. I don't know why I do that either. Sugar free stuff tears up my already messed up stomach. I think I have a slight sugar phobia. There is definitely something wrong with me if I'd rather be in pain than consume what I deem to be unecessary calories. I still have issues.

Back to the Sunday night depression thing. The weird part is that I'll wake up tomorrow morning and be fine. It's strictly a Sunday night thing.

Boring schedule

Monday - full body
Tuesday - 5 miles
Wednesday - 4 miles
Thursday - off
Friday - upper body
Saturday - 8 miles
Sunday - 4 miles

Is two non-running days in a row bad? I had fun last Thursday when I went out with kickball people and I'd like to do it again this week.

Boring post. I need to write it down for myself though.

to the guy

That was drinking a beer out of this. When I come up to you and ask what that is and you say, "It's a beer. You know barley and hops" (or whatever beer is made out of) and you laugh with your friends at the dumb girl that doesn't really know anyone at the party and apparently is not cool enough to speak to you, I just want to remind you that I am not 40 years old and still drinking beer out of a funnel.

That is all.

To do list

1. Laundry.
2. Clean my apartment. (I actually vacuumed the living room yesterday. I am way too proud of myself for this. Of course, the only reason I did it was because I dropped a plant and it got dirt everywhere.)
3. Repot plant.
4. Run 3 miles.
5. Pick up medicine.
6. Go back to sleep.

I'm supposed to do something with Eric since I sort of flaked out on Friday night. It has nothing to do with him; I've just been really lazy lately and don't want to do anything with anyone.

I pretty much see that #4 and #6 will happen. Who knows about the rest?

Phew!

10 miles sucks. 10 miles makes my legs feel like they are made of lead. 10 miles makes my toes sore even after getting a pedicure (where the woman did not give an adequate foot massage and I don't even like foot massages.) It really was not a bad run; it was just long. I'm suspect of gmaps-pedometer. I need to go measure in my car. I was going to after I had lunch with Adina but suddenly got very tired and had to go home immediately. Of course, Cheshire Bridge was completely backed up due to a light being out at Lavista so I probably could have measured in the same amount of time that it took me to actually get home. I need to plan my runs better. I need to make them more scenic. The first 70% or so of my run was great. I went through the Highlands and down to the park and up Monroe. I honestly had thoughts of, "Atlanta is so great. Here's an open air market and a bakery that smells good. Oh, there's a park. I remember when I went to a festival here. They're selling Christmas trees that smell good." Then I got to Piedmont and blech. The real blech part, which I knew going into this sort of, was when I was on Buford Highway. I would normally turn right and not be on that road for very long to get to my apartment but in order to make the run longer, I overshot it and went up to the next street. Not scenic. By the time I got near my apartment, I was pretty much dying. I kept having to stop for lights and stuff and when I've run that much, it hurts a lot more to stop then to keep going. So, next weekend I need to have some better planning.

I got invited to a party in Kennesaw. An ugly sweater party. Red flag, red flag. And I'm not talking about the ugly sweater part. I'm talking about Kennesaw. I am not partying 45 minutes away. Before I go on a big rant about ITP vs OTP (inside and outside of the city essentially), I will be the first to admit that I'm a snob. I am. Deal. Not going to Kennesaw. Not ranting either.

My feet hurt.

Procrastination

Not going to the Silver Comet with Erin. She has somewhere to be at noon and didn't want to risk it. I wish that damn woman didn't get killed there or I'd totally go by myself. But instead, I've been playing with gmap-pedometer trying to make a ten mile route. Ten miles is fucking far. I've finally come up with something that leads me through the Highlands and then back up Piedmont and, in an effort to actually make it ten miles, up *shudder* Buford Highway. So now begins the procrastination part of my long run.

Reason #1 that I can't go yet - It's too cold. It's only 37 degrees out right now. That, in itself, isn't so bad but it's supposed to get up to 72 later and I can't possibly dress comfortably for a 35 degree change in temperature.

Reason #2 - My house is cold. My comforter is warm.

Reason #3- Jason Mulgrew. His blog is fucking funny.

But seriously, the first reason is the most logical. I don't know what's going on with these freak temperatures. I mean, it's the middle of December. I would just go later but I asked Adina about 75 times if she wanted to get Whole Foods salad for lunch and I can't exactly say, "Never mind. I can't go because I'm busy reading some guy's blog." Plus I want that salad.

Now it's 46 degrees. Maybe if I wait until 9:45 or 10....

The most common question is why

I get that all the time. "I'm running a marathon."

Why?

I have no idea. To see if I can. To physically challenge myself. To have an activity to devote my time to besides going to bars and playing on the internet. To lose weight. To be able to eat a lot. To lose myself in a bunch of new music. To have some sort of strict routine to follow. To justify taking long naps and eating lots of chips.

I don't know why. I read race reports and running blogs and everything and there's just something about the elusive (well, to me) marathon. Tomorrow I'm doing 10 miles with Erin on the Silver Comet. I can't even remember the last time I ran ten miles. I suppose it was in early April. Almost a fucking year ago! At least the trail is flat. I guess running on a flat trail is not exactly good preparation for a rather hilly race but whatever. So now begins the only going out one night of the weekend part of the training. That's good. I need some sort of discipline. If I have a reason not to go out, I won't. If I don't, I will. Of course since I'm not going out tonight, I have made plans with about 5 different people for tomorrow night and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to be at 5 places at once. I think I just got excited about actually being in Atlanta for the first time in 3 weeks and not spending my weekends on a ship full of motorized scooters.

I need new music. I'm sick of my running shit. I'm supposed to make a running mix for Dave and he's supposed to make me one. I think that's a good sign that I like a person. I mean, in general as a friend. Once I consider you my friend, I'll make you a mix if you're interested. How middle school of me.

Gross

I'm pissed at myself. I went to No Mas Cantina for Maya's birthday and ate probably 100 chips. I feel fat and disgusting. Dave asked me recently what my food weakness was. Was it fast food, cake, what? It's fucking chips and salsa. And the problem is that they put it in front of me and keep refilling it. Okay, let's look at this realistically. Let's say I ate 700 calories worth of chips and salsa + 250 calories of a margarita + 100 calories of wine. So that's 1050 calories. My actual dinner was tiny; it was probably only 100 calories or so. So maybe, hopefully, I only ate 2000 calories today, right? That's not so bad.

I hate when I'm like this.

All of my comments turned to anonymous when I swtiched to Beta Blogger. That sucks.

Good Intentions

I fully intended this blog to be about training for my first marathon. But like every other blog I seem to start, it ends up being about boys. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Hell, I'm happy if there are boys to even blog about. The problem is that I start to worry that somehow they will find this and read about themselves and then figure out exactly how neurotic I really am. I've tried to use code names in other blogs but if you were Tim, for example, (guy that moved to San Diego) and I refered to you as Kickball guy, and you were reading, you'd still know you were you. What to do, what to do? Sometimes writing about guys is just a lot more interesting then writing about running.

I still fully intend to document all my marathon training here. I made myself get off the couch after watching two 6FU episodes*. I started to do that bargaining thing; telling myself, well, you could go to the gym tomorrow morning instead of tonight. But then I snapped back to reality and thought about how much I hate waking up early. I basically bribed myself with a Propel from QuikTrip if I went. Who does that? Bribes themself with an energy drink? It seems to work though and I did 4 miles on the treadmill. It felt sort of hard. It felt like the treadmill was at an incline. It wasn't. But I managed.

* I am now obsessed with the Imogen Heap version of the song, "I'm a lonely petunia in an onion patch." All 59 haunting seconds of it. I don't know what I'm going do when I finish watching the DVDs of this show.

Doable

I feel like I write the same thing over and over. My life is a constant struggle for balance. Lauren and Adina both told me to schedule the hell out of my days to make it all fit but it's hard. I have organizational issues. My brain just doesn't organize. I have calendars and planners galore but I never end up using them. I don't know how to plan. This is week 3. It's still pretty easy and I'm still freaking out. This is what I have to do: two 3-milers, a 4-miler and a 10 miler. Plus lower body. It's only Tuesday; it seems like it should be more than doable. But I also have to go out to dinner and have drinks tomorrow for Maya's birthday, go to a karaoke party on Saturday night and I'd like to see my kickball friends on Thursday since I haven't seen any of them in a while (and the "G" bar is acceptable to me.) The normal person wouldn't see any of this as a problem. I don't have to drink at any of these function. But I know myself and I will. So...

Tonight - 4 miles
Tomorrow - rest
Thursday - 3 miles
Friday - lower body and no falling victim to any sort of peer pressure.
Saturday - 10 miles
Sunday - 3 miles

Doable!!

Good things:
1. I found out that I have 6 more vacation days that I have to take before the end of the year.
2. I'm not obsessing about certain boys. Much.
3. I can't think of anything else right now but the 6 vacation days to use in the next 2.5 weeks rules.

Personality test

I took this personality test and the results were pretty accurate:

You feel tense, jittery, and nervous and often feel like something dangerous is about to happen. You may be afraid of specific situations or be just generally fearful. You rarely get angry and it takes a lot to make you angry. Mostly your emotions are on an even keel and you do not get depressed easily. You are not generally self conscious about yourself. You often resist any cravings or urges that you have, but sometimes you give in. You experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress.

You generally make friends easily enough although you mostly don't go out of your way to demonstrate positive feelings toward others. You like crowds but sometimes feel overwhelmed by them. Sometimes you feel like you need some privacy and time for yourself. You tend not to talk much and prefer to let others control the activities of groups. You lead a fast-paced and busy life. You move about quickly, energetically, and vigorously and are involved in many activities. You enjoy some excitment and risk taking in your life. You have a generally cheerful disposition.

You prefer facts over fantasy and are more interested in what is happening in the real word. You are not interested in the arts and do not display aesthetic sensitivity. You tend not to express your emotions openly and are sometimes not even aware of your own feelings. You prefer familiar routines and for things to stay the same. You can tend to feel uncomfortable with change. You prefer dealing with either people or things rather than ideas. You regard intellectual exercises as a waste of your time. Often you exhibit a readiness to challenge authority, convention, and traditional values. Sometimes you feel a certain degree of hostility toward rules and perhaps even enjoy ambiguity.

You mostly assume that people are honest and fair, however you are wary and hold back from trusting people completely. You believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. You are guarded in new relationships and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth about yourself. You do not particularly like helping other people. Requests for help feel like an imposition on your time. You dislike confrontations and are perfectly willing to compromise or to deny your own needs in order to get along with others. You feel superior to those around you and sometimes tend to be seen as arrogant by other people. You are mostly a compassionate person, however you prefer to make objective judgments when possible.

Often you do not feel effective, and may have a sense that you are not in control of your life. In general you tend to be disorganized and scattered. Your sense of duty and obligation is average and although you are mostly responsible you can sometimes be unreliable. You are content to get by with a minimal amount of work, and might be seen by others as lazy. You have a reasonable amount of will-power and are able to follow through on tasks that you feel you need to complete. You can be distracted however and have been known to procrastinate. You often say or do the first thing that comes to mind without deliberating alternatives and the probable consequences of those alternatives.

It just occured to me

that a burning feeling on my lips doesn't sound as poetic as it did last night after four Stellas. It sounds more like a cold sore.

Perhaps why I shouldn't drink and blog.

Burning Kisses

You ate too much as usual. You drank too much as usual. Your scared that your pants are too tight and that you have no control over what you put into your mouth. But it doesn't matter because your mouth still burns. Burn from someone else's lips on yours. Someone who you aren't sure how you even feel about except that he makes your lips burn and right now that burning feels pretty good.

Back to life

I'm back from my cruise. I can honestly say that I've never been so happy to touch down in Atlanta. Save for one drunken night, being on a boat full of senior citizens was not exactly fun. I did get all of mileage in this week though and I'm proud of that. It was hard to run on the treadmill because the boat was sort of rocky. I think I ate pretty well too. I had a piece of cake, baked alaska and a piece of pizza (and a bunch of margaritas and cheap tequila) but besides those indulgences, I was pretty heathly. It was good to get a break though from the day to day stuff. It made me appreicate my life and how much fun I really do have in Atlanta.

Sparks

I wrote this thing on Friday about how I was feeling depressed and the possible reasons why and everything but then I went running, saved the draft and feel better now so I don't think I'll publish it.

You know when you meet a guy and there's that spark? That feeling that you could sit in a crowded bar and talk to him for hours and not even notice the rest of the world? It's not just thinking about him, wondering if he'll call or answer that text or looking at his myspace page, it's something more. So, what happens when you meet a guy and it's not there? You like the guy. You really do. He's cute. He's nice. He'll drive far to see you. There's some sexual compatibilty but that spark just isn't there? Do you just move on? Reside to just being friends even though you've definitely crossed that threshold a long time ago. Or do you keep waiting, seeing if anything develops?

I'm supposed to run 8 miles today. The boat leaves at 5. I have to do it on the boat, I suppose. I don't have time to do it beforehand. I wonder if I'll have time to do it tonight.