Another monster month

I remember reading an article in Runner's World last year that talked about the "Monster Month," the month before the marathon. As of two days ago, I've officially entered my monster month. I called my mother today to whine.

"I don't want to run this race anymore. I'm tired all the time. I have no life. I fell asleep driving." Okay, I didn't tell her about the falling asleep driving part. There are somethings that mothers, and the rest of the world except out there in internet-land, don't really need to know.

"You don't have to run it."

"But I do. I told everyone that I know that I was running it. I can't back out now. I've already run 20 miles. I'm like a week away from tapering. I can't stop now. I will never forgive myself."

My mom doesn't want me to run this thing. She has mentioned several times that she thinks that I need to see a nutritionist. I keep asking her why. What I'm afraid she's getting at is that I've gained weight. It's sort of dumb that I'm worrying about that because I haven't even seen my mother in two months. She has no idea if I've gained weight or not. I have no idea if I've gained weight or not. Somehow the scale went from something I'd step on multiple times a day to something that I'm petrified of. I don't know which is worse. Anyway, I digress.

Runner's World has a bunch of suggestions on how to get through this month including:

1. Live in the present.
2. Don't skip scheduled runs (Umm, oops)
3. Go to bed earlier

I thought February was a hard month. I felt like all I was doing was running. Coupled with my new job, it was a very hard month. But February is over. Tomorrow is a new month. It might still be part of the monster month, but at least I'm getting more and more acclimated to my job. I have somewhat of a grasp on what it is that I actually do. I put up some pictures in my office. I know everyone's name. I've had lunch with a few folks.

I'm still tired and I'm still overwhelmed. But once this monster month is over, I'll be even more comfortable in my job and I'll have run a marathon.

Overwhelmed

I'm not having a good day. I'm on the verge of tears right now and it's for no particular reason aside from the fact that I feel overwhelmed. I went to the gym tonight to do 3 or 4 miles and my knees hurt so I did the elliptical instead. This marathon is overwhelming. I messed something up at work. Again. I got these folders printed and there was a big line in the middle of them. I don't know how it got there but what I really don't know is how I didn't notice. I keep messing up stupid shit like that. I'm afraid that they're going to fire me. Work is overwhelming. I just want my life back. I want consistency; I want routine. I hate change. I always have. I know it's something that I probably should work on because there is always going to be change. But change is overwhelming. New job, running more miles than ever, new boy (well, maybe), it's just making me really, really tired.

slow and steady

That was a big hunk of my day yesterday. I ate a lot during the run. I don't know if it helped but it gave me something to look forward to. I had a clif bar at mile 5, bought a propel at mile 6 (melon, which I didn't like and threw away.), bought some water at mile 9, another powerbar type thing at 11 and a banana and gatorade at 16. The banana helped. I was at a gas station and at that point I really was ready to be home and none of the food looked appealing at all but my energy levels were seriously waning so I bought a gas station banana. I don't usually drink Gatorade but I tried it and it tasted weird to me. I guess I'm just used to Propel. I used to like Gatorade though. There are so many flavors to choose from and then what's the deal with Gatorade Fierce and Gatorade Rain and stuff? I just bought plain ol' orange.

I ran slowly. Very slowly. I normally run a ten minute mile on the treadmill but for this run, I probably went as slow as a 12 minute mile. Some people run faster outside. I'm not one of them. My natural gait is just not fast. That's something I may want to work on after the race. I've got the distance thing covered, now maybe it's time to work on speed. Well, not now but in a month or so.

Speaking of slow and steady, I hung out with that guy again on Friday night. I went to his apartment and we played board games. I ended up sleeping there because he lives like 25 minutes away and I was tired. What's nice about this.. whatever it is... is that it is going slowly. I tend to move too fast with guys sometimes. I don't think my "number" is especially high or anything but there are several one time offenders on that list. Not one night stands, but guys that I have slept with too quickly and then things haven't worked out for whatever reason. So, it's sort of nice to take things slowly. At least I won't have any regrets this time.

Burnt Out

Apparently I was on crack when I thought that it would be a fun idea to train for a marathon. I did not realize that towards the end, running takes up your entire life. I'm tired and hungry all the time and my social life has been shot to hell. And for what, to kill myself to run 26 miles? Why am I doing this? Why do I feel like I have something to prove? Let's see, besides the voracious appetite and falling asleep while I'm driving, let's count the other ways this is taking over my life. Yesterday Erin wanted to go to some social event. I like social events. I like meeting new people. I didn't go because I had to run. She said it was fun. Today, two of my friends called me to see if I was going out (and ask for directions to the bar because I am direction queen.) Couldn't do that either. That new boy asked if I wanted to go out tomorrow, nope can't, have to rest up for my scary 20 miler. There's a touch football tournament all weekend. Nope. There's an oysterfest. Nope once again.

I lurk on the Runner's World and Cool Running forums and when I read race reports, there's something glamourous about them. I don't know why. But training is anything but glamourous. It's a big pain the ass.

And no, I've never smoked crack.

bleh

I kind of feel like shit. I have been extremely tired all day. I managed to go to the gym and do my 4 miles but it was a struggle. The actual run wasn't so bad, it was getting my ass out of bed after a long post-dinner nap. I know I'm really tired when I crawl into bed and don't even change out of my work clothes.

My face has been extremely dry. The combination of dry heat in my apartment (I'm cold natured and like it WARM), very hot showers and running in the cold has done a number on me. My chin, nose and lips look disgusting. It was so bad that this woman that I work with offered me some lotion. I thought it was just the stubble burn from the other night but when I looked in the mirror, I discovered that no, in actuality, I looked like a lepor. (Okay fine I don't really know what I lepor looks like but my skin was majorly peeling. I guess no apendages were falling off though.)

I'm kind of glad that I'm not going out with that boy tomorrow. I mean unless he's attracted to skin falling off my face into my food. (Okay, sorry gross.) Actually he sent me a text saying that he has a fever and feels horrible. I hope I don't have that. So, while we're on the subject of my insecurities with boys (what, you didn't know we were on that subject?), I think things with this guy are okay. We hung out on Sunday, I texted him on Monday and he responded. He sent me an email yesterday and I responded. He sent me a text today and I responded and then he did. So, that's all good right? He joined my kickball team. That has the potential to add a whole new dimension of drama to my life but I don't need to think about that quite yet.

Okay sleep. Oh and is it possible to use more parentheses in one post?

the bad, the good and the better

Bad - I messed something up at work that potentially could of cost us like 300 dollars.
Good - I got the company to reprint and we just have to pay for shipping.
Better - I designed these things for the CFO's side business and they came in today and she loved them. They did look nice, IMHO.

Bad - Something was wrong with the air conditioning at the gym. It was very hot.
Good - I still ran 4 miles.
Better - I did not stop at all. Sometime I jump to the side for about 20 seconds to take a drink and sort of take a rest. Lately, I haven't really had to.

Bad - I was supposed to go out with that boy on Thursday and he sent an email asking if we could reschedule for the weekend instead. I'm kind of busy this weekend.
Good - He wanted to reschedule which means that he is still interested in hanging out.
Better - I won't have to potentially miss a run and a personal problem that I'm having will be all better.

I'm tagging myself

I took this from Jkrunning.

GRUB-OLOGY

What is your salad dressing of choice? Whole Foods Mediteranean.
What is your favorite fast food restaurant? I don't do fast food. But I guess Subway.
What is your favorite sit down restaurant? The Earl. Which is a bar, but they have really good food. Specifically they have a really good marinated tofu sandwich or salad.
On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? 20 percent. I waited tables for a long time.
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Cottage cheese.
Name three foods you detest above all others. Blue Cheese, ham, mayo
What is your favorite dish to order in a Chinese restaurant? Shrimp with vegetables.
What are your pizza toppings of choice? Mushrooms, green peppers, black olives, tomatoes.
What do you like to put on your toast? Peanut butter.
What is your favorite type of gum? I don't chew gum. TMJ issues.

TECH-OLOGY

Number of contacts in your cell phone? It's really sad that I'm about to get up and look - 75
Number of contacts in your email address book? I don't use an email address book.
What is your wallpaper on your computer? F the president in the middle of a basic blue screen.
What is your screensaver on your computer? The generic apple one.
Are there naked pictures saved on your computer? No
How many land line phones do you have in your house? 1
How many televisions are in your house? 1
What kitchen appliance do you use the least? The blender.
What is the format of the radio station you listen to the most? Alternative, I guess.
How many sex toys do you own that require batteries? Well, technically no. They plug into the wall.

BI-OLOGY

What do you consider to be your best physical attribute? Lips
Are you right handed or left handed? Left
Do you like your smile? Yes
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Nope
Would you like to? Umm, no.
Do you prefer to read when you go to the bathroom? Actually, yes. I'm like a guy that way.
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? I'd say taste.
When was the last time you had a cavity? A few years ago.
What is the heaviest item you lift regularly? Ugh, weights at the gym?
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Does passing out on my bed count?

MISC-OLOGY

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? Nope.
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? I don't especially like my name but I don't know what I'd change it to.
How do you express your artistic side? I draw sometimes. And I have a kind of artsy job.
What color do you think you look best in? Blue?
How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison? I'd be crying before I got in.
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? Not that I know of, but probably.
If we weren’t bound by society’s conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at? No.
How often do you go to church? I'm Jewish. But I don't go to synagogue either.
Have you ever saved someone’s life? no
Has someone ever saved yours? no

DARE-OLOGY

For this last section, if you would do it for less or more money, indicate how much.

Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000? I'm kind of shy. Have to think about that one.
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? Yes.
Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? No!
Would you never blog again for $50,000? Yes.
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? Sure.
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? How hot?
Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000? No.
Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000? Dunno.
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? Yes.

boy stuff

I think I like this boy. But I'm scared that if I admit that, then it will jinx it. I don't know why I act like I'm in seventh grade. I think part of me still is. He said that he was hesistant because if we were on the same kickball team and I guess things didn't work out that would be weird. (That's actually very similar to what A. said.) Which is true, I guess, but I'm willing to give it a try. Besides, he's not even on my kickball team yet. If he's worried about that, he can join a different team. And besides again, he's the one that kissed me not vice versa.

That is not shedding a good light on him, I guess, but it wasn't like that. At all. We got along really well and he asked me all about myself (unlike B, who didn't ask me a thing, who I just happened to notice took me out of his myspace top friends but left my friend JL in them.) and told me that I had beautiful skin. Kissing him did not do good things for my "beautiful skin" however, now my chin looks as if someone has taken sand paper to it.

I get so worried sometimes. I worry that if I get excited about a new guy then I'm setting myself up for dissapointment. It's not a good way to live though. I'm missing out on the butterflies because I'm too scared to let myself feel them.

I need to go running. I keep putting off my 12 miler. I'm thinking of putting it off indefinitely but trying to convince myself otherwise.

I have stuff to write about but I'm having trouble articulating myself. I couldn't sleep well because there was someone new in my bed but he held my hand and that made me smile. And after a while I realized that maybe there could be something with this guy, maybe this wasn't just another alcohol fueled make out session. I'm confused, it was all sort of sudden and it was late and there was alcohol involved and now I don't know what to think. But it did make me happy when I laid my head on his shoulder and he held my hand.

random thoughts

I'm supposed to go to this party at an art gallery tonight but I really feel like sitting around doing nothing. I'm old; I can't take two nights out in a row anymore. But I'm going anyway, I guess. I'm supposed to go with a co-worker from my old job. I haven't seen her since I got fired (actually, she got fired too) and we've been talking about getting together for a while now. So I feel like I shouldn't back out because I'm lazy and still a bit hungover. It's 6:52 and I'm still wearing my fleece cloud pajamas.

This weekend has the potential to reak havoc on my liver. There was last night's birthday party, not to mention the fact that I had two beers with lunch (when in Rome, right?). Then I was talking to this guy that I recently met and invited him to something tomorrow. Some brewery anniversary party or some shit. I think I need a break after this.

Once my nose ring fell out while I was having sex. Just thought I'd throw that in there while I'm being random.

A beacon of safety but a pain in the ass for my friends

I've become really good at not drinking and driving as of late. The involves more of not driving rather than not drinking. I have been taking taxis or having friends drive me home. The problem occurs the next day. My car is always somewhere and I am not. So I have to have someone drive me to get it. I don't want to be the pain the ass friend who always needs a ride. But then again, I don't want to be the pain in the ass friend that always needs a ride because she lost her lisence. (That is one of those words that I can never spell, along with, ironically, exercise.)

Apparently NOT A GOOD IDEA also thinks it's not a good idea. He dropped me off at my apartment last night (hence the not having a car today) and just dropped me off. It's better that way; we should just be friends and that's it.

In more running related, this would only happen to me news, someone threw a soda at me! I was just minding my business running down North Druid Hills (a busy street) and all of a sudden my entire left side was wet. It took me a second to process what exactly happened but yeah, some asshole threw a cup of soda out his car window at me. What the hell? Who does that?

TGIT?

Sometimes I like Thursday night more than any other night of the week just because tomorrow is Friday. Friday is my favorite day even though I still have to go to work. The whole weekend is ahead of me and the possibilities seem endless. I could go out, I could sleep, I could do a million and one errands and chores. Actually, I have a three day weekend. I think I'm one of the only people that I know that has President's Day off.

I've been doing well in terms of running this week. My runs have been a bit longer during the week (5 and 6 milers) and the long run is a shorter one - 12. I've been going straight to the gym by my office right after work. It's not too crowded and what I like about this gym is the time limit during peak hours is 30 minutes. So basically I've been running for 30 minutes, hopping off the treadmill, waiting in line again and finishing my run on a different treadmill. It is nice to get home by 7ish and then be done for the evening. Lots of people at work have been asking me about my marathon. It's good that I have something to talk about with people, I guess. It's funny. There are about 20 people that work there and I'd say that 13 or so are friendly and the others are not. Not unfriendly, but just don't strike up a conversation. But that's more than half that do, so I'm happy about that. I know everyone's name finally. It only took me two weeks.

I have lots of plans this weekend. It's Emily's birthday tomorrow. I'm supposed to go out with my friend Shelly from my old job on Saturday and I have been kind of asking around to see if anyone is off on Monday that might go out on Sunday. I also have to get a 12 mile run in there at some point.

You know what's fun?

When you go to the gym after work to run 3 miles and realize that not only have you forgotten a sports bra, but you have also forgotten a hair elastic. But I did the 3 miles anyway with my boobs pratically hitting me in the nose and my hair turning into a giant mess.

We had a staff meeting at work today. Of course, I understood about 2 percent of what they were talking about. They used a lot of acronyms. I did flash back to one of my other jobs and remembered how confused I was at the first meeting and how eventually I got it. So in a couple months, I think I'll be all good. The sales manager introduced me and told them that I was running a marathon. (I have a big mouth.) and two other women came into my office afterwards and told me that they'd run marathons and gave me all sorts of advice which was well appreciated. This one woman even said that she'd run the last couple of miles with me. I don't know why I didn't think of that before, but is there any reason that I can't enlist my friends to run the very end with me?

Waiting

One of the things that I hate the most about a new job is not knowing what to do when you don't have anything to do. I don't know enough about my job to find something productive to do and don't know enough to know if it's okay to do nothing if there is nothing. I don't want to be annoying and always asking what I should be doing, but I honestly don't know. I just want it to be two months from now. I want to be comfortable at my job. I want the marathon to be over. I want to wear cute tops and flip flops. I tend to do this a lot; I sort of wish my life away.

I went to the gym tonight with the intent of running 5 miles on the treadmill. Not so much. My legs just felt like jello. I don't know why I have such a hard time following the training plan. I mean, besides the fact that it's a shitload of running. I just feel like since I'm following this basic, bare-bones plan, it shouldn't be that hard. I think it was partially mental tonight. I just didn't want to run. The thought of being on that treadmill for 50 minutes was just too much. Plus, my Ipod was dying. So I did the Arc Trainer for 30 minutes instead.

I guess I can't really call myself a slacker

What I was supposed to do today:

1. Take my recycling to Whole Foods.
2. Grocery shop.
3. Return overdue library books.
4. Go to REI and exchage pants that my mother sent me.
5. Run 3 miles

What I did:

1. Ate.
2. Slept
3. Ate more.

18 miles and a drive of shame

The first 13 miles or so were fine. Then I had to go to the bathroom. So I stopped at Mellow Mushroom. It kind of went downhill from there. I started to get really cold. By this point the sun was starting to set and I guess that stopping and going into a warm restaurant and back into the cold air just got to me. I had purchased a Propel at the CVS next door but had to throw it away because it was making my hands too cold. I'm a big wimp. It was like 38 degrees out but I felt like I was in the Arctic. Around mile 14 or 15, I just felt like I was never going to get home and I was going to freeze to death. When I finally hit North Druid Hills (the road that I live off of), I felt a bit more optimistic that I would, in fact, make it home in one piece. I kind of got a second wind and even ran a bit faster. At least I felt like I was running faster, who knows? I made it home and took a warm shower and after about an hour or so finally felt warm.

So...the drive of shame part...

This story is going to start out badly from the first sentence. I met this guy in a gas station. We were at a bar next door and I had gone with Erin to the gas station so she could get cigarettes. This guy was in line behind us and we started talking about running marathons. Anyway, long story short Erin and her friend Melissa left me to go to another bar (for some reason I wasn't bothered by this, I was with some other friends) so eventually the guy and I take a cab to the other place. Somehow we start making out and of course as I'm doing this, I run into A, who I'd much rather be making out with. I find Erin and Melissa and we all go to Erin's house and the guy and I are still making out and eventually fall asleep. So, the next morning (which would be today) the guy and I take a taxi to get our cars because Erin has lost her keys. At this point I start to realize that this guy has this annoying laugh that I either didn't notice or overlooked last night. Or he wasn't laughing. But it's starting to bother me. Plus I had a headache. I got to my car and am driving home and am at a stop light and see two of my friends walking down the street. I look like hell. My makeup is all smeared and I'm wearing going out clothes. It's kind of apparent that I haven't been home even though it's past noon. One of them asks me where I'm going and I tell her home. "From last night?" she asks. Umm yeah.

Why do these things happen to me?

Ack

This going to take up the majority of my day tomorrow. 18 miles! I was the kid that walked the mile in gym class.

So sleepy

Not sure if I'm still recovering from my crazy weekend but I am so tired today. I had to get another soda at around 11 am, took a nap in my car at lunch and just took another nap when I got home from work. I was supposed to run 4 miles today. Yeah, I didn't go. I am just too tired. A part of me said that I'd wake up early and do it tomorrow morning, but I think I'm just going to make it up on Friday which is supposed to be my off day. My legs would probably be happier with me if I gave them a break before the 18 miles on Saturday but oh well. I'm too tired tonight. Maybe I'm coming down with a cold. I have been sort of sniffly.

I'm at the point where I just want this marathon to be over. I read an article once that says that people get like this; they imagine what life will be like when the race is over. I just feel like all I ever do anymore is run or prepare to run. Sometimes (like tonight) I just need a break. But then I start to worry that if I don't follow my plan to the T, I won't be able to do it. I've only skipped two runs, I think. Maybe just one. They've been short ones. I've done all my long ones so far.

MIA

For the next month and a half, I'm going to be pretty MIA. Marathon training is about to totally take over my life and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I wasn't supposed to do this thing by myself. I was supposed to do it with Erin. She got too busy with work and said she'd do the half. Now I don't think she's even doing that. It's not that I mind running the race by myself, in fact I prefer that, it's the training. It's the fact that I have to stay in one weekend night and most weeknights and it's almost like I'm a kid and I'm grounded. All my friends are going out and I have to stay in. Only it's self imposed. I shouldn't feel like that. I should enjoy running and I do, but I feel like whenever I do go out, I act excessively. (Case in point - spending the night at a friends house on a school night and not going to bed until probably 3 am. Case in point #2 - hanging out with people that work at a club and have accesss to it after hours.)

Marathon training is not about moderation. I know that. It's just hard to squeeze life in when it takes up so much of my time. Of course, I could run in the morning and solve half of my problems but then I'd have nothing to whine about.

Why do I do this?

If you don't know me, you might feel sorry for me. But if you do know me, or if I've written about this before, you won't. I don't learn from my mistakes and/or am a glutton for punishment. I ate a bunch of sugar free candy again. This happens every couple of months or so. I think that maybe whatever specific candy I happen to buy might not hurt my stomach, and maybe it wouldn't if I only ate two or three pieces. But not me, I have to eat like ten. I don't know why I do this. They were some Walgreen's green apple candies. Yeah, they were good but not that good. Not good enough to warrant the gas pains that I've been having for the past four hours. I can deal with being a human stinkbomb; I do live alone. But I have to go to the gym at some point within the next hour. I cannot skip a four mile run because I'm an idiot.

I've had a lot of new jobs in my life. I know that it takes a while to get acclimated to everything. But every single time, I'm impatient. I want to know what I'm supposed to be doing right away. I want to be friendly with people right away. I want to be used to it. How long does it take? A month. Three? I've only been there for a week. I just want to feel comfortable. I guess not eating sugar free candies would help with that too.

Can't believe it.

I ran 12 miles on Saturday afternoon and guess what? It was easy! I couldn't believe it but I really wasn't even tired when I finished. I almost thought that gmap-pedomter was wrong and that it wasn't 12 miles but when I saw that it took me over two hours, I realized that it was. I ate a Clif bar during. I wasn't even really hungry for it but I had to carry it and wanted to go into a gas station and get some Propel and didn't want them to think I stole it. This Saturday is 18 miles. I feel like 18 is the big one. There are some training plans that only go up to 18 (mine not being one of them), so I guess if I can run 18, I can run a marathon? Right??

Right.

So cute

I'm not a person that normally thinks that babies are that cute but this is my friend's daughter and she's the cutest thing ever.

Back to the boy drama

So, work related drama has been diminished so of course that means that boy related drama pops right back up again. I don't know why I need to have some sort of drama in my life. I guess it makes it interesting. Anyway, this is the NOT A GOOD IDEA boy who probably would not be pleased that that is how I refer to him in my blog. I don't want to go into the myriad of reasons that it's not a good idea (there's one big one in particular) but he's also one of my friends. I have an issue with that. I mean with friendships with guys becoming physical. I have very few guy friends that I have maintained a completely platonic relationship with. Well, except for my gay friends. Even then, I made out with my friend Danny once. But it never really goes from friend to relationship. It goes from friend to friend with benefits. Or from friend to awkward.

He smelled good last night. I also think he's really fucking cute. So what was I supposed to do?