Free time, what's that?

I told myself that I would give my body a break this week. That means no running and no working out of any kind. It's harder than it sounds. Mentally, that is. I'm convinced that this free week is going to take it's toll on me physically. I've had dreams of gaining weight. I'm suddenly convinced that my clothes that formally fit are too tight. I'm trying to make myself eat less. I developed a hell of an appetite during marathon training and could definitely put away a ton of food. Now, I need to learn to control my portions once again.

You'd think it'd be a relief; I no longer have to worry about putting in all that mileage. But now I'm back to worrying about eating. I wonder if this is ever going to go away. By "this," I mean my pre-occupation with gaining weight. It comes in waves. Sometimes I think I'm fine and other times I long for the time when I was thisclose to having an eating disorder. And I know that longing for an eating disorder is not fine. I'm not in the same place mentally that I was then. I'm happier. I have a job that I like. I have a lot of friends. I'm dating someone. I don't need to base my life around what I eat and what I don't. But there's this fear. A fear of weight gain. A fear that if I do gain weight, all of those good things in my life will go away because those things only come with being small.

Maybe I'm going through the post-race blues that everyone talks about. I mean, in a way, training for a marathon defined my life for a while. I would go out and meet people and tell them that I was running a marathon. It's not exactly the same to go out and tell people that I did run one. It's not my life anymore.

I do have a sudden abundance of free time though. Free time, what's that?

My get out of jail free card

Today I'm giving myself the opportunity to eat whatever I want. So far, dinner has been a soy hot dog (yes, that's what I wanted, I know, I'm weird), an entire bag of Stacey's Pita chips and several handfuls of jelly beans. I'd say roughly a 1100 calorie dinner. This is my get out of jail free card. My I just ran a marathon and I'm treating myself card. My I didn't really eat anything for the past two days and I need to make up the calorie deficit card.

And out of all the food in the world, I choose a soy hot dog?

Race Report

Of course I was being ridiculous about the boy not calling me back about dinner. He ended up coming and he, Jamie, Dave, my mother and I went to this Italian restaurant called Benedettis. It wasn't the best food and the busboy kept spilling the water; once he spilled it down my mothers back and once he spilled in on the boy's shoes. Our waiter also knocked over my water and that landed on my mother too. After dinner, my mom and I went to Target and TCBY and then I dropped her off at her hotel and went home.

The next morning, I woke up at 5 and took a shower and ate an english muffin. I picked up my mom and we met Lauren and Adina at the MARTA station. The MARTA, of course, broke and we were stuck at the Civic Center station for like 15 minutes. Almost everyone on the train were runners and since it was getting close to 7, everyone was getting nervous. The train finally started moving again and we got the the start at about 6:50.

There were a lot of people there. We didn't even cross the start line until about 15 minutes into the race. Adina and Lauren were running the half. The half and the full ran the same course for the first 4 miles. I ran with them. At this point, the temperature was perfect and I felt great. They didn't have anyone saying the times at every mile, just at certain ones. The first one was at the 10K. I think I was an hour and some change. I don't remember. What I do remember, however, is seeing signs for water and Powerade and there being none. I knew that my mom would be at mile 9, so I figured I'd just wait until then. The boy had said that he would meet my mom at mile 9 and take her to meet Jamie at mile 16 or so. I told them to meet me at a certain corner. As I came around the bend, I couldn't tell if the person with my mom was the boy or was Jamie. All I really saw was blonde hair and sunglasses. It was the boy. It made me really happy that he showed up and was hanging out with my mother, nonetheless. I was still feeling good at this point and seeing them helped a lot. I saw them again at mile 11 and they gave me some water. At this point, we were near Emory. I stopped to pee here. Around mile 12, I started running with this guy and talked to him for about four miles. At 16, I saw the boy and my mom again and then a few feet later, I saw a woman that I worked with. My mom and the boy gave me oranges and my work friend gave me M&Ms. I shared them with my running buddy.

At this point, it started to get hard. The sun was bearing down and the temperature was at a record breaking high. Plus, it was hilly. I ran until mile 18 and then stopped to walk for a little bit. My running buddy had stopped to pee at some point, but caught up to me since I was walking. I started running again with him and ran to about 19. At this point, I really needed to walk, so he kept going and I slowed down. 18 to 20 kind of sucked because it was an out and back. As we crossed 18, you could see 20 on the other side and that was kind of hard because you knew it was still 2 miles away. I walked for a lot of this part, stopping to jog sometimes. As I got to around 21.5ish, I saw my mom, the boy and Jamie. I think I was like, "This fucking sucks!!" as I passed them. I was half running/half walking. Jamie walked with me a little bit. They told me that my other friends were at mile 24. I was mostly walking at this point. It was just so hot out. I did some sort of walk/run type thing until mile 24. They were all there again and Erin and the guy that she's dating ran with me for the last two miles. That really helped. Erin was running in flip flops which shows how slow I was running at this point. Seeing the mile 26 sign was the best thing I've ever seen in my life. I saw the finish line and ran across. Afterwards, I somehow managed to find a diet coke. I really wanted to shower so we went to my apartment.

The plan was to get chips and salsa because that is what I thought I'd want. However, it didn't really go that way. I didn't really think I'd feel as bad as I did. I showered and sat on the couch and basically couldn't get up. So we ordered pizza. Emily came over and the four of us just hung out for a while. The boy stayed until about 6. At this point, I was starting to not feel so great. I felt naseous and got into my bed. My mom said it was hot in the apartment but I was shivering. All of a sudden, I realized that I was going to throw up but my body just wasn't allowing me to get out of bed, so I threw up in the trash can next to my bed. I hate throwing up. I rarely do it. I threw up four times in a row. I felt better after that. I got back in bed and tried to drink some Gatorade. At about 11pm, I was hungry and ate a bagel.

I didn't sleep well. I didn't have sheets on my bed because I'd thrown up all over them and didn't feel like putting new ones one. So today, I basically slept all day. My mom's flight was at 5. We didn't really do much. We went to Einstein Bros to get a bagel. I ate half of it. My mom was worried about me because I wasn't so hungry. I felt naseous again after eating the bagel. I went back to sleep and now I feel a little better. I'm still not 100% but I did eat some and after all, I did run a marathon yesterday.

Bah

I'm full of butterflies. Oddly enough, or not really if you know me, I'm more worried that the boy isn't going to call me back than about the marathon. I know, I know. I'm a freak. He left me a voicemail this morning asking what time we were going to dinner and I called him back and left a message. Then a few hours later I texted him. Nothing. He'll show up. I know he will. I just really don't want my mom to think I'm dating some asshole. He's not an asshole though which is why he'll call me back. Or in half an hour, he's getting another phone call. F those games. I need to know if he's coming.

I went to the expo to pick up my bib. There were two lines; one was for the full marathon and the other was for the half. The full marathon line breezed right in while the people in the line for the half had to wait. We walked around for a bit, sampling Clif bars and other energy type of foods, my mom nagging me to hydrate myself the entire time.

Speaking of hydration (which my father also called to tell me about. Do my parents really think I'm that much of an idiot?), I have been peeing every two seconds because I'm drinking so much.

Nerves

I woke up at 7 this morning for no reason other than nerves and the fact that I went to sleep at 11 pm. Oh and that I can never sleep late. I'm trying to get my shit together for tomorrow. I made a marathon playlist. It has 377 songs on it. I really hope I'm not going to go through 377 songs! I might go back and edit and just put songs that I really love on it. I'm doing laundry. My clothes are ready. I made a list of things to give to my mother in a backpack. I don't have a backpack though. Someone's got to have one.

I'm going to the expo with Jamie and Dave this afternoon to pick up our numbers.

I don't know how I'm going to get through today. I'm a bundle of nerves. I have gone to the bathroom like 5 times already today. Maybe I should have sex. Get out some pent up energy? Or maybe I should leave the energy in my body for tomorrow.

I think this is the most disorganized post ever!

After the marathon

After the marathon.

I read an article once, though I have no idea where, about how when you train for a marathon (how when? That doesn't sound right.) all you can think about is life after the marathon. That's where I'm at right now. After the marathon I'll be able to hang out with friends more. After the marathon I'll be able to take weekend trips. After the marathon I'll be able to sleep all day if I want. And mainly, after the marathon I'll be able to lift weights again.

Strength training has completely taken a backseat to running. And when I say completely, I mean I haven't lifted weights in at least two weeks and even before that, it was very sporadic. My body responds well to strength training. It doesn't respond as well to tons of cardio. I feel flabby. Maybe it's in my head; I just feel gross. I know I'm in good shape, but I put on a shirt today that I wore all last summer and it just doesn't feel like it fits right. I want to be more toned. I want to be happy with my body. I don't know if that will ever happen. My eating habits need to clean up a bit too. I've definitely been using the, "I'm running a marathon" excuse when it comes to eating. Like umm, Krispy Kreme donut yesterday at work. I don't even like donuts!

I can never find that happy medium concerning working out, food and body image.

It's looming

Seriously? In the 80s? I do not run when it is in the 80s. I'm wimpy. I don't like extreme hot or extreme cold. And 84 in the end of March is EXTREME HOT!!! A co-worker tried to assure me that it wouldn't be that hot at the start. Right now I just want this to be over. I want to run 26.2 miles and move on with my life. I've read a lot about tapering. A lot of people say that it makes them feel unprepared for the race. In my case, this is true. They also say, however, that they are itching to run. In my case, not true. I'm sick of running. I'm sick of it dictating my life. I really do have a love/hate relationship with it though. I've been irritiable all week and I'm almost 100% sure it's from not running.

I have nothing else really to report. I still haven't heard from the boy but I think he really is just busy. I mean, nothing happened between us. Maybe I just got it into my head that things are more serious than they really are. I tend to do that. How appropriate - my horoscope: Tone down the intense energy you've been focusing on someone new -- it's confusing.


What should I eat after the marathon? Any suggestions? Crap, I'm all about eating fattening crap. Except, oddly enough, for the most part I don't like fattening crap.

Repeat to yourself

When I'm feeling insecure about guys, I like to read this recent post from This Fish.

Repeat to yourself, "I'm not mad, I'm playing darts." and stop fucking overanalyzing.

Worry wart

When I was in college, I smoked a lot of pot. I think I was somewhat happier then because my mind was so hazy. Now, sans all the smoke, my brain is a lot clearer. But maybe clearer isn't better. Because for me, a clear mind leads to thinking and while thinking in itself is great, overthinking and dwelling is not. I get thoughts into my head and can't shake them. They're usually stupid, meaningless things; so and so is mad at me, a boy doesn't like me, I did a bad job at work and other things like that. Usually my fears don't end up to be warranted at all. But I don't learn and it doesn't help me from thinking them. I think I'm a pessimist at heart. I don't necessarily think that things are always going to turn out badly but I worry that they will. I worry a lot.

Usually running helps with the anxiety. Running and lexapro. I haven't been running as much though and that's adding to my worrying. But it's not running the actual marathon that I'm worried about exactly. It's more of the little things. Will I get there on time? Will it be too hot towards the end? Will my friends show up? Will the boy show up? Why did E tell me that she wanted to go to the pasta dinner the night before and completely forget that she told me and is now telling me that the restaurant is bad? Am I expecting too much from the new boy? Okay, that last one isn't about the marathon but in my mind everything is about the marathon.

In which I try to figure out boys and fail miserably

I talked to the boy last night. Not TALKED, but we just talked on the phone. I asked him if he wanted to get together this week which means either tonight or tomorrow since we have kickball on Thursday. He basically said no. He said he needed to figure some stuff out and he hasn't been home in a long time and he's stressed out at work. I just said, "Okay." Then he was like, "I'll see you on Thursday though." He still said he was coming to the marathon. I don't know. This puts all kinds of doubt in my mind. Maybe he thinks we're spending too much time together. Maybe he doesn't like me as much as I like him. Maybe this, maybe that. Or maybe he really just needs some time to himself. My nature is to overanalyze everything. I annoy and depress the hell out of myself by doing it. This is what happens to me every single time I date someone. I get to the point where I start liking him a lot and then I get scared and decide that he doesn't feel the same so I completely back off.

Anyone else care to decode? Or is there anything to decode?

T-minus six days

So this officially starts my "be good to yourself" week. BGTY week includes the following:

1. Drink water. Lots of water.
2. Eat healthly. Stop snacking so much but eat good meals and include a bit more carbs than usual.
3. Go to bed early. At least early-ish.
4. Don't drink.
5. Follow the training plan for the last week. It's easy.
6. Keep up with the glucosomine.

In other non-running news, I am a bit surprised at how much I missed the boy last weekend. He was out of town but I did see him on Thursday night. This is still a very new well, whatever you want to call it, friendship/relationship/whatever and I just didn't think I'd feel like this but I do really like him and that scares me. I am afraid to put myself out there. I think that's why I have so many dates and so few relationships. I'm very scared of getting hurt. I think I should just risk it for once. We've been dating for about a month now. I'm starting to have those, "What's going on here?" feelings. I think THE TALK is coming. I hate THE TALK. I avoid THE TALK.

Oh, I guess I need to go to work.

Nothing

I've started writing about a million things this morning and I just can't decide what I want to say. My mind's been that way lately.

ummm.. OMFG

I'm running a marathon in a week!! I've been printing things out and it's hitting me; I'm running a fucking marathon in a week. OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!

It's a good thing I actually looked at the website. I've been telling all my friends that it starts at 8:30. Umm, it starts at 7. Oopsy.

I'm going to be a mess for the next eight days. A hyper, anxious mess.

Logistics and such

It suddenly occured to me that my marathon is a week from Sunday. It also occured to me that I have absolutely nothing figured out. It's like for some reason, I've been avoiding all things running related. I used to be on running websites all the time. Maybe it's because I now spend my days actually working, but I haven't graced Runner's World or Cool Running in a while. But it's coming up and I need to prepare.

Specifically, here's what I need to figure out:

1. When and where I pick up my race packet.
2. When and where I pick up my mother.
3. How I'm getting to the race.
4. Where my mother will be and how she will get there.
5. What I'll wear which depends on the weather. I'm pretty sure that I'll wear these gray capri running pants that I like a lot but I have no idea what to wear for a top. I need my ugly-ass visor too.
6. Which of my friends are going to come and where they will be and what they will bring me to eat.
7. Music for my marathon mix.
8. What to do at the end and how I'm going to get home. I wish my mother knew how to drive stick. That would make my life a little easier.

Ack!

Would you like some pollen with that run?

It happens every Spring here. It gets warm out and you shove your sweaters under the bed or in the closet and bring out all of your flip flops and tank tops. It's light out after you get home from work and even after you've eaten dinner. You no longer have to go to the gym. You can run outside. You can run outside in shorts. But there's one little catch:

FUCKIN POLLEN!!!

That happens every Spring here too. The cars all turn yellow. If you have a black car, you might forget the color within a month. There's no use in washing it because it'll just turn yellow again the next day. You spend all your money on Clairitin. And you really hope that for your marathon, you don't forget to take it.

(For some reason, I enjoy writing in the second person. Or, I guess I should say you enjoy it, but that wouldn't make any sense.)

Ahh, the lessons I should learn

Lesson #1: Don't drink all day after running 15 miles.
Lession #2: If you are going to ignore lesson #1, at least eat something.
Lesson #3: Learn to spell "lesson."
Lesson #4: Do not think it would be funny to have new boy give you a big hickey.
Lesson #5: Especially before a business trip.
Lesson #6: If your flight to is at Chicago is at 8, don't get to the airport at 7:20.

So yeah, my good friend basically told me that I'm drinking too much, I have a large hickey that hasn't gone away and I missed my flight to Chicago. I'm kinda bummed. Well, not about the flight part, I got another one. Not really about the hickey either, although what almost 29 year old has a hickey?

Up

I set my alarm for 7:50. It's 6:25. I'm awake. I've eaten breakfast and am patiently waiting for the sun to rise so I can get outside and do my run. It's already 52 degrees outside. If I run at 6:45, I'll be done by 9:45 and can get a nap in before my proposed afternoon of [a week early] St. Patrick's Day debauchery.

Things are pretty good lately. Work is good. Stuff with that boy is good. What's not good is the amount of food that I've been shoveling into my mouth under the guise that I'm hungry because I'm running a lot. Am I really that much hungrier or do I just let myself think I am? I was watching "Intervention" last night (a great show if you've never seen it. Friday night at 10 on A&E) and one of the addicts was a bulemic. Now, I am not and never have been bulemic. But something that she said did strike a chord with me. She said to her parents, "Food might be something that I'll never be okay with." I feel like that sometimes. Granted, I'm come a long way in overcoming some somewhat disordered behaviors, but thinking about food and and the guilt that goes along with eating something "bad" and wishing I didn't eat as much, those thoughts are always in the back of my mind.

Oops, I didn't even intend to write about that.

Doubt

I ran 3 miles tonight and it was hard. My legs felt like lead. I did it with some walk breaks and left the gym almost in tears. I'm having such a hard time with training lately. I know that I need to be positive but I'm doubting myself big time. I'm doubting my motivation, my dedication and my actual physical ability. Work was stressful today. I'm still unsure of what it is I'm doing. Thankfully there is one woman there, a salesperson, who helps me a lot. Actually she helps me stay motivated for the marathon too. I think she's going to come watch.

I'm wondering if I'm not getting enough protein. I'm tired. I'm really tired. But that could be stress related too. I have been craving a lot of cheese and milk lately and I don't even really like cheese or milk. Maybe my body is trying to tell me something. I don't eat red meat, pork or chicken but I do eat fish and dairy. Is this enough protein and iron? I know that all the vegetarian info says that you really don't need to worry about protein as much as you'd think, but maybe that doesn't apply for marathon training? I don't know.

My next marathon...if there is one...I'm not traning alone. I'll tell you that much for sure.

And I miss you

I met J at my first "real" job in Atlanta. We were inseparable from the start. We quickly became roommates and did everything together. It was a rather tumultuous friendship at times. He knows me better than anyone else has ever known me in my life. We can read each others minds. We can finish each others sentences. But at the same time, we fought. We were together too much. There were period where we worked together and lived together and were basically each other's only friend. It took a toll on our friendship. Things started getting really bad last year. Specifically, in my mind though he might think otherwise, when I started dating E. We really started fighting. We both thought that our friendship wasn't going to last. But it did. We moved into our own apartments and eventually began to have our own lives. We made new friends, we had different jobs. I thought things were going to be okay. But now when I call, he doesn't answer. When I invite him out, he doesn't want to go.

I guess we're in different phases in our lives. He's almost seven years older than I am. I still want to go out until the wee hours of the morn, while he wants to drink wine and try fancy restaurants with his boyfriend. I miss him. I miss having someone around who gets me. Someone who laughs at the same things that I laugh at. Someone who I can ask, "Will I like that restaurant?" and he'll know for sure yes or no. It's not because he has a boyfriend now that I don't see him. Or maybe it is. Eventually I'm going to stop trying. But I'll still miss him.

my indulgent weekend

My weekend of indulgence has come to an end. I did end up working out a little bit after all. I went to the gym and ran 3 miles and then after feeling rather ill, did the arc trainer for another 45. I wonder if I'm totally screwing myself here but I am just so sick of marathon training. I think a big part of it is that I'm doing it by myself. I have no one to push me, no one to entertain me while I run. There only seem to be alternative plans that are way more fun. Umm, like my weekend...

My plan was flawed from the beginning. I should not plan for my long run to be on a Sunday. I need it to be on Saturday. Not only to get it over with more quickly, but so I'll always have a fall back day should I become a lazy excuse for a person. Actually, my indulgent weekend requires a little bit of backstory. My friends have a group (not going to tell what it's called, although it's quite clever, I don't want this blog to come up if anyone googles it.) that goes to a bar every Thursday. They began with A and every week go through the Alphabet. Last week was supposed to be Q. Apparently, nothing in Atlanta begins with a Q so they decided not to go out. My friend L, however, still wanted to. L lives next door to new boy. That's actually how I met him. In a freak incident where I actually planned ahead of time, I had my gym stuff with me at work. So I ran 4 miles and drove up to L's house. I'm making this story unecessarily long - point of it is that I slept at new boys house and didn't get much sleep since I had to drive home first the next day before work to change my clothes. This was after I had a fashion show at his house, trying to find something of his that wouldn't look absolutely ridiculous on me.

We had dinner reservations at a nice restaurant in Buckhead the following night at 9:15. My plan was to go home and get a short nap and go to the gym. Only the work Gods didn't see it that way because I had to work late. So between a nap and running, you can figure out what was sacrificed. The dinner was good...and the start of the indulgencies. I had a prickly pear maragarita and we had a bottle of wine. I also had salmon and we split a tuna tartare appetizer. We went to several other bars and by the time last call rolled around, we were in no condition to drive. We took a taxi back to my place and, after making the taxi driver stop so I could get cash and oddly enough, buy peanut butter, got back home.

Needless to say, my chaste intentions went flying out the window. The next day we had to drive back to Decatur to get his car. After a series of mishaps which included not being able to park in a lot because the gate wouldn't open, new boy almost running over some small children and me cursing the broken soda machine at Kroger, we ended up meeting up with a runnning club that he had joined at a bar. Somehow everyone left but us. We ended up meeting some other friends for dinner where I ate an entire ramekin of spinach and artichoke dip by myself, not to mention a bunch of tator tots. We decided to go bowling. By this point, I was really tired and still trying to fool myself into thinking that I was still going to run.

By the time we actually got out of bed this morning, it was noon. I was hungry. We got food and somehow went back to my apartment and looked at a book about dogs and laughed at it and fell asleep. He left at 4.

I had a really fun weekend but I feel sort of gross. I am not pleased with the amount of food and alcohol that was consumed. Although I am pleased with the amount of...well, you know.

My weekend

What I did this weekend: Went on a date that lasted approximately 68 hours.
What I did not do this weekend: Run. At all. Because of said date.

Oh boy.

Would you like some whine with that cheese?

I emailed him last night around 7. Haven't heard anything back. It was only last night. That's totally normal, I know it is, but it plants these seeds of doubt in my mind. Granted, I don't express them (well, except to the internet) but they are still there. And they're probably completely unfounded. And you know what, what if they're not? So what? I just hate that I can be so needy sometimes. He's probably busy with work. Or tired. Hell, I'm busy with work and tired. I think I have an email addiction. I need to realize that not everyone else does too.

Oh and just to clarify, I'm still running the marathon. I went to sleep at 9:45 last night and feel much better. I had to sacrifice my Real World obsession but it was worth it, I hope.