Free time, what's that?

I told myself that I would give my body a break this week. That means no running and no working out of any kind. It's harder than it sounds. Mentally, that is. I'm convinced that this free week is going to take it's toll on me physically. I've had dreams of gaining weight. I'm suddenly convinced that my clothes that formally fit are too tight. I'm trying to make myself eat less. I developed a hell of an appetite during marathon training and could definitely put away a ton of food. Now, I need to learn to control my portions once again.

You'd think it'd be a relief; I no longer have to worry about putting in all that mileage. But now I'm back to worrying about eating. I wonder if this is ever going to go away. By "this," I mean my pre-occupation with gaining weight. It comes in waves. Sometimes I think I'm fine and other times I long for the time when I was thisclose to having an eating disorder. And I know that longing for an eating disorder is not fine. I'm not in the same place mentally that I was then. I'm happier. I have a job that I like. I have a lot of friends. I'm dating someone. I don't need to base my life around what I eat and what I don't. But there's this fear. A fear of weight gain. A fear that if I do gain weight, all of those good things in my life will go away because those things only come with being small.

Maybe I'm going through the post-race blues that everyone talks about. I mean, in a way, training for a marathon defined my life for a while. I would go out and meet people and tell them that I was running a marathon. It's not exactly the same to go out and tell people that I did run one. It's not my life anymore.

I do have a sudden abundance of free time though. Free time, what's that?