Monday, Monday

I found myself in quite a chipper mood this morning. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I went to sleep at 9:45? I think I need to succumb to the fact that I really do need 8+ hours of sleep a night.

I'm really trying to be healthier lately. It's not really working. I went to the gym at lunch and did a lot of leg stuff. I tried to do some of the heavier, more uncomfortable stuff that I normally shy away from. I might give in and join Adina at kickboxing tomorrow. (I said might!)

I feel like I have nothing interesting at all to write about. I could write about how I feel large and am not happy with my body, but I write about that all the time. I could write about how I hooked up with C once again and am probably setting myself up for unnecessary drama, but I write about that all the time. I could write about how I tried to run and just wasn't feeling it so I ran/walked instead, but I write about that all the time.

I need new material, people.

My day yesterday

1. Rain
2. Lunch nap
3. Do not text message him
4. Fine, well he texted me first
5. Sushi
6. Sake sampler
7. Adult trivia at Johnny's pizza
8. Anchovies are gross
9. Am I the only one who didn't know what a limp biscuit was? (Do you?)
10. 2nd place!
11. Golden Tee is not as fun as bowling but fun nonetheless
12. Bouncy balls in beers
13. Chomper
14. Couches at P'cheen
15. My bed. Alone.

Oh, I forgot to include my run. But a list of 15 seems more appealing than a list of 16. But I did run a little bit. I'm going to try to run 5 or 6 miles tomorrow. I feel soft lately.

The forgotten child

My father didn't exactly forget my birthday. He just "didn't get around to calling me" and when he thought about it, "he thought I'd be out." What the fuck does that mean? He knows that I have a cell phone; I would have gotten the call. If I didn't he could have left a message. That's a lot nicer than calling me the next day. But seriously, who does that? I call him on his birthday. Nothing, nothing from him, nothing from my stepmother, nothing from my brother and nothing from my sister. I'd be suprised if my stepmother even knows my birthday. So my dad feels guilty; he feels guilty enough to buy me an Ibook. Which is nice, but I really just want a phone call. He can't buy me things to make up for not being there. I'm not going to say no to a new computer, but it's really not the point. His actual words when I mentioned the computer were "Well, I spend all kinds of money on Eric and Emma but none on you, so I'll buy it for you." Yeah, like I never noticed that? This is making me sound like a spoiled brat, but I'm really not talking about the money or the computer. I'm talking about my father taking a vested interest in my life.

Sick days schmick days

Can someone explain why, despite the fact that I've called in sick, I've been doing work from home all day*? I guess I have a strong work ethic.

*Well save for the three hour nap.

Trying to keep the glass half full

Therapy is looking kind of appealing lately. I've been pretty bummed out. I always used to blame my depression on my job. I had a string of bad jobs, my last one in particular. But I'm happy with my current job, so that's not what's causing this. I don't know what is. I think I'm uspet that I don't have a boyfriend but maybe that's not the problem either. I don't know what the fucking problem is.

In an attempt to be positive, 5 good things that happened today:

1. People at work took me out to lunch for my birthday at Atkins Park.
2. I went to a new Trader Joe's that just opened and they gave me a pink balloon.
3. I went to a good pilates class.
4. I did not overeat.
5. I got some random email from this hot kickball guy. Not that I'm interested in the slightest, but it's still cool that a hot guy emailed me to say hi.

Get over it

I don't think my friends realize just how much I still talk to C. I need to get over this. I need to stop secretly thinking that just because there was some drunken hookup the other week, things are going to work out. They're not. I'm not sure why I'm having such a tough time moving on. In the grand scheme of my dating life, he was merely a blip. I deserve better.

I turn 29 tomorrow. It feels old but doesn't. I feel like I'm behind. I was talking to someone I work with who is about to turn 30. She said that she feels the same way. I don't like to think of myself as one of those girls who just wants to get married, but I feel like jeez, I should be in some sort of serious relationship by now. I've really never had a serious relationship. I've dated a lot but tend to freak out several months into it and break it off. 28 was a good year though. Here's to 29 being even better. *Raises imaginary glass*

Blabbermouth

I have a big mouth. I can't help it. I can keep other people's secrets fine but not my own. This is why I'm so shocked that I've told so few of my friends about what happened with C. the other week. I'm still confused about him. I still like him. I tell myself that I don't, but I do. His ex-girlfriend is visiting this weekend. I don't even know how I feel about that. Jealousy, I guess. He and I are not together. It's my fault that I went to his house last week. I invited myself. I know I can't do this. I have to have a relationship. I don't know why I'm letting this turn into a f-buddy type of deal. I haven't talked/emailed/texted him since Wednesday and that in inself feels weird.

"Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures" - The Postal Service

Okay, the above quote is a tad dramatic for a short fling, but whateva'. My blog. Deal.

My soundtrack

I ran five miles yesterday. I wasn't sure what to expect. I haven't run since the marathon save for one horrible mile and a half where it was freezing out and I'd forgotten headphones. I started out and it sucked. I got a little panicky. Had I really lost that much of my ability to run in two weeks? By the time I got to Target, which is a little over a mile, I felt better. It was just the same as before. The first mile is always the toughest. I realized that running really does calm me. It gives me time to think. My life gets sort of chaotic and the only time that I really have to myself is when I'm running. I don't know how to explain that. I'm in my apartment by myself a lot. But there are always distractions - tv, the internet, instant messenger, the phone. Sure, when I'm running I listen to music, but it's sort the background to my thoughts.

Speaking of music, I need to find some new stuff. I've been playing with Pandora, which sometimes gives me good suggestions and sometimes not. Some songs I'm loving currently:

Masterfade - Andrew Bird
Begin - Ben Lee
Lover's Spit (Redux) - Broken Social Scene
Sinister in a State of Hope - Loney, Dear

Disordered?

I finally got up the nerve to step on the scale the other day. I hadn't weighed myself since the early weeks of marathon training. I didn't for two reasons. One, I wanted to allow myself to eat if I felt hungry. I didn't want to let a number on the scale possibly effect my training and two, after a while I got scared. But since the marathon is over and my clothes are feeling tight, I realized that it was probably time to see just what that number was. And yes, it was higher. Probably a good 6-7 pounds higher. There are other factors, I'm sure. I maybe gained some muscle and I just started my period but the bottom line is that I've been eating more. And drinking more. I don't like being at this weight. I feel uncomfortable in my clothes; I feel uncomfortable in my skin. So I've been eating and drinking less. The drinking less I can handle. Hopefully that will make a difference. It's the eating less that's problematic. I don't know how to go about it without becoming all fucked up in regards to food. I'm going to bed hungry and dreaming of food. I'm trying to count calories. I don't want this to become an obsession again but at the same time, I sort of do because at least then I was skinny.

I just needed to get that out of my head. I know I'm not fat and I know I probably could use therapy for this too but I want my clothes to fucking fit again.

Writer's Block

In lieu of writing anything remotely interesting, I'll give you a ten things you might not know about me list.

1. My first concert was New Kids on the Block. I was ten. My second concert was Motley Crue. I was eleven. Guess I changed a lot in a year.

2. I haven't eaten red meat or pork (on purpose, I'm sure I've eaten it accidently in something) for probably 14 years.

3. I grew up in a condo where the bedroom windows were on ground level facing a big yard and some trees. The entire time I lived there I was scared that someone was would break in.

4. I played women's rugby in college. I was terrible. Despite the marathon running, I am not particularly sporty.

5. I never picked up smoking although the first time I ever smoked a cigarette, I was eleven.

6. I accidently set the trash can on fire when I was in middle school.

7. I skipped a lot of school in high school but managed to stay on the honor roll.

8. I moved from MD to Atlanta in 2002 for no reason other than I wanted to move.

9. I've been to England, Ireland, Spain, France, Italy and Canada.

10. I cannot touch my toes.

Moral hangover

I think I need to figure some stuff out. I don't know exactly what but I feel like I'm lacking focus lately. I engage in all sorts of behavior that's not healthy. I graviate towards drama. I put too much emphasis on attention. That's my problem. I need too much attention. Why am I like that and how do I overcome it? I confuse physical and emotional affection all the time. Over and over, I confuse it. I don't know why I don't learn. It's not the same. If someone is paying attention to me physically, it's not the same as emotionally.

I don't know what I'm talking about. When I worked at Joe's Crab Shack a million years ago we used to talk about waking up with a moral hangover. I have a moral hangover.

Dear Self,

When you stop dating someone, it is not the wisest idea to have sex with him until 5 am. Just sayin'

How to deal?

I feel like everyone goes through this at some point or another. You're dating a guy. You like him. Something happens, he does something jerky, now you're not dating. But you still like him and you think that maybe you could be friends still at some poin in the future. But your friends now all hate him for being an asshole to you. How do you deal with that?

Drama queen

I tend to be a tad dramatic. I don't know where it comes from. I get really emotional about things and them bam...they pass and I'm fine.

On a workout related note, I've lifted weights for the past two days. I want to try to do a short run but I'm having a problem with my toe. I think ....ewww...I might have to get the toenail removed at the doctor. Such is the life of a marathon runner, I 'spose.

The boy in question, I've emailed him like twelve times today. Okay really two. No one is supposed to know that besides the internet.

I wish Liz Phair didn't sing about my life*

I woke up alarmed
I didn't know where I was at first
Just that I woke up in your arms
And almost immediately I felt sorry
'Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions, and
What ever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who tries to win you over, and
What ever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who makes love cause he's in it, and

I want a boyfriend
I want a boyfriend
I want all that stupid old shit
Like letters and sodas
Letters and sodas

You got up out of bed
You said you had a lot of work to do
But I heard the rest in your head
And almost immediately I felt sorry
'Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions, and

I want a boyfriend
I want a boyfriend
I want all that stupid old shit
Like letters and sodas
Letters and sodas

I can feel it in my bones
I'm gonna spend another year alone
It's fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was seventeen
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was twelve

You almost felt bad
You said that I should call you up but
I knew much better than that
And almost immediately I felt sorry
'Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions

And I can feel it in my bones
I'm gonna spend my whole life alone
It's fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was seventeen
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was twelve

- Liz Phair "Fuck and Run"

* Well, not the part about being twelve. Or seventeen either for that matter.

Crappy ass day

I just texted C to call me when he gets off work. I want to have a conversation about "us" that's conducted entirely while we're sober. I don't think this is working. I like him a lot and I have a great time with him but I think that I want more than he does. I don't think I do, I know I do. He said that he didn't want a commited relationship. I told him from the beginning that I didn't want just a friends with benefits type of thing, but I think that's what this is turning into. I know from past experience that I cannot pretend that I don't want more when I do. I've gotten really hurt by doing that.

This sucks. I've been on the verge of tears all day. I've only known him for two months but we've spent a lot of time together and I really did think that maybe something would come out of this. Maybe not. His ex-girlfriend is coming to visit him in two weeks. Umm, yeah. I think there's still something going on even though he says they're just friends. I can't do this to myself. He treats me well when he's around me and my friends all like him but we're at the point where things need to either evolve or stop and I guess he's not too keen on advancing our relationship now and I understand his reasons for that. But I feel like I'm being lead on.

He texted me that he was still at work but he'd call me. I hate this. I hate confrontation. My voice shakes and I cry. I need to tell him what I think though. I'm not just going to be around for now.

Edited to add - Apparently one of my friends does not like him. She thinks he gives off a weird vibe. I don't know why she thought that was a good idea to tell me that in the midst of my boy-related meltdown, but I just burst into tears.