Disordered thinking, again

I've always been sort of opposed to the idea of a cheat day. That is, a day where you throw all of your common sense about food and nutrition out the window and eat what you want. But maybe it does work. Instead of beating myself up on a somewhat regular basis about not eating 100% perfect all of the time, maybe I should just designate one day out of the week where I can screw up and it'll be okay. Yesterday was my one day. The day started out good. Met up with Adina and Lauren for a five mile run around midtown. The run was fairly hilly but it felt shorter to me than last weeks. Perhaps because I know the area or perhaps because I got a good amount of sleep on Friday night. After our run, I went home, took a shower and got ready to play kickball. There was a pick up game in Hammond Park. It was eh. Kickball is cliquey. Sometimes I feel like I'm in high school. I've found, however, if I sort of ignore the more "popular" cocky people, there are a lot of cool people out there. In any event, I brought two of my friends (umm, what's the chance they read this? Pretty much nil, right? Cause I'm about to be a bitch.) and they sucked! One of them just sort of lacked athletic ability which I can't say much about considering my own kickball skills (I did get someone out though on 2nd base!) but the other one, I don't know what the deal was. He was actually more athletically inclined, but did not grasp the rules of the game at all. Have you never seen a baseball game? It was just really, really weird. I was embarrased for him and somewhat for myself. So, I guess they were too because they left and after that, we played one more game and everyone got sort of tired.

I promise this is going to eventually be about dieting and cheat days, here it comes:

We went to this bar afterwards, Charlie Mopps. Nothing on their menu was remotely healthy, so I just had a beer. That's my problem, I don't order anything and then I pick off other people's plates. So I picked at some fried green beans, some chips and salsa and some tator tots. At this point, I'm kind of annoyed at myself, but not too bad. I went home and was sort of bored and Chris called and we ended up going out to dinner. Mind you, I wasn't that hungry. Even so, I proceed to eat beefstake tomatoes with goat cheese, salmon tartare and clams in a butter sauce (we shared all of these) and a crapload of bread. (I know, I know, I shouldn't really be going out to eat with Chris anyway, but that's not the point of my story. The point, my friends, is the shit load of food that I ate.) I went home after that and called it a night.

I woke up this morning feeling bloated and guilty. I pulled out my diet books. I don't know what to do. Either give myself permission to have a cheat day or feel guilty all the time. It's fucked up, but a lot of times I wish that I still had the willpower that I used to have. I could ignore the bread basket, I could not pick at Terry's tator tots until she took them away from me. But I also was thisclose to having an eating disorder. I don't know which is worse. Not eating or stuffing myself full of crap until my pants don't fit.

I think that I'm always going to have issues with food. I don't know if it ever goes away and I'm scared that if I didn't have an issue, that I'd gain weight.