ADD

I always get a little bit panicky in the midst of my excitement when I go home to Maryland. I worry about my appearance. Are people going to notice that I've gained weight? None of my friends here say they can tell but they see me all the time. I'm different than I was when I lived there. My friends are different too but it's a different sort of different. They've moved to the suburbs and have kids and lawns. I've learned to put on makeup and flirt with boys at bars. My differences from my friends are pretty evident, but what makes me uncomfortable is how evident my differences from my younger self are to them. I don't want things to be called out. I want to pretend that I was always skinny, that I was always stylish, that I was always social. Sometimes going home reminds me that I wasn't. When I was best friends with all of these girls (and guys) I was a chubby girl with eyebrows that were in desperate need of plucking who wore sneakers everyday (but not to work out cause I didn't do that.) I wasn't a girl who ran a marathon, I wasn't a girl who was obsessed with not gaining weight, I wasn't a girl that lived on her own in a city 500 miles away and managed to do just fine.

I need to pack. I hate packing. I manage to do everything else in the world but pack. I lack focus.

Pack a bra in your ho bag and other things I learned this weekend.

1. When hiking up a mountain for three hours, it's wise to bring a water bottle.
2. CVS does not sell flour. Walgreen's does. Walgreen's also sells Wal-profin and Wal-dryl.
3. Friends aren't supposed to take baths together. Especially in tepid water with two rubber duckies floating around.
4. Our kickball team should be renamed "Michael does not have a small penis." (Note, this is hearsay and I did not actually see the penis in question nor would I want to.)
5. Even though Lexapro and Celexa are similar, they are not interchangable and one shouldn't take the other instead unless one wants to be extremely jittery at 5 am.
6. You can buy earrings from the woman next to you at a dive bar in Little 5. Or rather, make your friend buy them for you.
7. One of your friends doesn't like another one. (I found this out today and am rather confused)
8. When packing your "ho bag" as my friend Danny likes to call it, it is wise to put a bra in it especially if you happened to be wearing an unsupportive strapless bra all weekend. Also wise to put deodorant in it too, unless you like to smell like a boy.
9. The food at some random chinese restaurant OTP is rather greasy and gross. Also, if you eat it too fast, you'll burn your mouth.
10. It is impossible to find boiled crawfish in Atlanta. It is possible, however to find a good veggie burger and enjoy it while drinking a white peach mimosa and reading from a deck of trivial pursuit cards that you brought yourself.

Yeah, that was my weekend. Makes no sense to anyone reading this. I promise a much more understandable post soon.

Without even realizing it...

I went to the gym and/or ran outside for seven days in a row! I was hoping that this sudden burst of energy that I've been experiencing was from exercising. But wait, in order for that to happen, I'd have to actually have had a sudden burst of energy. Not the case. I've been extremely tired all week. Am I working out too much? Is it my diet? I've been eating relatively well save for Sangria Sunday. Speaking of which, I had it in my head that sangria was a "healthier" drink. I thought it was wine and fruit and wine is relatively lo-cal, right? Umm, yeah no. Wine, fruit and a bunch of other liquor. Maybe that's why it snuck up on me and knocked me on my ass. Or rather, knocked my glass on my white skirt. Upon further investigation, sangria has as many calories as any other fruity drink. Ugh. In this case, ignorance was bliss. I won't be doing that again.

Umm, maybe I wouldn't be so tired if I went to sleep at a normal hour and not after midnight.

Therapy Part 1

I didn't know what to expect when I went to the therpist's office last week at lunch. What I didn't expect was to see a bible in the waiting room along with a radio station playing Christian music. The therapist herself was nice enough and part of me feels like I'm contradicting the whole idea that I'm an "open minded" person, because I would consider not going to this woman because she's religious. But the thing is, it's not because she's religious, I have no problem with that, it's when people bring their religious (and in my opinion personal) views into the workplace. I see it as unprofessional. So I've been wavering back and forth and whether or not I want a second appointment with her and I just realized something that sealed the deal - she's a psychologist, not a psychiatrist. I got the two of them confused. I need someone who has the ability to prescribe medicine - especially since my primary care physician is no longer on my insurance plan. So, off to find another therapist.

In case anyone was wondering, $10 bottomless pitchers of sangria is not a good idea. Especially when it leads to me making out with my friend D who is gay and telling my friend A from work that he wears the same shirt to work all the time and who knows what else. (That second part is true and the first part has happened before. Apparently I'm the only girl that he likes to kiss.) Eh, at least my life isn't boring, I guess.

Can't find the words

My friend's dad died today. I hadn't talked to him since Thanksgiving. I knew the situation was grave but I guess I didn't know how grave. As soon as I found out, I called him. I just didn't know what to say. His voice sounded small and sad. I consider myself very lucky. I have a lot of friends who've had a parent (or both) pass away. What do you do for your friends? I mean, he lives 500 miles away. I can't go to the funeral. Do I send a card, flowers, what? He was grateful that I called; I could hear it in his voice even though I didn't have much to say. He is one of my best friends even though we don't talk that often. I'll see him when I'm in MD for Memorial Day but I still don't know what to say.

A year goes by so quickly

There was envelope shoved into my door when I got home yesterday. I've been living here for nearly a year; it's time to renew my lease if I want. I can't believe it's already been ten months. I remember moving in. Eric helped me move because Jamie was "busy." We got a flat tire at got stuck at GA State and were starving and the only thing around was McDonalds. My cell phone was about to die and everyone in the world was calling to tell me good luck with the move. That was almost a year ago. I was nervous at first. Nervous that I didn't have enough furniture. Nervous that I wouldn't be able to afford my bills. Most of all, nervous to be alone. Some people talk about loving living by themselves. They covet that alone time. I am not one of those people. But it's not all bad. I can do what I want, make as much noise as I please, leave the air turned off until mid August because I'm just not hot, and be as messy as I want. I'm not very different than I was a year ago. I have more friends and a new job, but I'm still the same. I wonder what will change in the next year.

So, yeah, I'm renewing my lease.

Lonely

I have come to realize that I have some major issues being alone. At the end of the night, I do not like to go home by myself. I won't go home with someone else or bring someone home that I don't know, but I will try to get my friends to sleep over, especially if they're guys. It's not a sexual thing, I don't know what it is. I know that I should "work" on getting over this; I should "work" on being okay with being alone but I don't want to. I just don't want to be alone. And how do you even work to fix something like that? I know how to fix physical things. I know that if I want to lose ten pounds, I need to stop drinking as much. I know that if I want to run a race, I need to find a training plan and stick to it. But when what you want to change (even though I don't want to change it really) is mental, I just draw a blank.

Note to self

When people think that there is something going on with you and someone you work with, it really adds fuel to the fire when he sleeps in your bed.

(People are wrong; there is nothing going on)