ADD

I always get a little bit panicky in the midst of my excitement when I go home to Maryland. I worry about my appearance. Are people going to notice that I've gained weight? None of my friends here say they can tell but they see me all the time. I'm different than I was when I lived there. My friends are different too but it's a different sort of different. They've moved to the suburbs and have kids and lawns. I've learned to put on makeup and flirt with boys at bars. My differences from my friends are pretty evident, but what makes me uncomfortable is how evident my differences from my younger self are to them. I don't want things to be called out. I want to pretend that I was always skinny, that I was always stylish, that I was always social. Sometimes going home reminds me that I wasn't. When I was best friends with all of these girls (and guys) I was a chubby girl with eyebrows that were in desperate need of plucking who wore sneakers everyday (but not to work out cause I didn't do that.) I wasn't a girl who ran a marathon, I wasn't a girl who was obsessed with not gaining weight, I wasn't a girl that lived on her own in a city 500 miles away and managed to do just fine.

I need to pack. I hate packing. I manage to do everything else in the world but pack. I lack focus.