E & E

My brother and sister are ten and twelve years younger than me respectively. For a very long time, we didn't have much in common. When I was skipping class and worrying about the prom and getting into college, they were learning long division and losing teeth. When I was living on my own finally and working two jobs to pay for it, they were getting acne and braces. Now we finally, maybe are in the same place in life. My sister is still in high school but at least we can talk about things (boys, primarily, the drama that never goes away even when you get older.) I just wish we were closer. I don't know if we aren't because of the age difference or because I didn't grow up in the same house as them. Being the older one, I feel like it's my duty to forge a tighter bond with them, but they have to help be a part of it. I talked to my brother last night about him coming to visit me sometime this summer. I'd like for my sister to come too. In ten years, we'll all be on the same page in life. I want my kids (if I have kids) to know their Uncle and Aunt.

I just re-read what I wrote and realized that I didn't mention that they are my half-brother and half-sister. I never refer to them as that.

Liar, Liar

I've been downright shady lately. I know my friends don't approve of me even being friends with him anymore so instead of either, 1, listening to them because they're totally right or 2, just saying it's my life, I'll do what I want, I'm being sneaky and shady. I tell half the story. Yeah, it's true that he is one of our clients at work and I am directly involved with something that they're doing with us, but it's not the whole story. I didn't have to have a friendly banter over email that I initiated. I could of kept it businesslike. But I didn't. And so I lie. Or not really lie, but omit. And if you're not telling the whole story, are you telling a lie?

I'm embarrased but I need to get this out. I feel like people are going to think that I really am that insecure, that I really don't care about myself. And maybe I am, maybe I don't.

I feel like a dissapointment.

The woes of blogging

I used to update this thing regularly. I have nothing to say. I don't want my blog to fade into oblivion but I don't want to fill out dumb surveys that no one cares about. Here's the thing about having a non-anonymous blog, I feel like I can't always write everything I feel like I want to because some people (albeit, not many) know me in real life. I feel like there are a ton of things that I keep secret and can't even bring myself to admit them here due to fear of judgement. Not that I think my friends would judge me, but I feel like I don't necessarily need to reveal some parts of myself to my friends although I wouldn't have a problem revealing it anonymously to strangers. I don't know if this makes any sense. I'm not good at keeping things to myself. I did something dumb last weekend and I haven't told anyone. Not super stupid, but not super bright either.

Anyway, that aside. Sean called me last night from Kuwait. We're going to Dewey Beach in two weeks. (I've sworn off beer for these two weeks as to hopefully magically lose the beer tummy- well aside from my pool party next weekend). I miss him. I do for real but I know that sometimes I use him as my back up guy. I don't nearly miss him as much when I'm dating someone; when I'm not, I think about him all the time. Is this healthy?

On the workout front, did Pilates twice this week. I'm on week 2 of my two month twice a week pilates challenge that Emily (who wears a size 0 with no effort) swears will change my life. We shall see.

I like to survey, survey (to the tune of I like to move it, move it which is in my head).

1. You hung out with?
Emily, Adina and Erin.

2. last person you texted?
Sean in Kuwait. Lord knows how much that's going to cost me.

3. You were in a car with?
Julia from work.

4. Went to the movies with?
Jamie and Dave - we saw Knocked Up last weekend. Now my period is late (as it usually is) and I'm freaked out. Thanks Judd Aptaw.

5. Went to the mall with??
My mommy?

6. You talked to on the phone?
Fucking Comcast because my cable was out AGAIN.

7. Made you laugh?
Probably someone at work.

8. You hugged?
Dunno.

9. You cried with?
I haven't cried with someone in a long time.

WOULD YOU RATHER...

2. Be serious or be funny?::
Both

4. Die in a fire or get shot?::
Shot, it'd be quicker.

1. Sun or moon?::
moom

2. Winter or Fall?::
fall

3. Left or right?::
Left

4. Sunny or rainy?::
I like the rain

6. Where do you live?
Hotlanta baby.

8. Do you want to get married?
Someday

9. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?:
I gues twirl. I don't eat much spaghetti.

10. Do You Cook?
Sort of

IN THE LAST 72 HOURS HAVE YOU...

1. Kissed someone?
no

2. Sang?:
yes

3. Been hugged?:
no

4. Cried?:
yes

5. Like someone you can't have?:
no

6. Got scared?
nah

Torn

I'm torn. And for once it's not anything hugely emotional. I'm torn between going to the mall and taking a nap. This is how life should be.

I have a good reason to be tired. I went to a circuit training class today at lunch with my co-worker Julia. Julia's husband is a personal trainer and he has these hour long circuit training classes on Fridays. It's a nice feeling to get a good workout in early in the day on Fridays so I don't have it looming overhead and instead can be torn between mindless things like shopping or napping.

My workouts have been good lately. My eating has been meh. I'm definitely doing a lot more strength training and a lot less cardio. I think my body responds well. I mean, I haven't seen any changes yet, but back a few years ago when I lost a lot of weight, I was doing mostly strength training with some cardio interspersed here and there.

I'm not going out tonight. My liver needs time to gear up for the big kickball party tomorrow. I had to email Chris about something related to work* so I asked if he was going to be at the party. I'd rather him not but I just want to know. He said he didn't know; he had some work BBQ during the day. I hpe that I'm going to spend the whole night freaking out that he's going to show up and not enjoy myself. I'm trying to tell myself now not to do that.

* I swear it was work related. Oddly enough, he's one of my company's clients.

It's been a while

I just haven't felt like I've had anything to write. This blog started out as a way for me to talk about my marathon training and it's somehow morphed into a blog that's mostly about my insecurities and dating life. Marathon training consumed so much time for so long that I sort of feel like there's a void in my life. I try to fill that void with other things - friends, boys, parties but none of them help. Maybe I should train for another race. Maybe I should join some sort of running group. My motivation for running has completely waned since the race. I'm lucky if I get in five miles a week. Three months ago, five miles was considered a short run. It's nice in a way, not to have a huge commitment over my head at all times but I feel lost without it. I was talking to my mother recently. She was saying that when I was a baby, I went to sleep every night at eight on the dot. She said that I did well with a schedule. She said I still do. It's true. I'm not spontaneous at all. I like to have my life planned out to the hour. I know it doesn't work like that. I know I can't do that, but I feel more comfortable when things are planned. I feel better knowing that I have to run a certain distance on a certain day than just going to the gym and doing whatever. I don't like whatever.

"Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you are to become who you will be." - Sex and the City.

A survey

In lieu of posting something about my horrible night last night and how Chris and I basically can't be friends anymore, I'll post a survey.

Name 7 things in your bag (or if you're male...wallet/ pocket):
1. wallet
2. cell phone
3. camera
4. keys
5. chap stick
6. random receipts
7. business cards

Name 5 favorite fruits:
1. apples
2. bananas
3. blueberries
4. cherries
5. pineapple

Name 4 names you go by:
1. Lee
2. Lee Lee
3. ?
4. ?

Name 3 things you are wearing right now
1. comfy pants
2. long sleeved shirt
3. umm, nothing else

What are you thinking about right now?
see my introduction to this survey

Where is your phone?
on the counter

Where do you sleep?
my bed!

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
Old Navy

What was the last thing you ate?
salad

What cell phone service do you have?
cingular

What is the closest item near you that is blue?
haha - roach and ant spray

What is the last movie you watched?
the Laramie Project

When did you last feel a tree with your bare hands?
huh?

The Strange Eleven - Eleven odd facts about yourself:

1. When was the last time you shaved your legs?
yesterday

2. What were you doing this morning at 8am?
sleeping

3. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace page?
yes

4. How many different beverages have you drank today?
2 water and diet coke

5. What's one thing you wish to change about yourself.
I wish my self esteem was better

6. What do you wish for?
happiness!!! :)

7. When was the last time you got really hurt?
physically? i haven't really. emotionally, probably yesterday.

8. Any plans for friday night?
not yet. I'm sure something will come up.

9. Something you are excited about?
Braves game on Tuesday afternoon should be way more fun than going to work.

10. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
green

11. Describe your keychains?
it's a Bacardi lanyard that Smash gave me the night before I left for Atlanta 5 years ago.
-----------------------------------------

1. Do you know anyone in prison?
no

3. When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?
Probably within the past month.

5. Have you ever gotten naked at a party?
no

6. Name someone you miss:
Sean

7. Are you named after a grandparent?
Great grandparent.

8. Who loves you?
My friends do. My family too.

9. Have you ever broken a rib?
no

10. Would you rather be a girl or a boy?
I'm cool with being a girl.

11. Who is the most spoiled person you know?
eh

12. Would you rather have a million dollars or true love?
true love

13. Have you ever had sex in church?
no

14. Are you gay?
no

15. Would you rather date someone 2 years younger or older?
it doesn't matter

16. What's your favorite junk food?
pizza?

17. Do you have a porn collection?
nope.

18. Is your birthday on a holiday?
it's the day after 4/20. Does that count?

19. Are you old enough to vote?
Umm, yeah.

20. Do you have any friends or family in the war right now?
No, but Armando was there.

21. Are you a vegetarian?
Sorta. I eat fish.

22. Do you worry about global warming?
Somewhat. I probably should worry more about it.

23. Do you like Polar bears?
They're cute but they'd probably eat me

24. What song do you want played at your funeral?
I don't really care

26. Did or do you think your childhood dreams will come true?
No

28. Are you a country or city girl/boy?
City

29. Are you taller than 5'6?
By a half inch or so