What is wrong with me?

I ate too much dinner. My clothes don't look right. I never dress right. I can't afford anything nice. I'm full. I'm bloated. I think I'm fat. My apartment is too hot. My apartment is too messy. I'm a mess.

This is why I can't just stop taking an anti-depressant.

The elephant in the room

Sean was back in the states for a week. His grandfather passed away. We haven't talked that much, with him being in Kuwait and all, in the past two months. That's how it goes with he and I. I'm interested when I see him and when I don't, I forget. And since I see him about once a year, there are a lot of months that go by where he's in the back of my mind as a friend, but the feelings subside. Last we talked, we talked about us. He said it wouldnt work long distance. At the time, I thought about trying it, thought if it worked, maybe I'd move back to Maryland, thought somehow this was meant to be.

But I don't think it is.

And that's not just because I met someone else. It's because after seven years, it's just not going to work between the two of us.

So, now there's someone new. I am not sure if Sean is aware of it or not. My myspace profile says, "In a relationship", it's there plain as day. I just don't know if he's noticed, and if not, do I tell him?

depressed

How do I get off my ass? Lately I feel so lazy. I just want to get up, go to work and come home and sleep. I force myself to work out usually but sometimes things just seem overwhelming and I just feel so tired. I don't know where my energy went. It's not like I'm eating poorly and treating my body badly, why am I so tired? I guess this is depression rearing it's ugly head again. Classic symptoms. Not wanting to get out of bed. I always think that if something goes right, I'll snap out of this funk. If I have a good job, if I have a boyfriend, if I have an active social life. But the thing is, I have all of those things and I still feel this way. So suddenly it becomes, well if I were skinnier, if I worked out more, if I ate less.

I want to be motivated to run. I want to have dinner parties and have my family visit me and see them more often. I want to go on vacation. I want to have sex more often. I want to stop worrying about money.

These are all very easy goals to achieve. I just don't know how to set everything in motion so instead, I just stew over it all. Over and over.

Financial woes

I have a mini-goal. From today until Thursday, I am not allowed to spend any money. I have enough food to make do in my apartment. I'm taking Jason out to dinner for his birthday on Thursday. The restaurant that I chose is nice but upon perusing the menu (cause I'm weird like that and like to pick out my food way in advance) what I'm going to get is only $10. I want to spend money on him. I want to take him to a nice dinner and pay for it.

Herein lies the problem: with the combination of therapy sessions as $65 a pop (twice a month) and a circuit training class almost weekly at $15, that's an additional $190 that I wasn't spending before. So what gives? I already belong to a gym; circuit training is purely complimentary to my normal routine. Therapy? Is it working? Is it worth it?

I can't live paycheck to paycheck and rack up my credit card bill like this. I've made $14,000 less in my life and been okay, why am I having such a problem now? Plus, I have a doctors appointment on Thursday. Bam $30 down the drain. I think it may be wise to start taking the pill again, more money gone.

Crap.

Saturday

4 miles yesterday. I took advantage of the cooler weather and the fact that we got a half day at work. Cooler weather meaning not around 100. It was probably around 83 or so and there was a breeze. I did one of my typical 4 mile routes. I'll admit it; I walked up some, okay all, of the hills. I know it was mental. I was telling myself that since I haven't been running much, it was okay to walk a little bit. The breeze felt good but the run still wasn't easy. I began to feel more at ease and in the zone around mile 3. And then I started thinking about the zone. It's a place that I get in my mind. I'm still listening to music and still very aware that I'm running but it's almost like my there is a disconnect between my head and my body. Some runners dislike this; they feel like you should be very aware your breathing, your stride, just running in general. I don't feel like that. I don't run to win races. I run to find a place where I can quiet my brain, quiet my stresses and just find my center.

I've been going to a therapist occassionally. Something that we talked about recently was that I don't really have goals for myself. Running races aside, I don't really have a plan for my life. Do I need one? Should I be working towards something? I feel like when I do that, I become so focused on the goal or outcome that I forget to enjoy the ride. Things are good right now and yet I still feel like I'm missing something.

This is possibly the most nonsensical post ever.