Fat

It's not in my mind. I am getting fat. I am not working out enough, I'm eating crap, I'm drinking too much, I'm just being a bum in general. I am not happy about this. It's so hard though. It's like one extreme or another. I'm either super aware and vigilant and borderline eating disordered or I'm a glutton. My boss had a party last night and instead of just having a drink or two, I had more like 8 and then I ate a shitload of food - nuts, cookies and pretzels. I have a boyfriend; it's not like I want to be thin to impress guys. I want to be thin to feel good about myself. I don't feel good when I look at pictures and my face is too round.

I need to run more. I need to eat less. Sometimes I'd rather have an eating disorder than be fat. I've been both. I am not happy either way. Ugh.

4.45

Running is just so much better when it's Saturday afternoon and I'm well rested and it's warm enough outside to still wear shorts and a t-shirt but cool enough that the wind blowing in my face feels good and if my body wasn't warmed up from the running, I'd probably be cold.

It's almost November. I ran my first half marathon two years ago to the day. I have been at my job for almost a year. I have been living in Atlanta for more than five. The time flies by lately. I wonder how many miles I've run in my life. Thousands. And today I'll add 4.45 to that number. Baby steps.

5 good things

1. I ran three times this week. 3 miles, 2 miles and 4 miles. I mean, compared to the 40 miles a week that I was running 6 months ago, it's nothing, but compared to 0 mpw, it's 9x times more.

2. I talked to my sister for almost two hours tonight over AIM.

3. Sunday afternoon naps.

4. Back when I worked at my craptastic job, I used to get so depressed on Sunday nights. The idea of going back to that awful place was just overwhelming. But now, although I'm not eager to go to work by any means, my Sundays are back to being part of the weekend as opposed to an extended prequel to Monday.

5. I feel like I'm in a really good and healthy relationship right now. I haven't felt like this with a guy in a long time.

Back

For a month now, most of the people I know have been making comments about the arrival of fall weather and how it couldn't get here fast enough. Crisp air, pumpkins, scarves. F that, I'd say. I'll stick with my tank tops, flip flops and pool parties, thank you very much.

But then I went running on Sunday afternoon.

It was a short run, 3 miles or so, basically all I can do now easily. I'd forgotten how exhilirating it is to run in the cool weather. No humidity, just the wind in my face. It was probably still in the 70s but it felt good.

I just got back in the game.

ING Half Marathon next March?

To clarify the below post...

I had stopped taking my normal anti-depressant to try a new one. I hated it. HATED IT. I felt weird and antsy and kind of felt like my muscles were tensed up and couldn't relax, especially in my thighs. So I stopped. I stopped taking it and I couldn't reach the doctor. So for about 5 days, I was taking nothing. (This occured probably on a Thursday). When I finally got the doc to write a prescription for my old medicine, it took a while to kick back in.

Now I am feeling normal.

I went running. I'm working out. My mom's coming to visit this weekend. I've got a boyfriend who thinks I'm beautiful. I'll be okay.