26point2wtf?

New blog

2008-02-18T20:26:00.003-05:00

I've decided to start bloging again but I'm going to start anew. The primary purpose of this blog was to track my marathon training. That was almost a year ago. The title of this blog seems irrelevant and sounds stupid and childish anyway.

My primary focus right now is to get back into the best shape that I can be in. So my new blog is going to be less about boys (especially since I have a boyfriend now and I want him to read it if he wants) and more about food, exercise and health. It might be boring, but I think it'll be a helpful way for me to get back on track. I've fallen way off track. I've gained about 15 pounds and while I'm still at a "normal" weight, it's coming close to being overweight and I don't like it.

I want to lift heavier weights. I bought the book The New Rules of Lifting for Women. It encourages lifting heavy and gives a good training plan. I've also been counting calories. I know that can lead to bad places, but right now I think it'll help.

So, here is my new blog - In My Tummy

Come visit!

Busy Bee

2007-12-05T19:09:00.000-05:00

I used to be an avid blogger. Not so much on this site, but a different one. I don't know what's happened in the past few months, but I just haven't felt like writing much. I think part of it has to do with the fact that I don't get online (much) at work. In previous jobs, I was just so bored with the entire internet, that basically all I would do is read other people's blogs and bitch about my life. Now, I only have time to read some blogs and my life isn't all bad.

I've been going to the gym and trying to eat better. I thought of doing weight watchers for a while but think that's not really good for me because I end up eating all sort of processed junk. My body really does respond well to not eating many carbs so I think I'm going to try to go that route again. Not no-carb just no refined carbs, or rather limited refined carbs because I love me some Harry & David's Moose Munch that someone at the office is bound to get in the mail.

Trash TV

2007-11-19T22:28:00.000-05:00

Yes, not only is The Hills on tonight but so is The Real World. Is it sad that this made my week?

I like to think of myself as somewhat intellectual, but I just love the trash TV including:

• The Hills
• The Real World
• America's Next Top Model
• Keeping Up With the Kardashians
• Beauty and the Geek
• What Not To Wear
• Made (I'll have you know this was nominated for an Emmy)
• True Life

Ooh, Trisha's going to put Parisa. Gotta go.

Mysteries of the world

2007-11-13T07:54:00.000-05:00

1. Why I can't touch my toes in Pilates.
2. Why Pilates always makes me want to fart.
3. Why I stopped running and completely lost my ability to run miles and miles.
4. Why my butt suddenly needs it's own zip code

and my favorite

5. Why, after almost a year of taking the exact same route to work, it suddenly takes me 15 minutes longer and everyday I am late. Which means I gotta go, yo.

A weekly recap (if I can remember)

2007-11-11T17:39:00.000-05:00

Monday: pilates class, ate normally
Tuesday: ran for 30 minutes, made a vegetable lasagna
Wednesday: lifted upper body during lunch, played trivia with jason at a mexican restaurant (second place, down from our 2 week winning streak), stayed away from the chips and salsa, did not stay away from the beer. But it was light beer.
Thursday: out to lunch for work. tried to be good. ate two rolls though and a crab fritter that i didn't even like. not good at all. Stuck in an hour and a half traffic jam because the highway patrol was looking for a bank robber. On I-75!!! Starving when I got home, ate some of the lasagna. Met Jason, Jamie and Emily at a bar. Didn't drink too much. Ate a chips and dip appetizer. Dip was healthy, chips were not.
Friday: super stairmaster thingy at the gym for an hour. bought a box of cereal. not a good idea.
Saturday: Threw away said cereal. I cannot have cereal in the house. Ran 3.5 miles outside. Went bowling. Ate pizza. Drank too much.
Sunday: Healthy lunch, no work out.

So, my week was eh. Good on the workout front, not so good on the drinking front.

Roommates?

2007-11-11T10:18:00.000-05:00

I've been fantasizing about dogs. Golden retreivers. I want one. A bundle of love and an excuse to make me more responsible because I have to go home, you know to let the dog out. It sounds perfect. Except that my apartment is literally the size of a closet. A large closet, but a closet nonetheless. Lee, doggie and Lee's mess would not fit.

Jason's lease is up in March. He wants to buy a house. With a yard. For my dog.

And me.

We have these conversations all the time. About our hypothetical future situations. But the living together hypothetical situation might not be so hypothetical. I've never lived with a boyfriend before. It seems like it's too soon. But right now, it's only November and really we wouldn't live together until next August, when my lease is up. How do you live with someone? I've had roommates and the living space is ours but my room has always been mine. Well, except in college but that was different since my idea of decoration amounted to a bunch of Phish and Bob Marley posters so I could pretend that I was all crunchy in an effort to make friends with some people who knew where to get some pot.

Anyhow, I digress.

What I'm trying to get at is would our [hypothetical] house still have all my pictures of friends that he doesn't know? Would it have my books in the same bookshelf as his? Would it have his small NASCAR shrine? (Oh God, how do I know that NASCAR is in all caps???)

It's just a lot to think about. But I could get my dog.

Calm down

2007-11-06T19:13:00.000-05:00

Dear Lee,

You can do this. You know what the problem is. You're in a new relationship. You're going out to eat A LOT. You're drinking more than normally. You're not running as much. You're on the pill. There are four major factors there that are contributing to your weight gain and they are four easy fixes. (Well, three, I'm not risking getting pregnant.) It's easy and you can do it. Crying isn't going to fix anything. It's time to take action.

Love,
Lee

Fat

2007-10-28T20:44:00.000-04:00

It's not in my mind. I am getting fat. I am not working out enough, I'm eating crap, I'm drinking too much, I'm just being a bum in general. I am not happy about this. It's so hard though. It's like one extreme or another. I'm either super aware and vigilant and borderline eating disordered or I'm a glutton. My boss had a party last night and instead of just having a drink or two, I had more like 8 and then I ate a shitload of food - nuts, cookies and pretzels. I have a boyfriend; it's not like I want to be thin to impress guys. I want to be thin to feel good about myself. I don't feel good when I look at pictures and my face is too round.

I need to run more. I need to eat less. Sometimes I'd rather have an eating disorder than be fat. I've been both. I am not happy either way. Ugh.

4.45

2007-10-27T19:39:00.000-04:00

Running is just so much better when it's Saturday afternoon and I'm well rested and it's warm enough outside to still wear shorts and a t-shirt but cool enough that the wind blowing in my face feels good and if my body wasn't warmed up from the running, I'd probably be cold.

It's almost November. I ran my first half marathon two years ago to the day. I have been at my job for almost a year. I have been living in Atlanta for more than five. The time flies by lately. I wonder how many miles I've run in my life. Thousands. And today I'll add 4.45 to that number. Baby steps.

5 good things

2007-10-21T22:24:00.000-04:00

1. I ran three times this week. 3 miles, 2 miles and 4 miles. I mean, compared to the 40 miles a week that I was running 6 months ago, it's nothing, but compared to 0 mpw, it's 9x times more.

2. I talked to my sister for almost two hours tonight over AIM.

3. Sunday afternoon naps.

4. Back when I worked at my craptastic job, I used to get so depressed on Sunday nights. The idea of going back to that awful place was just overwhelming. But now, although I'm not eager to go to work by any means, my Sundays are back to being part of the weekend as opposed to an extended prequel to Monday.

5. I feel like I'm in a really good and healthy relationship right now. I haven't felt like this with a guy in a long time.

Back

2007-10-16T08:01:00.000-04:00

For a month now, most of the people I know have been making comments about the arrival of fall weather and how it couldn't get here fast enough. Crisp air, pumpkins, scarves. F that, I'd say. I'll stick with my tank tops, flip flops and pool parties, thank you very much.

But then I went running on Sunday afternoon.

It was a short run, 3 miles or so, basically all I can do now easily. I'd forgotten how exhilirating it is to run in the cool weather. No humidity, just the wind in my face. It was probably still in the 70s but it felt good.

I just got back in the game.

ING Half Marathon next March?

To clarify the below post...

2007-10-02T19:11:00.000-04:00

I had stopped taking my normal anti-depressant to try a new one. I hated it. HATED IT. I felt weird and antsy and kind of felt like my muscles were tensed up and couldn't relax, especially in my thighs. So I stopped. I stopped taking it and I couldn't reach the doctor. So for about 5 days, I was taking nothing. (This occured probably on a Thursday). When I finally got the doc to write a prescription for my old medicine, it took a while to kick back in.

Now I am feeling normal.

I went running. I'm working out. My mom's coming to visit this weekend. I've got a boyfriend who thinks I'm beautiful. I'll be okay.

What is wrong with me?

2007-09-22T20:31:00.000-04:00

I ate too much dinner. My clothes don't look right. I never dress right. I can't afford anything nice. I'm full. I'm bloated. I think I'm fat. My apartment is too hot. My apartment is too messy. I'm a mess.

This is why I can't just stop taking an anti-depressant.

The elephant in the room

2007-09-10T20:12:00.000-04:00

Sean was back in the states for a week. His grandfather passed away. We haven't talked that much, with him being in Kuwait and all, in the past two months. That's how it goes with he and I. I'm interested when I see him and when I don't, I forget. And since I see him about once a year, there are a lot of months that go by where he's in the back of my mind as a friend, but the feelings subside. Last we talked, we talked about us. He said it wouldnt work long distance. At the time, I thought about trying it, thought if it worked, maybe I'd move back to Maryland, thought somehow this was meant to be.

But I don't think it is.

And that's not just because I met someone else. It's because after seven years, it's just not going to work between the two of us.

So, now there's someone new. I am not sure if Sean is aware of it or not. My myspace profile says, "In a relationship", it's there plain as day. I just don't know if he's noticed, and if not, do I tell him?

depressed

2007-09-09T19:35:00.001-04:00

How do I get off my ass? Lately I feel so lazy. I just want to get up, go to work and come home and sleep. I force myself to work out usually but sometimes things just seem overwhelming and I just feel so tired. I don't know where my energy went. It's not like I'm eating poorly and treating my body badly, why am I so tired? I guess this is depression rearing it's ugly head again. Classic symptoms. Not wanting to get out of bed. I always think that if something goes right, I'll snap out of this funk. If I have a good job, if I have a boyfriend, if I have an active social life. But the thing is, I have all of those things and I still feel this way. So suddenly it becomes, well if I were skinnier, if I worked out more, if I ate less.

I want to be motivated to run. I want to have dinner parties and have my family visit me and see them more often. I want to go on vacation. I want to have sex more often. I want to stop worrying about money.

These are all very easy goals to achieve. I just don't know how to set everything in motion so instead, I just stew over it all. Over and over.

Financial woes

2007-09-03T23:26:00.000-04:00

I have a mini-goal. From today until Thursday, I am not allowed to spend any money. I have enough food to make do in my apartment. I'm taking Jason out to dinner for his birthday on Thursday. The restaurant that I chose is nice but upon perusing the menu (cause I'm weird like that and like to pick out my food way in advance) what I'm going to get is only $10. I want to spend money on him. I want to take him to a nice dinner and pay for it.

Herein lies the problem: with the combination of therapy sessions as $65 a pop (twice a month) and a circuit training class almost weekly at $15, that's an additional $190 that I wasn't spending before. So what gives? I already belong to a gym; circuit training is purely complimentary to my normal routine. Therapy? Is it working? Is it worth it?

I can't live paycheck to paycheck and rack up my credit card bill like this. I've made $14,000 less in my life and been okay, why am I having such a problem now? Plus, I have a doctors appointment on Thursday. Bam $30 down the drain. I think it may be wise to start taking the pill again, more money gone.

Crap.

Saturday

2007-09-01T12:40:00.000-04:00

4 miles yesterday. I took advantage of the cooler weather and the fact that we got a half day at work. Cooler weather meaning not around 100. It was probably around 83 or so and there was a breeze. I did one of my typical 4 mile routes. I'll admit it; I walked up some, okay all, of the hills. I know it was mental. I was telling myself that since I haven't been running much, it was okay to walk a little bit. The breeze felt good but the run still wasn't easy. I began to feel more at ease and in the zone around mile 3. And then I started thinking about the zone. It's a place that I get in my mind. I'm still listening to music and still very aware that I'm running but it's almost like my there is a disconnect between my head and my body. Some runners dislike this; they feel like you should be very aware your breathing, your stride, just running in general. I don't feel like that. I don't run to win races. I run to find a place where I can quiet my brain, quiet my stresses and just find my center.

I've been going to a therapist occassionally. Something that we talked about recently was that I don't really have goals for myself. Running races aside, I don't really have a plan for my life. Do I need one? Should I be working towards something? I feel like when I do that, I become so focused on the goal or outcome that I forget to enjoy the ride. Things are good right now and yet I still feel like I'm missing something.

This is possibly the most nonsensical post ever.

Although I've been slacking with the running...

2007-08-18T13:00:00.001-04:00

I have been doing a lot more strength training. I've been going to a circuit training class that a co-worker's husband (he owns his own personal training studio) teaches on Fridays. He said that he can tell that I've been getting stronger. I hope so. I don't know if it's just the heat, but I still do not feel like running. Last summer, when it was also opressively warm, I just did my runs on the treadmill. I just can't bring myself to do that right now. I still enjoy running outside, so hopefully in a month or so, when it cools off, I can get back into that. I decided not to do the half marathon in October. Training for it was starting to feel like more of a chore than anything else and I don't want running to become a chore. Someone said, "There will always be another race." and that's true. I guess I sort of feel lost without a race looming, without a training plan. Maybe I'll find a nice 10K in October and train for that instead. I don't know. My thoughts about running are so contradictory right now.

I called my mother this morning. We're pretty close but for some reason, I don't like to talk to her about boys. I feel like her ideas are somehow off. I told her about this latest boy a few weeks ago (a few weeks? Have I known him for that long? Weird) and she, of course, asked me about him. I said that we were hanging out after he got off work tonight. She said that I didn't sound that excited. Has my mother ever met me? Do I ever really express excitement about anything? Well, I guess sometimes, but not too often, even if I am. I don't really know where I'm going with this except that I need to learn not to trust my mother's advice about guys. It's old-fashioned.

Speaking of guys, or rather this particular one, the amount of things that he and I have in common is rather bizarre.

Burnt

2007-08-07T18:53:00.001-04:00

I don't know what it is. I just don't feel like running anymore. Sure, sometimes I'll get a few miles into a run and feel okay but the motivation just isn't there. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I want to do this anymore. It's so damn hot out and half the treadmills at the gym are broken and the other half are taken even at nine at night. My new shoes are too bouncy and my old ones have no bounce left. It got up to 99 degrees yesterday. How the hell am I supposed to do a 7 mile run in 99 degree weather? Even if we go at 7 am, it'll still be in the 80s. I've always been good at pushing myself in the past. I'm not sure why it's so hard right now. Maybe running all these races were just me trying to challenge myself and now that I've done it, I feel done. Or maybe I'm just lazy.

Nothing new here

2007-08-03T18:13:00.001-04:00

I ran my three miles yesterday, outside, humidity and all. I really do enjoy running outside so much better. True, there are hills and it's hot as hell, but somehow my mind wanders and I get into a zone that I just can't get into when I'm staring at the seconds going by on the treadmill.

Tomorrow Adina and I are doing six miles again. I think we're going to do the route that we planned for last Saturday which we changed at the last minute. It's a route that I'm very familiar with so that makes it easier.

In very unlike me fashion, I have just turned down a happy hour invitation.

Life isn't always about running

2007-08-01T19:54:00.000-04:00

I started this blog to track my marathon training. I gave it a goofy name and recorded all the trials and tribulations of training for one's first marathon. But, now what? True, I'm training for a half in October, but I just haven't had much of interest to write about regarding running. I'm following a plan that has two shorter runs and one longer run a week combined with some cross training. The runs are short enough on the weekends that there really isn't anything interesting to talk about sometimes. But I feel like this blog should be about running. But I guess life doesn't always do what you think it should.

I have been going to a therapist for a month or so now. We talk about the whole "should" thing a lot. I have a ton of preconcieved notions about what life should be like for me. (And I guess what my blog should talk about, but that's kind of different) I don't know where I get these things; I guess from my friends, from the media, just from the societal norm in general. She sort of hit the nail on the head today when we talked about how I was a little upset because I feel like some of my friends might think I'm somewhat immature. She asked me why that would really bother me. I am not sure. It's related somehow; it's related to not being where I think I should be in life. Maybe it doesn't bother me so much that I'm not where I feel that I should be, but rather that other people might think of me that way. Dunno.

In other news, half of my eyelashes fell off on my right eye. Seriously, what the fuck? I went to put on mascara on Saturday and noticed that a huge chunk of lashes were no longer there. I'm going to the eye doctor next week. So, also I went out with this guy that I met....uhhhh... at the grocery store? (*cough*yahoopersonals*cough) Seems like a cool guy. We're supposed to go out on Saturday night to this super shady underground club that I secretly, or really not so secretly, like. People keep asking me why I'd go on a date there, but hey, that's me.

Instead of not writing about running, maybe I should actually go running. Now there's a novel idea.

Found motivation?

2007-07-27T19:11:00.001-04:00

My last post was a result of me trying to look cute for dinner last night and not finding anything remotely flattering in my closet. I think part of that problem is that I really haven't bought very many new clothes in the past year. Maybe some of the clothes that are just a tad tight are from when I was really skinny. I need to find a way to be comfortable in my skin. I'm not comfortable no matter what I weigh. I always think that if I'm just a little bit smaller, I'll feel just a little bit better. But I don't. I felt the exact same way when I was 15 pounds lighter. I do admit, I feel better now though than I did when I was 15 pounds heavier. Realistically, I'm happy when my weight is... okay, I'll say, between about 140-143. Right now I'm more like 147-149. It's just a few pounds, but it makes a difference in the way I feel.

Anyway, Erin and I decided to make a plan. We're making a google spreadsheet that has our goals for now through September 8th. September 8th is the DMB concert in the park. If we meet our goals, both of us, we get to buy a new outfit for the concert. The goals are for me to fit into a pair of work pants that are just a tad tight and her to fit into some jeans that are too tight. We have decided to go about it the following way: We will
1. Not weigh ourselves.
2. Go to the gym 5x a week
3. Not eat fried food
4. Not eat sweets
5. Be healthy for the most part and try to limit alcohol
6. Have one day where we can cheat a little but we don't have to

There's a 7th one but I forget it. I did well today though. We had Mexican for Luis' wedding shower lunch and I ordered the healthiest thing that I could find -shrimp fajitas. It's pretty normal for me to seek out the healthiest item on the menu and order that but what I am proud of, and if you know me, this is huge, i didn't eat a single chip!!! I am a huge chips and salsa fiend. It's really mainly the salsa; the chip is just the vehicle. I just put the salsa on the fajitas and that was good.

And I finally did my second 3 mile run of the week.

Melt off already

2007-07-26T19:40:00.000-04:00

I was under the impression that if I cut down on my drinking, the excess 10 pounds would just fly off. Umm, no, still here. I'm so fucking sick of people telling me that I haven't gained weight. I HAVE. It's my fault and I can fix it, but I am larger than I've been in a long time. My clothes, while they still technically fit, are uncomfortable and I feel like I'm busting out of them. Maybe I should join Weight Watchers? I don't know. Something needs to be done. My self esteem is going down the toilet.

Tummyache

2007-07-23T20:59:00.000-04:00

I was really, intentionally going to go to the gym tonight. Got home from work, ate a relatively healthy dinner, laid on the couch for a while. And then went to the bathroom. And didn't get off the toilet for an hour. I don't know what the deal is but my stomach freakin' hurts. It might be period related, but lately the ol' tum-tum has been hurting a lot. I have always had stomach issues, but they're so on-again/off-again, that I've never really figured out what is actually wrong. It could be stress; I was a bit stressed out today at work. Like I said, it could be cramps. I could be something I ate, but I didn't really eat anything weird. My mom wants me to get tested for celiac disease. I don't think it's that. I didn't even eat any wheat products today. At least I have a valid excuse for not going to the gym. I guess I'll do my runs (no pun intended) tomorrow and Thursday instead of today and Wednesday.

Disordered thinking, again

2007-07-22T11:15:00.001-04:00

I've always been sort of opposed to the idea of a cheat day. That is, a day where you throw all of your common sense about food and nutrition out the window and eat what you want. But maybe it does work. Instead of beating myself up on a somewhat regular basis about not eating 100% perfect all of the time, maybe I should just designate one day out of the week where I can screw up and it'll be okay. Yesterday was my one day. The day started out good. Met up with Adina and Lauren for a five mile run around midtown. The run was fairly hilly but it felt shorter to me than last weeks. Perhaps because I know the area or perhaps because I got a good amount of sleep on Friday night. After our run, I went home, took a shower and got ready to play kickball. There was a pick up game in Hammond Park. It was eh. Kickball is cliquey. Sometimes I feel like I'm in high school. I've found, however, if I sort of ignore the more "popular" cocky people, there are a lot of cool people out there. In any event, I brought two of my friends (umm, what's the chance they read this? Pretty much nil, right? Cause I'm about to be a bitch.) and they sucked! One of them just sort of lacked athletic ability which I can't say much about considering my own kickball skills (I did get someone out though on 2nd base!) but the other one, I don't know what the deal was. He was actually more athletically inclined, but did not grasp the rules of the game at all. Have you never seen a baseball game? It was just really, really weird. I was embarrased for him and somewhat for myself. So, I guess they were too because they left and after that, we played one more game and everyone got sort of tired.

I promise this is going to eventually be about dieting and cheat days, here it comes:

We went to this bar afterwards, Charlie Mopps. Nothing on their menu was remotely healthy, so I just had a beer. That's my problem, I don't order anything and then I pick off other people's plates. So I picked at some fried green beans, some chips and salsa and some tator tots. At this point, I'm kind of annoyed at myself, but not too bad. I went home and was sort of bored and Chris called and we ended up going out to dinner. Mind you, I wasn't that hungry. Even so, I proceed to eat beefstake tomatoes with goat cheese, salmon tartare and clams in a butter sauce (we shared all of these) and a crapload of bread. (I know, I know, I shouldn't really be going out to eat with Chris anyway, but that's not the point of my story. The point, my friends, is the shit load of food that I ate.) I went home after that and called it a night.

I woke up this morning feeling bloated and guilty. I pulled out my diet books. I don't know what to do. Either give myself permission to have a cheat day or feel guilty all the time. It's fucked up, but a lot of times I wish that I still had the willpower that I used to have. I could ignore the bread basket, I could not pick at Terry's tator tots until she took them away from me. But I also was thisclose to having an eating disorder. I don't know which is worse. Not eating or stuffing myself full of crap until my pants don't fit.

I think that I'm always going to have issues with food. I don't know if it ever goes away and I'm scared that if I didn't have an issue, that I'd gain weight.

I like that shirt

2007-07-20T21:00:00.000-04:00

Oh no, the person on What not to Wear is wearing a shirt that I own. I mean before she gets the makeover. In my defense, I don't wear it often.

Speaking of clothes, I haven't bought anything that's not workout related in a really long time. Maybe it's because for the past two years I've worked in a business casual environment and just haven't had the need for so many jeans and t-shirts. But lately I haven't even bought work clothes.

I know what's fashionable. I know that I can pull off most styles. So why don't I? A part of it has to do with not having much money but I think a bigger part is that I'm unfomforable in my own skin. I can blame it on gaining weight lately, but I was uncomfortable in my skin when I was tiny. I don't know how to be comfortable. Wearing workout attire for the entire weekend doesn't help though.

But that shirt is cute.

Quack?

2007-07-18T22:04:00.000-04:00

After looking at my latest race pictures, I've come to the conclusion that I have very bad form. Truth be told, I run like a duck. I turn my feet outwards. I thought about it while I was running tonight (3 miles in fucking rainforest humidity, bitches) and looked down and lo and behold, there were the duck feet. I don't think that I walk like this, why do I have such bad form when I run? And is it really bad to run like that? I tried to make my feet straighter and that felt harder and unnatural. How important is it to have good form? And how do I get it? I've been very lucky in the fact that aside from a self-diagnosed, on again/off again IT band syndrome, I've run a lot of miles relatively injury free.

I'm on the Team in Training mailing list apparently. It appeals to me somewhat. Mostly the idea of having a group of people to motivate me. I'm not half bad at motivating myself, but the half that's not bad isn't exactly good. Pretty much the only reason that I did my long run on Saturday morning was because I'd made plans to do it and weaseling my way out of them made me feel guilty. The thing about TIT (wait, that can't be right - TNT?) is that I don't think I want to do a full marathon right now and all of the halfs are about a month after the Silver Comet. Plus, there's that raising money thing.

I'm tired. This duck needs to go back to her nest. Umm, pond? Where do ducks sleep?

Where's my motivation?

2007-07-17T21:59:00.000-04:00

I fell asleep after work. After finally dragging myself out of my bed and putting on my gym clothes, I got in my car and drove. To Target. I just was not feeling the gym. I need to change my training schedule. It's not working for me to try to fit in two Pilates classes, a circuit training class, two short runs and a long run. It's too much and unfortunately, what's being dropped is usually one of the shorter runs. I can't train for a half marathon and only run two days a week. Sure, it's early now and I am capable of running the long runs without much training, but later on in the program, I am going to need to up my mileage.

Maybe I need to do it in the morning. I know that I hate morning work outs with a passion but maybe I can learn to like them. Or at least learn to live with them. If I ignore a morning workout, at least I have two other times in the day to get it in - lunch and after work whereas if I ignore and after work workout, I'm kind of screwed for the day.

I don't know why I'm so unmotivated.

The Waiting Game

2007-07-15T18:00:00.000-04:00

It's been going on for six or seven years now. Sean and my psuedo-dating, fuck buddy, best friend, whatever you want to call it relationship. What's changed? Why suddenly am I almost willing to move back to Maryland to see if this would work out? Maybe because I know that's not an option right now. He's in Kuwait for a year. I have a year lease anyway. I have a job, a life in Atlanta and suddenly I'm willing to risk it all for something that may or may not work out. It's a moot point anyway. He's too far away. We both agreed that one of us is just going to end up getting hurt if we try to start something that's so long distance. So now we just wait, I guess. Maybe these feelings are stronger now because I just saw him and had a great time. Or maybe they're stronger because they actually are. A part of me feels like this has been going on for so long that maybe it's meant to be. Maybe there's a reason that neither of us have really had a serious relationship in that time; that almost every time we see each other, it's like we never were apart. Maybe the love of my life is staring me in the face and I never even realized it. Or maybe not. Maybe the reason things have never progressed beyond the psuedo-dating, fuck buddy, best friend phase is because they never will. Maybe the only reason I'm willing to risk it now is because I know I can't.

And so I go on with my life. But still I wait.

Back in the game

2007-07-15T07:58:00.000-04:00

I woke up yesterday morning and texted Adina that I didn't want to go run. But then the guilt set in and I convinced myself to get up. At this point, Adina was not answering her phone. I got dressed and went to her apartment anyway, thinking if she wasn't there, I'd just drive to Lauren's by myself. I got there as she was leaving. I saw a car literally about to speed away and even though I wasn't sure if it was her, I laid on the horn. It was, she stopped and we were on our way. Lauren lives far! We got there after stopping at QT for some Propel and were on our way. Our run consisted of a 5 mile loop basically around Lauren's neighborhood. It was very interesting. We managed to get chased by no fewer than six dogs and have a man in a pick up truck yell to us, "They aint nothing but pets." Ummm, yeah what does that mean? Pets can still bite plus I hate the word aint. We also saw horses, cows and a dead snake and a dead rabbit. I think it was a combination of things, but I basically felt like my legs wouldn't move. Could be that I did a circuit training class the day before, could be that I had gone out the night before, could be that my Ipod batteries were dead and this is by far the longest run that I've ever done without music! We made it though and in decent time given that we had to walk for a bit when a dog decided that he wanted to join us.

It felt good to get back into it though.

Finally, a post about running. Sorta.

2007-07-03T23:08:00.000-04:00

I'm running the Peachtree tomorrow. I got a number from Lauren. (I'd link her blog, but Safari doesn't let you do that in which case I'd have to switch to Firefox and I'm lazy). I was excited about it today. People at work were talking about it. Two other people that I work with are doing it. Jamie's doing it. Erin's doing it. Eric and Amy are doing it. So I was excited. My triumphant return to running, right? Umm, not really. I called Erin to see what the plan was. She's in time group 9. I'm in 8. I could, if I wanted, run with 9 but she really didn't seem into it. She's going with her boyfriend. I called Jamie. He's in my time group. He was non-chalant. I really think he was nervous and trying to play non-chalant. I finally convinced him to at least meet me at the MARTA because God forbid I'd actually run the thing with him. I understand it, somewhat, not wanting to run with anyone else. But jeez, we can't start together? And then there's the question of the after party. I want to go. No one else does. Erin's going tubing. Jamie suddenly has set hours for beer consumption and Eric and Amy are going to a friend's house. It's not the actual drinking that I want to do, it's the party - I just ran a race and even though I'm hot and sweaty, I'm pretty damn cool and so are all of you- atmosphere. Lisa from work is going. Worst comes to worst, I can meet up with her there for a while. It's just the whole thing that I don't have anyone to do things with. I used to at least have Jamie. Now I don't even have him. I'm just annoyed.

Yep, that's not about running at all. Maybe I'll have a real race report tomorrow though.

E & E

2007-06-30T08:28:00.000-04:00

My brother and sister are ten and twelve years younger than me respectively. For a very long time, we didn't have much in common. When I was skipping class and worrying about the prom and getting into college, they were learning long division and losing teeth. When I was living on my own finally and working two jobs to pay for it, they were getting acne and braces. Now we finally, maybe are in the same place in life. My sister is still in high school but at least we can talk about things (boys, primarily, the drama that never goes away even when you get older.) I just wish we were closer. I don't know if we aren't because of the age difference or because I didn't grow up in the same house as them. Being the older one, I feel like it's my duty to forge a tighter bond with them, but they have to help be a part of it. I talked to my brother last night about him coming to visit me sometime this summer. I'd like for my sister to come too. In ten years, we'll all be on the same page in life. I want my kids (if I have kids) to know their Uncle and Aunt.

I just re-read what I wrote and realized that I didn't mention that they are my half-brother and half-sister. I never refer to them as that.

Liar, Liar

2007-06-28T22:56:00.000-04:00

I've been downright shady lately. I know my friends don't approve of me even being friends with him anymore so instead of either, 1, listening to them because they're totally right or 2, just saying it's my life, I'll do what I want, I'm being sneaky and shady. I tell half the story. Yeah, it's true that he is one of our clients at work and I am directly involved with something that they're doing with us, but it's not the whole story. I didn't have to have a friendly banter over email that I initiated. I could of kept it businesslike. But I didn't. And so I lie. Or not really lie, but omit. And if you're not telling the whole story, are you telling a lie?

I'm embarrased but I need to get this out. I feel like people are going to think that I really am that insecure, that I really don't care about myself. And maybe I am, maybe I don't.

I feel like a dissapointment.

The woes of blogging

2007-06-22T17:49:00.000-04:00

I used to update this thing regularly. I have nothing to say. I don't want my blog to fade into oblivion but I don't want to fill out dumb surveys that no one cares about. Here's the thing about having a non-anonymous blog, I feel like I can't always write everything I feel like I want to because some people (albeit, not many) know me in real life. I feel like there are a ton of things that I keep secret and can't even bring myself to admit them here due to fear of judgement. Not that I think my friends would judge me, but I feel like I don't necessarily need to reveal some parts of myself to my friends although I wouldn't have a problem revealing it anonymously to strangers. I don't know if this makes any sense. I'm not good at keeping things to myself. I did something dumb last weekend and I haven't told anyone. Not super stupid, but not super bright either.

Anyway, that aside. Sean called me last night from Kuwait. We're going to Dewey Beach in two weeks. (I've sworn off beer for these two weeks as to hopefully magically lose the beer tummy- well aside from my pool party next weekend). I miss him. I do for real but I know that sometimes I use him as my back up guy. I don't nearly miss him as much when I'm dating someone; when I'm not, I think about him all the time. Is this healthy?

On the workout front, did Pilates twice this week. I'm on week 2 of my two month twice a week pilates challenge that Emily (who wears a size 0 with no effort) swears will change my life. We shall see.

I like to survey, survey (to the tune of I like to move it, move it which is in my head).

2007-06-16T08:07:00.000-04:00

1. You hung out with?
Emily, Adina and Erin.

2. last person you texted?
Sean in Kuwait. Lord knows how much that's going to cost me.

3. You were in a car with?
Julia from work.

4. Went to the movies with?
Jamie and Dave - we saw Knocked Up last weekend. Now my period is late (as it usually is) and I'm freaked out. Thanks Judd Aptaw.

5. Went to the mall with??
My mommy?

6. You talked to on the phone?
Fucking Comcast because my cable was out AGAIN.

7. Made you laugh?
Probably someone at work.

8. You hugged?
Dunno.

9. You cried with?
I haven't cried with someone in a long time.

WOULD YOU RATHER...

2. Be serious or be funny?::
Both

4. Die in a fire or get shot?::
Shot, it'd be quicker.

1. Sun or moon?::
moom

2. Winter or Fall?::
fall

3. Left or right?::
Left

4. Sunny or rainy?::
I like the rain

6. Where do you live?
Hotlanta baby.

8. Do you want to get married?
Someday

9. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?:
I gues twirl. I don't eat much spaghetti.

10. Do You Cook?
Sort of

IN THE LAST 72 HOURS HAVE YOU...

1. Kissed someone?
no

2. Sang?:
yes

3. Been hugged?:
no

4. Cried?:
yes

5. Like someone you can't have?:
no

6. Got scared?
nah

Torn

2007-06-15T18:06:00.000-04:00

I'm torn. And for once it's not anything hugely emotional. I'm torn between going to the mall and taking a nap. This is how life should be.

I have a good reason to be tired. I went to a circuit training class today at lunch with my co-worker Julia. Julia's husband is a personal trainer and he has these hour long circuit training classes on Fridays. It's a nice feeling to get a good workout in early in the day on Fridays so I don't have it looming overhead and instead can be torn between mindless things like shopping or napping.

My workouts have been good lately. My eating has been meh. I'm definitely doing a lot more strength training and a lot less cardio. I think my body responds well. I mean, I haven't seen any changes yet, but back a few years ago when I lost a lot of weight, I was doing mostly strength training with some cardio interspersed here and there.

I'm not going out tonight. My liver needs time to gear up for the big kickball party tomorrow. I had to email Chris about something related to work* so I asked if he was going to be at the party. I'd rather him not but I just want to know. He said he didn't know; he had some work BBQ during the day. I hpe that I'm going to spend the whole night freaking out that he's going to show up and not enjoy myself. I'm trying to tell myself now not to do that.

* I swear it was work related. Oddly enough, he's one of my company's clients.

It's been a while

2007-06-10T22:44:00.001-04:00

I just haven't felt like I've had anything to write. This blog started out as a way for me to talk about my marathon training and it's somehow morphed into a blog that's mostly about my insecurities and dating life. Marathon training consumed so much time for so long that I sort of feel like there's a void in my life. I try to fill that void with other things - friends, boys, parties but none of them help. Maybe I should train for another race. Maybe I should join some sort of running group. My motivation for running has completely waned since the race. I'm lucky if I get in five miles a week. Three months ago, five miles was considered a short run. It's nice in a way, not to have a huge commitment over my head at all times but I feel lost without it. I was talking to my mother recently. She was saying that when I was a baby, I went to sleep every night at eight on the dot. She said that I did well with a schedule. She said I still do. It's true. I'm not spontaneous at all. I like to have my life planned out to the hour. I know it doesn't work like that. I know I can't do that, but I feel more comfortable when things are planned. I feel better knowing that I have to run a certain distance on a certain day than just going to the gym and doing whatever. I don't like whatever.

"Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you are to become who you will be." - Sex and the City.

A survey

2007-06-03T21:52:00.001-04:00

In lieu of posting something about my horrible night last night and how Chris and I basically can't be friends anymore, I'll post a survey.

Name 7 things in your bag (or if you're male...wallet/ pocket):
1. wallet
2. cell phone
3. camera
4. keys
5. chap stick
6. random receipts
7. business cards

Name 5 favorite fruits:
1. apples
2. bananas
3. blueberries
4. cherries
5. pineapple

Name 4 names you go by:
1. Lee
2. Lee Lee
3. ?
4. ?

Name 3 things you are wearing right now
1. comfy pants
2. long sleeved shirt
3. umm, nothing else

What are you thinking about right now?
see my introduction to this survey

Where is your phone?
on the counter

Where do you sleep?
my bed!

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
Old Navy

What was the last thing you ate?
salad

What cell phone service do you have?
cingular

What is the closest item near you that is blue?
haha - roach and ant spray

What is the last movie you watched?
the Laramie Project

When did you last feel a tree with your bare hands?
huh?

The Strange Eleven - Eleven odd facts about yourself:

1. When was the last time you shaved your legs?
yesterday

2. What were you doing this morning at 8am?
sleeping

3. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace page?
yes

4. How many different beverages have you drank today?
2 water and diet coke

5. What's one thing you wish to change about yourself.
I wish my self esteem was better

6. What do you wish for?
happiness!!! :)

7. When was the last time you got really hurt?
physically? i haven't really. emotionally, probably yesterday.

8. Any plans for friday night?
not yet. I'm sure something will come up.

9. Something you are excited about?
Braves game on Tuesday afternoon should be way more fun than going to work.

10. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
green

11. Describe your keychains?
it's a Bacardi lanyard that Smash gave me the night before I left for Atlanta 5 years ago.
-----------------------------------------

1. Do you know anyone in prison?
no

3. When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?
Probably within the past month.

5. Have you ever gotten naked at a party?
no

6. Name someone you miss:
Sean

7. Are you named after a grandparent?
Great grandparent.

8. Who loves you?
My friends do. My family too.

9. Have you ever broken a rib?
no

10. Would you rather be a girl or a boy?
I'm cool with being a girl.

11. Who is the most spoiled person you know?
eh

12. Would you rather have a million dollars or true love?
true love

13. Have you ever had sex in church?
no

14. Are you gay?
no

15. Would you rather date someone 2 years younger or older?
it doesn't matter

16. What's your favorite junk food?
pizza?

17. Do you have a porn collection?
nope.

18. Is your birthday on a holiday?
it's the day after 4/20. Does that count?

19. Are you old enough to vote?
Umm, yeah.

20. Do you have any friends or family in the war right now?
No, but Armando was there.

21. Are you a vegetarian?
Sorta. I eat fish.

22. Do you worry about global warming?
Somewhat. I probably should worry more about it.

23. Do you like Polar bears?
They're cute but they'd probably eat me

24. What song do you want played at your funeral?
I don't really care

26. Did or do you think your childhood dreams will come true?
No

28. Are you a country or city girl/boy?
City

29. Are you taller than 5'6?
By a half inch or so

ADD

2007-05-25T22:08:00.001-04:00

I always get a little bit panicky in the midst of my excitement when I go home to Maryland. I worry about my appearance. Are people going to notice that I've gained weight? None of my friends here say they can tell but they see me all the time. I'm different than I was when I lived there. My friends are different too but it's a different sort of different. They've moved to the suburbs and have kids and lawns. I've learned to put on makeup and flirt with boys at bars. My differences from my friends are pretty evident, but what makes me uncomfortable is how evident my differences from my younger self are to them. I don't want things to be called out. I want to pretend that I was always skinny, that I was always stylish, that I was always social. Sometimes going home reminds me that I wasn't. When I was best friends with all of these girls (and guys) I was a chubby girl with eyebrows that were in desperate need of plucking who wore sneakers everyday (but not to work out cause I didn't do that.) I wasn't a girl who ran a marathon, I wasn't a girl who was obsessed with not gaining weight, I wasn't a girl that lived on her own in a city 500 miles away and managed to do just fine.

I need to pack. I hate packing. I manage to do everything else in the world but pack. I lack focus.

Pack a bra in your ho bag and other things I learned this weekend.

2007-05-21T18:36:00.000-04:00

1. When hiking up a mountain for three hours, it's wise to bring a water bottle.
2. CVS does not sell flour. Walgreen's does. Walgreen's also sells Wal-profin and Wal-dryl.
3. Friends aren't supposed to take baths together. Especially in tepid water with two rubber duckies floating around.
4. Our kickball team should be renamed "Michael does not have a small penis." (Note, this is hearsay and I did not actually see the penis in question nor would I want to.)
5. Even though Lexapro and Celexa are similar, they are not interchangable and one shouldn't take the other instead unless one wants to be extremely jittery at 5 am.
6. You can buy earrings from the woman next to you at a dive bar in Little 5. Or rather, make your friend buy them for you.
7. One of your friends doesn't like another one. (I found this out today and am rather confused)
8. When packing your "ho bag" as my friend Danny likes to call it, it is wise to put a bra in it especially if you happened to be wearing an unsupportive strapless bra all weekend. Also wise to put deodorant in it too, unless you like to smell like a boy.
9. The food at some random chinese restaurant OTP is rather greasy and gross. Also, if you eat it too fast, you'll burn your mouth.
10. It is impossible to find boiled crawfish in Atlanta. It is possible, however to find a good veggie burger and enjoy it while drinking a white peach mimosa and reading from a deck of trivial pursuit cards that you brought yourself.

Yeah, that was my weekend. Makes no sense to anyone reading this. I promise a much more understandable post soon.

Without even realizing it...

2007-05-16T23:25:00.001-04:00

I went to the gym and/or ran outside for seven days in a row! I was hoping that this sudden burst of energy that I've been experiencing was from exercising. But wait, in order for that to happen, I'd have to actually have had a sudden burst of energy. Not the case. I've been extremely tired all week. Am I working out too much? Is it my diet? I've been eating relatively well save for Sangria Sunday. Speaking of which, I had it in my head that sangria was a "healthier" drink. I thought it was wine and fruit and wine is relatively lo-cal, right? Umm, yeah no. Wine, fruit and a bunch of other liquor. Maybe that's why it snuck up on me and knocked me on my ass. Or rather, knocked my glass on my white skirt. Upon further investigation, sangria has as many calories as any other fruity drink. Ugh. In this case, ignorance was bliss. I won't be doing that again.

Umm, maybe I wouldn't be so tired if I went to sleep at a normal hour and not after midnight.

Therapy Part 1

2007-05-14T22:59:00.000-04:00

I didn't know what to expect when I went to the therpist's office last week at lunch. What I didn't expect was to see a bible in the waiting room along with a radio station playing Christian music. The therapist herself was nice enough and part of me feels like I'm contradicting the whole idea that I'm an "open minded" person, because I would consider not going to this woman because she's religious. But the thing is, it's not because she's religious, I have no problem with that, it's when people bring their religious (and in my opinion personal) views into the workplace. I see it as unprofessional. So I've been wavering back and forth and whether or not I want a second appointment with her and I just realized something that sealed the deal - she's a psychologist, not a psychiatrist. I got the two of them confused. I need someone who has the ability to prescribe medicine - especially since my primary care physician is no longer on my insurance plan. So, off to find another therapist.

In case anyone was wondering, $10 bottomless pitchers of sangria is not a good idea. Especially when it leads to me making out with my friend D who is gay and telling my friend A from work that he wears the same shirt to work all the time and who knows what else. (That second part is true and the first part has happened before. Apparently I'm the only girl that he likes to kiss.) Eh, at least my life isn't boring, I guess.

Can't find the words

2007-05-14T19:48:00.000-04:00

My friend's dad died today. I hadn't talked to him since Thanksgiving. I knew the situation was grave but I guess I didn't know how grave. As soon as I found out, I called him. I just didn't know what to say. His voice sounded small and sad. I consider myself very lucky. I have a lot of friends who've had a parent (or both) pass away. What do you do for your friends? I mean, he lives 500 miles away. I can't go to the funeral. Do I send a card, flowers, what? He was grateful that I called; I could hear it in his voice even though I didn't have much to say. He is one of my best friends even though we don't talk that often. I'll see him when I'm in MD for Memorial Day but I still don't know what to say.

A year goes by so quickly

2007-05-12T00:08:00.000-04:00

There was envelope shoved into my door when I got home yesterday. I've been living here for nearly a year; it's time to renew my lease if I want. I can't believe it's already been ten months. I remember moving in. Eric helped me move because Jamie was "busy." We got a flat tire at got stuck at GA State and were starving and the only thing around was McDonalds. My cell phone was about to die and everyone in the world was calling to tell me good luck with the move. That was almost a year ago. I was nervous at first. Nervous that I didn't have enough furniture. Nervous that I wouldn't be able to afford my bills. Most of all, nervous to be alone. Some people talk about loving living by themselves. They covet that alone time. I am not one of those people. But it's not all bad. I can do what I want, make as much noise as I please, leave the air turned off until mid August because I'm just not hot, and be as messy as I want. I'm not very different than I was a year ago. I have more friends and a new job, but I'm still the same. I wonder what will change in the next year.

So, yeah, I'm renewing my lease.

Lonely

2007-05-06T21:57:00.000-04:00

I have come to realize that I have some major issues being alone. At the end of the night, I do not like to go home by myself. I won't go home with someone else or bring someone home that I don't know, but I will try to get my friends to sleep over, especially if they're guys. It's not a sexual thing, I don't know what it is. I know that I should "work" on getting over this; I should "work" on being okay with being alone but I don't want to. I just don't want to be alone. And how do you even work to fix something like that? I know how to fix physical things. I know that if I want to lose ten pounds, I need to stop drinking as much. I know that if I want to run a race, I need to find a training plan and stick to it. But when what you want to change (even though I don't want to change it really) is mental, I just draw a blank.

Note to self

2007-05-06T20:51:00.000-04:00

When people think that there is something going on with you and someone you work with, it really adds fuel to the fire when he sleeps in your bed.

(People are wrong; there is nothing going on)

Monday, Monday

2007-04-30T18:47:00.000-04:00

I found myself in quite a chipper mood this morning. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I went to sleep at 9:45? I think I need to succumb to the fact that I really do need 8+ hours of sleep a night.

I'm really trying to be healthier lately. It's not really working. I went to the gym at lunch and did a lot of leg stuff. I tried to do some of the heavier, more uncomfortable stuff that I normally shy away from. I might give in and join Adina at kickboxing tomorrow. (I said might!)

I feel like I have nothing interesting at all to write about. I could write about how I feel large and am not happy with my body, but I write about that all the time. I could write about how I hooked up with C once again and am probably setting myself up for unnecessary drama, but I write about that all the time. I could write about how I tried to run and just wasn't feeling it so I ran/walked instead, but I write about that all the time.

I need new material, people.

My day yesterday

2007-04-27T22:32:00.000-04:00

1. Rain
2. Lunch nap
3. Do not text message him
4. Fine, well he texted me first
5. Sushi
6. Sake sampler
7. Adult trivia at Johnny's pizza
8. Anchovies are gross
9. Am I the only one who didn't know what a limp biscuit was? (Do you?)
10. 2nd place!
11. Golden Tee is not as fun as bowling but fun nonetheless
12. Bouncy balls in beers
13. Chomper
14. Couches at P'cheen
15. My bed. Alone.

Oh, I forgot to include my run. But a list of 15 seems more appealing than a list of 16. But I did run a little bit. I'm going to try to run 5 or 6 miles tomorrow. I feel soft lately.

The forgotten child

2007-04-24T17:30:00.000-04:00

My father didn't exactly forget my birthday. He just "didn't get around to calling me" and when he thought about it, "he thought I'd be out." What the fuck does that mean? He knows that I have a cell phone; I would have gotten the call. If I didn't he could have left a message. That's a lot nicer than calling me the next day. But seriously, who does that? I call him on his birthday. Nothing, nothing from him, nothing from my stepmother, nothing from my brother and nothing from my sister. I'd be suprised if my stepmother even knows my birthday. So my dad feels guilty; he feels guilty enough to buy me an Ibook. Which is nice, but I really just want a phone call. He can't buy me things to make up for not being there. I'm not going to say no to a new computer, but it's really not the point. His actual words when I mentioned the computer were "Well, I spend all kinds of money on Eric and Emma but none on you, so I'll buy it for you." Yeah, like I never noticed that? This is making me sound like a spoiled brat, but I'm really not talking about the money or the computer. I'm talking about my father taking a vested interest in my life.

Sick days schmick days

2007-04-24T13:06:00.000-04:00

Can someone explain why, despite the fact that I've called in sick, I've been doing work from home all day*? I guess I have a strong work ethic.

*Well save for the three hour nap.

Trying to keep the glass half full

2007-04-23T22:59:00.000-04:00

Therapy is looking kind of appealing lately. I've been pretty bummed out. I always used to blame my depression on my job. I had a string of bad jobs, my last one in particular. But I'm happy with my current job, so that's not what's causing this. I don't know what is. I think I'm uspet that I don't have a boyfriend but maybe that's not the problem either. I don't know what the fucking problem is.

In an attempt to be positive, 5 good things that happened today:

1. People at work took me out to lunch for my birthday at Atkins Park.
2. I went to a new Trader Joe's that just opened and they gave me a pink balloon.
3. I went to a good pilates class.
4. I did not overeat.
5. I got some random email from this hot kickball guy. Not that I'm interested in the slightest, but it's still cool that a hot guy emailed me to say hi.

Get over it

2007-04-20T07:16:00.000-04:00

I don't think my friends realize just how much I still talk to C. I need to get over this. I need to stop secretly thinking that just because there was some drunken hookup the other week, things are going to work out. They're not. I'm not sure why I'm having such a tough time moving on. In the grand scheme of my dating life, he was merely a blip. I deserve better.

I turn 29 tomorrow. It feels old but doesn't. I feel like I'm behind. I was talking to someone I work with who is about to turn 30. She said that she feels the same way. I don't like to think of myself as one of those girls who just wants to get married, but I feel like jeez, I should be in some sort of serious relationship by now. I've really never had a serious relationship. I've dated a lot but tend to freak out several months into it and break it off. 28 was a good year though. Here's to 29 being even better. *Raises imaginary glass*

Blabbermouth

2007-04-15T09:01:00.000-04:00

I have a big mouth. I can't help it. I can keep other people's secrets fine but not my own. This is why I'm so shocked that I've told so few of my friends about what happened with C. the other week. I'm still confused about him. I still like him. I tell myself that I don't, but I do. His ex-girlfriend is visiting this weekend. I don't even know how I feel about that. Jealousy, I guess. He and I are not together. It's my fault that I went to his house last week. I invited myself. I know I can't do this. I have to have a relationship. I don't know why I'm letting this turn into a f-buddy type of deal. I haven't talked/emailed/texted him since Wednesday and that in inself feels weird.

"Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures" - The Postal Service

Okay, the above quote is a tad dramatic for a short fling, but whateva'. My blog. Deal.

My soundtrack

2007-04-15T07:59:00.000-04:00

I ran five miles yesterday. I wasn't sure what to expect. I haven't run since the marathon save for one horrible mile and a half where it was freezing out and I'd forgotten headphones. I started out and it sucked. I got a little panicky. Had I really lost that much of my ability to run in two weeks? By the time I got to Target, which is a little over a mile, I felt better. It was just the same as before. The first mile is always the toughest. I realized that running really does calm me. It gives me time to think. My life gets sort of chaotic and the only time that I really have to myself is when I'm running. I don't know how to explain that. I'm in my apartment by myself a lot. But there are always distractions - tv, the internet, instant messenger, the phone. Sure, when I'm running I listen to music, but it's sort the background to my thoughts.

Speaking of music, I need to find some new stuff. I've been playing with Pandora, which sometimes gives me good suggestions and sometimes not. Some songs I'm loving currently:

Masterfade - Andrew Bird
Begin - Ben Lee
Lover's Spit (Redux) - Broken Social Scene
Sinister in a State of Hope - Loney, Dear

Disordered?

2007-04-11T22:49:00.000-04:00

I finally got up the nerve to step on the scale the other day. I hadn't weighed myself since the early weeks of marathon training. I didn't for two reasons. One, I wanted to allow myself to eat if I felt hungry. I didn't want to let a number on the scale possibly effect my training and two, after a while I got scared. But since the marathon is over and my clothes are feeling tight, I realized that it was probably time to see just what that number was. And yes, it was higher. Probably a good 6-7 pounds higher. There are other factors, I'm sure. I maybe gained some muscle and I just started my period but the bottom line is that I've been eating more. And drinking more. I don't like being at this weight. I feel uncomfortable in my clothes; I feel uncomfortable in my skin. So I've been eating and drinking less. The drinking less I can handle. Hopefully that will make a difference. It's the eating less that's problematic. I don't know how to go about it without becoming all fucked up in regards to food. I'm going to bed hungry and dreaming of food. I'm trying to count calories. I don't want this to become an obsession again but at the same time, I sort of do because at least then I was skinny.

I just needed to get that out of my head. I know I'm not fat and I know I probably could use therapy for this too but I want my clothes to fucking fit again.

Writer's Block

2007-04-09T22:54:00.000-04:00

In lieu of writing anything remotely interesting, I'll give you a ten things you might not know about me list.

1. My first concert was New Kids on the Block. I was ten. My second concert was Motley Crue. I was eleven. Guess I changed a lot in a year.

2. I haven't eaten red meat or pork (on purpose, I'm sure I've eaten it accidently in something) for probably 14 years.

3. I grew up in a condo where the bedroom windows were on ground level facing a big yard and some trees. The entire time I lived there I was scared that someone was would break in.

4. I played women's rugby in college. I was terrible. Despite the marathon running, I am not particularly sporty.

5. I never picked up smoking although the first time I ever smoked a cigarette, I was eleven.

6. I accidently set the trash can on fire when I was in middle school.

7. I skipped a lot of school in high school but managed to stay on the honor roll.

8. I moved from MD to Atlanta in 2002 for no reason other than I wanted to move.

9. I've been to England, Ireland, Spain, France, Italy and Canada.

10. I cannot touch my toes.

Moral hangover

2007-04-06T22:46:00.000-04:00

I think I need to figure some stuff out. I don't know exactly what but I feel like I'm lacking focus lately. I engage in all sorts of behavior that's not healthy. I graviate towards drama. I put too much emphasis on attention. That's my problem. I need too much attention. Why am I like that and how do I overcome it? I confuse physical and emotional affection all the time. Over and over, I confuse it. I don't know why I don't learn. It's not the same. If someone is paying attention to me physically, it's not the same as emotionally.

I don't know what I'm talking about. When I worked at Joe's Crab Shack a million years ago we used to talk about waking up with a moral hangover. I have a moral hangover.

Dear Self,

2007-04-06T10:23:00.000-04:00

When you stop dating someone, it is not the wisest idea to have sex with him until 5 am. Just sayin'

How to deal?

2007-04-04T18:41:00.000-04:00

I feel like everyone goes through this at some point or another. You're dating a guy. You like him. Something happens, he does something jerky, now you're not dating. But you still like him and you think that maybe you could be friends still at some poin in the future. But your friends now all hate him for being an asshole to you. How do you deal with that?

Drama queen

2007-04-03T22:47:00.000-04:00

I tend to be a tad dramatic. I don't know where it comes from. I get really emotional about things and them bam...they pass and I'm fine.

On a workout related note, I've lifted weights for the past two days. I want to try to do a short run but I'm having a problem with my toe. I think ....ewww...I might have to get the toenail removed at the doctor. Such is the life of a marathon runner, I 'spose.

The boy in question, I've emailed him like twelve times today. Okay really two. No one is supposed to know that besides the internet.

I wish Liz Phair didn't sing about my life*

2007-04-02T20:40:00.000-04:00

I woke up alarmed
I didn't know where I was at first
Just that I woke up in your arms
And almost immediately I felt sorry
'Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions, and
What ever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who tries to win you over, and
What ever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who makes love cause he's in it, and

I want a boyfriend
I want a boyfriend
I want all that stupid old shit
Like letters and sodas
Letters and sodas

You got up out of bed
You said you had a lot of work to do
But I heard the rest in your head
And almost immediately I felt sorry
'Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions, and

I want a boyfriend
I want a boyfriend
I want all that stupid old shit
Like letters and sodas
Letters and sodas

I can feel it in my bones
I'm gonna spend another year alone
It's fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was seventeen
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was twelve

You almost felt bad
You said that I should call you up but
I knew much better than that
And almost immediately I felt sorry
'Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions

And I can feel it in my bones
I'm gonna spend my whole life alone
It's fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was seventeen
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was twelve

- Liz Phair "Fuck and Run"

* Well, not the part about being twelve. Or seventeen either for that matter.

Crappy ass day

2007-04-02T19:08:00.000-04:00

I just texted C to call me when he gets off work. I want to have a conversation about "us" that's conducted entirely while we're sober. I don't think this is working. I like him a lot and I have a great time with him but I think that I want more than he does. I don't think I do, I know I do. He said that he didn't want a commited relationship. I told him from the beginning that I didn't want just a friends with benefits type of thing, but I think that's what this is turning into. I know from past experience that I cannot pretend that I don't want more when I do. I've gotten really hurt by doing that.

This sucks. I've been on the verge of tears all day. I've only known him for two months but we've spent a lot of time together and I really did think that maybe something would come out of this. Maybe not. His ex-girlfriend is coming to visit him in two weeks. Umm, yeah. I think there's still something going on even though he says they're just friends. I can't do this to myself. He treats me well when he's around me and my friends all like him but we're at the point where things need to either evolve or stop and I guess he's not too keen on advancing our relationship now and I understand his reasons for that. But I feel like I'm being lead on.

He texted me that he was still at work but he'd call me. I hate this. I hate confrontation. My voice shakes and I cry. I need to tell him what I think though. I'm not just going to be around for now.

Edited to add - Apparently one of my friends does not like him. She thinks he gives off a weird vibe. I don't know why she thought that was a good idea to tell me that in the midst of my boy-related meltdown, but I just burst into tears.

Free time, what's that?

2007-03-30T20:28:00.000-04:00

I told myself that I would give my body a break this week. That means no running and no working out of any kind. It's harder than it sounds. Mentally, that is. I'm convinced that this free week is going to take it's toll on me physically. I've had dreams of gaining weight. I'm suddenly convinced that my clothes that formally fit are too tight. I'm trying to make myself eat less. I developed a hell of an appetite during marathon training and could definitely put away a ton of food. Now, I need to learn to control my portions once again.

You'd think it'd be a relief; I no longer have to worry about putting in all that mileage. But now I'm back to worrying about eating. I wonder if this is ever going to go away. By "this," I mean my pre-occupation with gaining weight. It comes in waves. Sometimes I think I'm fine and other times I long for the time when I was thisclose to having an eating disorder. And I know that longing for an eating disorder is not fine. I'm not in the same place mentally that I was then. I'm happier. I have a job that I like. I have a lot of friends. I'm dating someone. I don't need to base my life around what I eat and what I don't. But there's this fear. A fear of weight gain. A fear that if I do gain weight, all of those good things in my life will go away because those things only come with being small.

Maybe I'm going through the post-race blues that everyone talks about. I mean, in a way, training for a marathon defined my life for a while. I would go out and meet people and tell them that I was running a marathon. It's not exactly the same to go out and tell people that I did run one. It's not my life anymore.

I do have a sudden abundance of free time though. Free time, what's that?

My get out of jail free card

2007-03-27T19:03:00.000-04:00

Today I'm giving myself the opportunity to eat whatever I want. So far, dinner has been a soy hot dog (yes, that's what I wanted, I know, I'm weird), an entire bag of Stacey's Pita chips and several handfuls of jelly beans. I'd say roughly a 1100 calorie dinner. This is my get out of jail free card. My I just ran a marathon and I'm treating myself card. My I didn't really eat anything for the past two days and I need to make up the calorie deficit card.

And out of all the food in the world, I choose a soy hot dog?

Race Report

2007-03-26T19:23:00.000-04:00

Of course I was being ridiculous about the boy not calling me back about dinner. He ended up coming and he, Jamie, Dave, my mother and I went to this Italian restaurant called Benedettis. It wasn't the best food and the busboy kept spilling the water; once he spilled it down my mothers back and once he spilled in on the boy's shoes. Our waiter also knocked over my water and that landed on my mother too. After dinner, my mom and I went to Target and TCBY and then I dropped her off at her hotel and went home.

The next morning, I woke up at 5 and took a shower and ate an english muffin. I picked up my mom and we met Lauren and Adina at the MARTA station. The MARTA, of course, broke and we were stuck at the Civic Center station for like 15 minutes. Almost everyone on the train were runners and since it was getting close to 7, everyone was getting nervous. The train finally started moving again and we got the the start at about 6:50.

There were a lot of people there. We didn't even cross the start line until about 15 minutes into the race. Adina and Lauren were running the half. The half and the full ran the same course for the first 4 miles. I ran with them. At this point, the temperature was perfect and I felt great. They didn't have anyone saying the times at every mile, just at certain ones. The first one was at the 10K. I think I was an hour and some change. I don't remember. What I do remember, however, is seeing signs for water and Powerade and there being none. I knew that my mom would be at mile 9, so I figured I'd just wait until then. The boy had said that he would meet my mom at mile 9 and take her to meet Jamie at mile 16 or so. I told them to meet me at a certain corner. As I came around the bend, I couldn't tell if the person with my mom was the boy or was Jamie. All I really saw was blonde hair and sunglasses. It was the boy. It made me really happy that he showed up and was hanging out with my mother, nonetheless. I was still feeling good at this point and seeing them helped a lot. I saw them again at mile 11 and they gave me some water. At this point, we were near Emory. I stopped to pee here. Around mile 12, I started running with this guy and talked to him for about four miles. At 16, I saw the boy and my mom again and then a few feet later, I saw a woman that I worked with. My mom and the boy gave me oranges and my work friend gave me M&Ms. I shared them with my running buddy.

At this point, it started to get hard. The sun was bearing down and the temperature was at a record breaking high. Plus, it was hilly. I ran until mile 18 and then stopped to walk for a little bit. My running buddy had stopped to pee at some point, but caught up to me since I was walking. I started running again with him and ran to about 19. At this point, I really needed to walk, so he kept going and I slowed down. 18 to 20 kind of sucked because it was an out and back. As we crossed 18, you could see 20 on the other side and that was kind of hard because you knew it was still 2 miles away. I walked for a lot of this part, stopping to jog sometimes. As I got to around 21.5ish, I saw my mom, the boy and Jamie. I think I was like, "This fucking sucks!!" as I passed them. I was half running/half walking. Jamie walked with me a little bit. They told me that my other friends were at mile 24. I was mostly walking at this point. It was just so hot out. I did some sort of walk/run type thing until mile 24. They were all there again and Erin and the guy that she's dating ran with me for the last two miles. That really helped. Erin was running in flip flops which shows how slow I was running at this point. Seeing the mile 26 sign was the best thing I've ever seen in my life. I saw the finish line and ran across. Afterwards, I somehow managed to find a diet coke. I really wanted to shower so we went to my apartment.

The plan was to get chips and salsa because that is what I thought I'd want. However, it didn't really go that way. I didn't really think I'd feel as bad as I did. I showered and sat on the couch and basically couldn't get up. So we ordered pizza. Emily came over and the four of us just hung out for a while. The boy stayed until about 6. At this point, I was starting to not feel so great. I felt naseous and got into my bed. My mom said it was hot in the apartment but I was shivering. All of a sudden, I realized that I was going to throw up but my body just wasn't allowing me to get out of bed, so I threw up in the trash can next to my bed. I hate throwing up. I rarely do it. I threw up four times in a row. I felt better after that. I got back in bed and tried to drink some Gatorade. At about 11pm, I was hungry and ate a bagel.

I didn't sleep well. I didn't have sheets on my bed because I'd thrown up all over them and didn't feel like putting new ones one. So today, I basically slept all day. My mom's flight was at 5. We didn't really do much. We went to Einstein Bros to get a bagel. I ate half of it. My mom was worried about me because I wasn't so hungry. I felt naseous again after eating the bagel. I went back to sleep and now I feel a little better. I'm still not 100% but I did eat some and after all, I did run a marathon yesterday.

Bah

2007-03-24T17:29:00.000-04:00

I'm full of butterflies. Oddly enough, or not really if you know me, I'm more worried that the boy isn't going to call me back than about the marathon. I know, I know. I'm a freak. He left me a voicemail this morning asking what time we were going to dinner and I called him back and left a message. Then a few hours later I texted him. Nothing. He'll show up. I know he will. I just really don't want my mom to think I'm dating some asshole. He's not an asshole though which is why he'll call me back. Or in half an hour, he's getting another phone call. F those games. I need to know if he's coming.

I went to the expo to pick up my bib. There were two lines; one was for the full marathon and the other was for the half. The full marathon line breezed right in while the people in the line for the half had to wait. We walked around for a bit, sampling Clif bars and other energy type of foods, my mom nagging me to hydrate myself the entire time.

Speaking of hydration (which my father also called to tell me about. Do my parents really think I'm that much of an idiot?), I have been peeing every two seconds because I'm drinking so much.

Nerves

2007-03-24T09:02:00.000-04:00

I woke up at 7 this morning for no reason other than nerves and the fact that I went to sleep at 11 pm. Oh and that I can never sleep late. I'm trying to get my shit together for tomorrow. I made a marathon playlist. It has 377 songs on it. I really hope I'm not going to go through 377 songs! I might go back and edit and just put songs that I really love on it. I'm doing laundry. My clothes are ready. I made a list of things to give to my mother in a backpack. I don't have a backpack though. Someone's got to have one.

I'm going to the expo with Jamie and Dave this afternoon to pick up our numbers.

I don't know how I'm going to get through today. I'm a bundle of nerves. I have gone to the bathroom like 5 times already today. Maybe I should have sex. Get out some pent up energy? Or maybe I should leave the energy in my body for tomorrow.

I think this is the most disorganized post ever!

After the marathon

2007-03-23T07:54:00.000-04:00

After the marathon.

I read an article once, though I have no idea where, about how when you train for a marathon (how when? That doesn't sound right.) all you can think about is life after the marathon. That's where I'm at right now. After the marathon I'll be able to hang out with friends more. After the marathon I'll be able to take weekend trips. After the marathon I'll be able to sleep all day if I want. And mainly, after the marathon I'll be able to lift weights again.

Strength training has completely taken a backseat to running. And when I say completely, I mean I haven't lifted weights in at least two weeks and even before that, it was very sporadic. My body responds well to strength training. It doesn't respond as well to tons of cardio. I feel flabby. Maybe it's in my head; I just feel gross. I know I'm in good shape, but I put on a shirt today that I wore all last summer and it just doesn't feel like it fits right. I want to be more toned. I want to be happy with my body. I don't know if that will ever happen. My eating habits need to clean up a bit too. I've definitely been using the, "I'm running a marathon" excuse when it comes to eating. Like umm, Krispy Kreme donut yesterday at work. I don't even like donuts!

I can never find that happy medium concerning working out, food and body image.

It's looming

2007-03-21T18:33:00.000-04:00

Seriously? In the 80s? I do not run when it is in the 80s. I'm wimpy. I don't like extreme hot or extreme cold. And 84 in the end of March is EXTREME HOT!!! A co-worker tried to assure me that it wouldn't be that hot at the start. Right now I just want this to be over. I want to run 26.2 miles and move on with my life. I've read a lot about tapering. A lot of people say that it makes them feel unprepared for the race. In my case, this is true. They also say, however, that they are itching to run. In my case, not true. I'm sick of running. I'm sick of it dictating my life. I really do have a love/hate relationship with it though. I've been irritiable all week and I'm almost 100% sure it's from not running.

I have nothing else really to report. I still haven't heard from the boy but I think he really is just busy. I mean, nothing happened between us. Maybe I just got it into my head that things are more serious than they really are. I tend to do that. How appropriate - my horoscope: Tone down the intense energy you've been focusing on someone new -- it's confusing.

What should I eat after the marathon? Any suggestions? Crap, I'm all about eating fattening crap. Except, oddly enough, for the most part I don't like fattening crap.

Repeat to yourself

2007-03-20T22:47:00.000-04:00

When I'm feeling insecure about guys, I like to read this recent post from This Fish.

Repeat to yourself, "I'm not mad, I'm playing darts." and stop fucking overanalyzing.

Worry wart

2007-03-20T22:25:00.000-04:00

When I was in college, I smoked a lot of pot. I think I was somewhat happier then because my mind was so hazy. Now, sans all the smoke, my brain is a lot clearer. But maybe clearer isn't better. Because for me, a clear mind leads to thinking and while thinking in itself is great, overthinking and dwelling is not. I get thoughts into my head and can't shake them. They're usually stupid, meaningless things; so and so is mad at me, a boy doesn't like me, I did a bad job at work and other things like that. Usually my fears don't end up to be warranted at all. But I don't learn and it doesn't help me from thinking them. I think I'm a pessimist at heart. I don't necessarily think that things are always going to turn out badly but I worry that they will. I worry a lot.

Usually running helps with the anxiety. Running and lexapro. I haven't been running as much though and that's adding to my worrying. But it's not running the actual marathon that I'm worried about exactly. It's more of the little things. Will I get there on time? Will it be too hot towards the end? Will my friends show up? Will the boy show up? Why did E tell me that she wanted to go to the pasta dinner the night before and completely forget that she told me and is now telling me that the restaurant is bad? Am I expecting too much from the new boy? Okay, that last one isn't about the marathon but in my mind everything is about the marathon.

In which I try to figure out boys and fail miserably

2007-03-20T07:57:00.000-04:00

I talked to the boy last night. Not TALKED, but we just talked on the phone. I asked him if he wanted to get together this week which means either tonight or tomorrow since we have kickball on Thursday. He basically said no. He said he needed to figure some stuff out and he hasn't been home in a long time and he's stressed out at work. I just said, "Okay." Then he was like, "I'll see you on Thursday though." He still said he was coming to the marathon. I don't know. This puts all kinds of doubt in my mind. Maybe he thinks we're spending too much time together. Maybe he doesn't like me as much as I like him. Maybe this, maybe that. Or maybe he really just needs some time to himself. My nature is to overanalyze everything. I annoy and depress the hell out of myself by doing it. This is what happens to me every single time I date someone. I get to the point where I start liking him a lot and then I get scared and decide that he doesn't feel the same so I completely back off.

Anyone else care to decode? Or is there anything to decode?

T-minus six days

2007-03-19T07:49:00.000-04:00

So this officially starts my "be good to yourself" week. BGTY week includes the following:

1. Drink water. Lots of water.
2. Eat healthly. Stop snacking so much but eat good meals and include a bit more carbs than usual.
3. Go to bed early. At least early-ish.
4. Don't drink.
5. Follow the training plan for the last week. It's easy.
6. Keep up with the glucosomine.

In other non-running news, I am a bit surprised at how much I missed the boy last weekend. He was out of town but I did see him on Thursday night. This is still a very new well, whatever you want to call it, friendship/relationship/whatever and I just didn't think I'd feel like this but I do really like him and that scares me. I am afraid to put myself out there. I think that's why I have so many dates and so few relationships. I'm very scared of getting hurt. I think I should just risk it for once. We've been dating for about a month now. I'm starting to have those, "What's going on here?" feelings. I think THE TALK is coming. I hate THE TALK. I avoid THE TALK.

Oh, I guess I need to go to work.

Nothing

2007-03-18T11:35:00.000-04:00

I've started writing about a million things this morning and I just can't decide what I want to say. My mind's been that way lately.

ummm.. OMFG

2007-03-16T23:38:00.000-04:00

I'm running a marathon in a week!! I've been printing things out and it's hitting me; I'm running a fucking marathon in a week. OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!

It's a good thing I actually looked at the website. I've been telling all my friends that it starts at 8:30. Umm, it starts at 7. Oopsy.

I'm going to be a mess for the next eight days. A hyper, anxious mess.

Logistics and such

2007-03-16T23:02:00.000-04:00

It suddenly occured to me that my marathon is a week from Sunday. It also occured to me that I have absolutely nothing figured out. It's like for some reason, I've been avoiding all things running related. I used to be on running websites all the time. Maybe it's because I now spend my days actually working, but I haven't graced Runner's World or Cool Running in a while. But it's coming up and I need to prepare.

Specifically, here's what I need to figure out:

1. When and where I pick up my race packet.
2. When and where I pick up my mother.
3. How I'm getting to the race.
4. Where my mother will be and how she will get there.
5. What I'll wear which depends on the weather. I'm pretty sure that I'll wear these gray capri running pants that I like a lot but I have no idea what to wear for a top. I need my ugly-ass visor too.
6. Which of my friends are going to come and where they will be and what they will bring me to eat.
7. Music for my marathon mix.
8. What to do at the end and how I'm going to get home. I wish my mother knew how to drive stick. That would make my life a little easier.

Ack!

Would you like some pollen with that run?

2007-03-14T23:03:00.000-04:00

It happens every Spring here. It gets warm out and you shove your sweaters under the bed or in the closet and bring out all of your flip flops and tank tops. It's light out after you get home from work and even after you've eaten dinner. You no longer have to go to the gym. You can run outside. You can run outside in shorts. But there's one little catch:

FUCKIN POLLEN!!!

That happens every Spring here too. The cars all turn yellow. If you have a black car, you might forget the color within a month. There's no use in washing it because it'll just turn yellow again the next day. You spend all your money on Clairitin. And you really hope that for your marathon, you don't forget to take it.

(For some reason, I enjoy writing in the second person. Or, I guess I should say you enjoy it, but that wouldn't make any sense.)

Ahh, the lessons I should learn

2007-03-13T20:30:00.000-04:00

Lesson #1: Don't drink all day after running 15 miles.
Lession #2: If you are going to ignore lesson #1, at least eat something.
Lesson #3: Learn to spell "lesson."
Lesson #4: Do not think it would be funny to have new boy give you a big hickey.
Lesson #5: Especially before a business trip.
Lesson #6: If your flight to is at Chicago is at 8, don't get to the airport at 7:20.

So yeah, my good friend basically told me that I'm drinking too much, I have a large hickey that hasn't gone away and I missed my flight to Chicago. I'm kinda bummed. Well, not about the flight part, I got another one. Not really about the hickey either, although what almost 29 year old has a hickey?

Up

2007-03-10T06:24:00.000-05:00

I set my alarm for 7:50. It's 6:25. I'm awake. I've eaten breakfast and am patiently waiting for the sun to rise so I can get outside and do my run. It's already 52 degrees outside. If I run at 6:45, I'll be done by 9:45 and can get a nap in before my proposed afternoon of [a week early] St. Patrick's Day debauchery.

Things are pretty good lately. Work is good. Stuff with that boy is good. What's not good is the amount of food that I've been shoveling into my mouth under the guise that I'm hungry because I'm running a lot. Am I really that much hungrier or do I just let myself think I am? I was watching "Intervention" last night (a great show if you've never seen it. Friday night at 10 on A&E) and one of the addicts was a bulemic. Now, I am not and never have been bulemic. But something that she said did strike a chord with me. She said to her parents, "Food might be something that I'll never be okay with." I feel like that sometimes. Granted, I'm come a long way in overcoming some somewhat disordered behaviors, but thinking about food and and the guilt that goes along with eating something "bad" and wishing I didn't eat as much, those thoughts are always in the back of my mind.

Oops, I didn't even intend to write about that.

Doubt

2007-03-06T23:00:00.001-05:00

I ran 3 miles tonight and it was hard. My legs felt like lead. I did it with some walk breaks and left the gym almost in tears. I'm having such a hard time with training lately. I know that I need to be positive but I'm doubting myself big time. I'm doubting my motivation, my dedication and my actual physical ability. Work was stressful today. I'm still unsure of what it is I'm doing. Thankfully there is one woman there, a salesperson, who helps me a lot. Actually she helps me stay motivated for the marathon too. I think she's going to come watch.

I'm wondering if I'm not getting enough protein. I'm tired. I'm really tired. But that could be stress related too. I have been craving a lot of cheese and milk lately and I don't even really like cheese or milk. Maybe my body is trying to tell me something. I don't eat red meat, pork or chicken but I do eat fish and dairy. Is this enough protein and iron? I know that all the vegetarian info says that you really don't need to worry about protein as much as you'd think, but maybe that doesn't apply for marathon training? I don't know.

My next marathon...if there is one...I'm not traning alone. I'll tell you that much for sure.

And I miss you

2007-03-05T22:59:00.000-05:00

I met J at my first "real" job in Atlanta. We were inseparable from the start. We quickly became roommates and did everything together. It was a rather tumultuous friendship at times. He knows me better than anyone else has ever known me in my life. We can read each others minds. We can finish each others sentences. But at the same time, we fought. We were together too much. There were period where we worked together and lived together and were basically each other's only friend. It took a toll on our friendship. Things started getting really bad last year. Specifically, in my mind though he might think otherwise, when I started dating E. We really started fighting. We both thought that our friendship wasn't going to last. But it did. We moved into our own apartments and eventually began to have our own lives. We made new friends, we had different jobs. I thought things were going to be okay. But now when I call, he doesn't answer. When I invite him out, he doesn't want to go.

I guess we're in different phases in our lives. He's almost seven years older than I am. I still want to go out until the wee hours of the morn, while he wants to drink wine and try fancy restaurants with his boyfriend. I miss him. I miss having someone around who gets me. Someone who laughs at the same things that I laugh at. Someone who I can ask, "Will I like that restaurant?" and he'll know for sure yes or no. It's not because he has a boyfriend now that I don't see him. Or maybe it is. Eventually I'm going to stop trying. But I'll still miss him.

my indulgent weekend

2007-03-04T20:18:00.000-05:00

My weekend of indulgence has come to an end. I did end up working out a little bit after all. I went to the gym and ran 3 miles and then after feeling rather ill, did the arc trainer for another 45. I wonder if I'm totally screwing myself here but I am just so sick of marathon training. I think a big part of it is that I'm doing it by myself. I have no one to push me, no one to entertain me while I run. There only seem to be alternative plans that are way more fun. Umm, like my weekend...

My plan was flawed from the beginning. I should not plan for my long run to be on a Sunday. I need it to be on Saturday. Not only to get it over with more quickly, but so I'll always have a fall back day should I become a lazy excuse for a person. Actually, my indulgent weekend requires a little bit of backstory. My friends have a group (not going to tell what it's called, although it's quite clever, I don't want this blog to come up if anyone googles it.) that goes to a bar every Thursday. They began with A and every week go through the Alphabet. Last week was supposed to be Q. Apparently, nothing in Atlanta begins with a Q so they decided not to go out. My friend L, however, still wanted to. L lives next door to new boy. That's actually how I met him. In a freak incident where I actually planned ahead of time, I had my gym stuff with me at work. So I ran 4 miles and drove up to L's house. I'm making this story unecessarily long - point of it is that I slept at new boys house and didn't get much sleep since I had to drive home first the next day before work to change my clothes. This was after I had a fashion show at his house, trying to find something of his that wouldn't look absolutely ridiculous on me.

We had dinner reservations at a nice restaurant in Buckhead the following night at 9:15. My plan was to go home and get a short nap and go to the gym. Only the work Gods didn't see it that way because I had to work late. So between a nap and running, you can figure out what was sacrificed. The dinner was good...and the start of the indulgencies. I had a prickly pear maragarita and we had a bottle of wine. I also had salmon and we split a tuna tartare appetizer. We went to several other bars and by the time last call rolled around, we were in no condition to drive. We took a taxi back to my place and, after making the taxi driver stop so I could get cash and oddly enough, buy peanut butter, got back home.

Needless to say, my chaste intentions went flying out the window. The next day we had to drive back to Decatur to get his car. After a series of mishaps which included not being able to park in a lot because the gate wouldn't open, new boy almost running over some small children and me cursing the broken soda machine at Kroger, we ended up meeting up with a runnning club that he had joined at a bar. Somehow everyone left but us. We ended up meeting some other friends for dinner where I ate an entire ramekin of spinach and artichoke dip by myself, not to mention a bunch of tator tots. We decided to go bowling. By this point, I was really tired and still trying to fool myself into thinking that I was still going to run.

By the time we actually got out of bed this morning, it was noon. I was hungry. We got food and somehow went back to my apartment and looked at a book about dogs and laughed at it and fell asleep. He left at 4.

I had a really fun weekend but I feel sort of gross. I am not pleased with the amount of food and alcohol that was consumed. Although I am pleased with the amount of...well, you know.

My weekend

2007-03-04T16:38:00.000-05:00

What I did this weekend: Went on a date that lasted approximately 68 hours.
What I did not do this weekend: Run. At all. Because of said date.

Oh boy.

Would you like some whine with that cheese?

2007-03-01T07:54:00.000-05:00

I emailed him last night around 7. Haven't heard anything back. It was only last night. That's totally normal, I know it is, but it plants these seeds of doubt in my mind. Granted, I don't express them (well, except to the internet) but they are still there. And they're probably completely unfounded. And you know what, what if they're not? So what? I just hate that I can be so needy sometimes. He's probably busy with work. Or tired. Hell, I'm busy with work and tired. I think I have an email addiction. I need to realize that not everyone else does too.

Oh and just to clarify, I'm still running the marathon. I went to sleep at 9:45 last night and feel much better. I had to sacrifice my Real World obsession but it was worth it, I hope.

Another monster month

2007-02-28T21:03:00.000-05:00

I remember reading an article in Runner's World last year that talked about the "Monster Month," the month before the marathon. As of two days ago, I've officially entered my monster month. I called my mother today to whine.

"I don't want to run this race anymore. I'm tired all the time. I have no life. I fell asleep driving." Okay, I didn't tell her about the falling asleep driving part. There are somethings that mothers, and the rest of the world except out there in internet-land, don't really need to know.

"You don't have to run it."

"But I do. I told everyone that I know that I was running it. I can't back out now. I've already run 20 miles. I'm like a week away from tapering. I can't stop now. I will never forgive myself."

My mom doesn't want me to run this thing. She has mentioned several times that she thinks that I need to see a nutritionist. I keep asking her why. What I'm afraid she's getting at is that I've gained weight. It's sort of dumb that I'm worrying about that because I haven't even seen my mother in two months. She has no idea if I've gained weight or not. I have no idea if I've gained weight or not. Somehow the scale went from something I'd step on multiple times a day to something that I'm petrified of. I don't know which is worse. Anyway, I digress.

Runner's World has a bunch of suggestions on how to get through this month including:

1. Live in the present.
2. Don't skip scheduled runs (Umm, oops)
3. Go to bed earlier

I thought February was a hard month. I felt like all I was doing was running. Coupled with my new job, it was a very hard month. But February is over. Tomorrow is a new month. It might still be part of the monster month, but at least I'm getting more and more acclimated to my job. I have somewhat of a grasp on what it is that I actually do. I put up some pictures in my office. I know everyone's name. I've had lunch with a few folks.

I'm still tired and I'm still overwhelmed. But once this monster month is over, I'll be even more comfortable in my job and I'll have run a marathon.

Overwhelmed

2007-02-26T22:30:00.000-05:00

I'm not having a good day. I'm on the verge of tears right now and it's for no particular reason aside from the fact that I feel overwhelmed. I went to the gym tonight to do 3 or 4 miles and my knees hurt so I did the elliptical instead. This marathon is overwhelming. I messed something up at work. Again. I got these folders printed and there was a big line in the middle of them. I don't know how it got there but what I really don't know is how I didn't notice. I keep messing up stupid shit like that. I'm afraid that they're going to fire me. Work is overwhelming. I just want my life back. I want consistency; I want routine. I hate change. I always have. I know it's something that I probably should work on because there is always going to be change. But change is overwhelming. New job, running more miles than ever, new boy (well, maybe), it's just making me really, really tired.

slow and steady

2007-02-25T10:53:00.000-05:00

That was a big hunk of my day yesterday. I ate a lot during the run. I don't know if it helped but it gave me something to look forward to. I had a clif bar at mile 5, bought a propel at mile 6 (melon, which I didn't like and threw away.), bought some water at mile 9, another powerbar type thing at 11 and a banana and gatorade at 16. The banana helped. I was at a gas station and at that point I really was ready to be home and none of the food looked appealing at all but my energy levels were seriously waning so I bought a gas station banana. I don't usually drink Gatorade but I tried it and it tasted weird to me. I guess I'm just used to Propel. I used to like Gatorade though. There are so many flavors to choose from and then what's the deal with Gatorade Fierce and Gatorade Rain and stuff? I just bought plain ol' orange.

I ran slowly. Very slowly. I normally run a ten minute mile on the treadmill but for this run, I probably went as slow as a 12 minute mile. Some people run faster outside. I'm not one of them. My natural gait is just not fast. That's something I may want to work on after the race. I've got the distance thing covered, now maybe it's time to work on speed. Well, not now but in a month or so.

Speaking of slow and steady, I hung out with that guy again on Friday night. I went to his apartment and we played board games. I ended up sleeping there because he lives like 25 minutes away and I was tired. What's nice about this.. whatever it is... is that it is going slowly. I tend to move too fast with guys sometimes. I don't think my "number" is especially high or anything but there are several one time offenders on that list. Not one night stands, but guys that I have slept with too quickly and then things haven't worked out for whatever reason. So, it's sort of nice to take things slowly. At least I won't have any regrets this time.

Burnt Out

2007-02-22T22:39:00.000-05:00

Apparently I was on crack when I thought that it would be a fun idea to train for a marathon. I did not realize that towards the end, running takes up your entire life. I'm tired and hungry all the time and my social life has been shot to hell. And for what, to kill myself to run 26 miles? Why am I doing this? Why do I feel like I have something to prove? Let's see, besides the voracious appetite and falling asleep while I'm driving, let's count the other ways this is taking over my life. Yesterday Erin wanted to go to some social event. I like social events. I like meeting new people. I didn't go because I had to run. She said it was fun. Today, two of my friends called me to see if I was going out (and ask for directions to the bar because I am direction queen.) Couldn't do that either. That new boy asked if I wanted to go out tomorrow, nope can't, have to rest up for my scary 20 miler. There's a touch football tournament all weekend. Nope. There's an oysterfest. Nope once again.

I lurk on the Runner's World and Cool Running forums and when I read race reports, there's something glamourous about them. I don't know why. But training is anything but glamourous. It's a big pain the ass.

And no, I've never smoked crack.

bleh

2007-02-21T22:49:00.000-05:00

I kind of feel like shit. I have been extremely tired all day. I managed to go to the gym and do my 4 miles but it was a struggle. The actual run wasn't so bad, it was getting my ass out of bed after a long post-dinner nap. I know I'm really tired when I crawl into bed and don't even change out of my work clothes.

My face has been extremely dry. The combination of dry heat in my apartment (I'm cold natured and like it WARM), very hot showers and running in the cold has done a number on me. My chin, nose and lips look disgusting. It was so bad that this woman that I work with offered me some lotion. I thought it was just the stubble burn from the other night but when I looked in the mirror, I discovered that no, in actuality, I looked like a lepor. (Okay fine I don't really know what I lepor looks like but my skin was majorly peeling. I guess no apendages were falling off though.)

I'm kind of glad that I'm not going out with that boy tomorrow. I mean unless he's attracted to skin falling off my face into my food. (Okay, sorry gross.) Actually he sent me a text saying that he has a fever and feels horrible. I hope I don't have that. So, while we're on the subject of my insecurities with boys (what, you didn't know we were on that subject?), I think things with this guy are okay. We hung out on Sunday, I texted him on Monday and he responded. He sent me an email yesterday and I responded. He sent me a text today and I responded and then he did. So, that's all good right? He joined my kickball team. That has the potential to add a whole new dimension of drama to my life but I don't need to think about that quite yet.

Okay sleep. Oh and is it possible to use more parentheses in one post?

the bad, the good and the better

2007-02-20T23:01:00.000-05:00

Bad - I messed something up at work that potentially could of cost us like 300 dollars.
Good - I got the company to reprint and we just have to pay for shipping.
Better - I designed these things for the CFO's side business and they came in today and she loved them. They did look nice, IMHO.

Bad - Something was wrong with the air conditioning at the gym. It was very hot.
Good - I still ran 4 miles.
Better - I did not stop at all. Sometime I jump to the side for about 20 seconds to take a drink and sort of take a rest. Lately, I haven't really had to.

Bad - I was supposed to go out with that boy on Thursday and he sent an email asking if we could reschedule for the weekend instead. I'm kind of busy this weekend.
Good - He wanted to reschedule which means that he is still interested in hanging out.
Better - I won't have to potentially miss a run and a personal problem that I'm having will be all better.

I'm tagging myself

2007-02-20T18:36:00.000-05:00

I took this from Jkrunning.

GRUB-OLOGY

What is your salad dressing of choice? Whole Foods Mediteranean.
What is your favorite fast food restaurant? I don't do fast food. But I guess Subway.
What is your favorite sit down restaurant? The Earl. Which is a bar, but they have really good food. Specifically they have a really good marinated tofu sandwich or salad.
On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? 20 percent. I waited tables for a long time.
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Cottage cheese.
Name three foods you detest above all others. Blue Cheese, ham, mayo
What is your favorite dish to order in a Chinese restaurant? Shrimp with vegetables.
What are your pizza toppings of choice? Mushrooms, green peppers, black olives, tomatoes.
What do you like to put on your toast? Peanut butter.
What is your favorite type of gum? I don't chew gum. TMJ issues.

TECH-OLOGY

Number of contacts in your cell phone? It's really sad that I'm about to get up and look - 75
Number of contacts in your email address book? I don't use an email address book.
What is your wallpaper on your computer? F the president in the middle of a basic blue screen.
What is your screensaver on your computer? The generic apple one.
Are there naked pictures saved on your computer? No
How many land line phones do you have in your house? 1
How many televisions are in your house? 1
What kitchen appliance do you use the least? The blender.
What is the format of the radio station you listen to the most? Alternative, I guess.
How many sex toys do you own that require batteries? Well, technically no. They plug into the wall.

BI-OLOGY

What do you consider to be your best physical attribute? Lips
Are you right handed or left handed? Left
Do you like your smile? Yes
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Nope
Would you like to? Umm, no.
Do you prefer to read when you go to the bathroom? Actually, yes. I'm like a guy that way.
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? I'd say taste.
When was the last time you had a cavity? A few years ago.
What is the heaviest item you lift regularly? Ugh, weights at the gym?
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Does passing out on my bed count?

MISC-OLOGY

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? Nope.
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? I don't especially like my name but I don't know what I'd change it to.
How do you express your artistic side? I draw sometimes. And I have a kind of artsy job.
What color do you think you look best in? Blue?
How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison? I'd be crying before I got in.
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? Not that I know of, but probably.
If we weren’t bound by society’s conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at? No.
How often do you go to church? I'm Jewish. But I don't go to synagogue either.
Have you ever saved someone’s life? no
Has someone ever saved yours? no

DARE-OLOGY

For this last section, if you would do it for less or more money, indicate how much.

Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000? I'm kind of shy. Have to think about that one.
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? Yes.
Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? No!
Would you never blog again for $50,000? Yes.
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? Sure.
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? How hot?
Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000? No.
Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000? Dunno.
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? Yes.

boy stuff

2007-02-19T23:16:00.000-05:00

I think I like this boy. But I'm scared that if I admit that, then it will jinx it. I don't know why I act like I'm in seventh grade. I think part of me still is. He said that he was hesistant because if we were on the same kickball team and I guess things didn't work out that would be weird. (That's actually very similar to what A. said.) Which is true, I guess, but I'm willing to give it a try. Besides, he's not even on my kickball team yet. If he's worried about that, he can join a different team. And besides again, he's the one that kissed me not vice versa.

That is not shedding a good light on him, I guess, but it wasn't like that. At all. We got along really well and he asked me all about myself (unlike B, who didn't ask me a thing, who I just happened to notice took me out of his myspace top friends but left my friend JL in them.) and told me that I had beautiful skin. Kissing him did not do good things for my "beautiful skin" however, now my chin looks as if someone has taken sand paper to it.

I get so worried sometimes. I worry that if I get excited about a new guy then I'm setting myself up for dissapointment. It's not a good way to live though. I'm missing out on the butterflies because I'm too scared to let myself feel them.

2007-02-19T14:01:00.000-05:00

I need to go running. I keep putting off my 12 miler. I'm thinking of putting it off indefinitely but trying to convince myself otherwise.

I have stuff to write about but I'm having trouble articulating myself. I couldn't sleep well because there was someone new in my bed but he held my hand and that made me smile. And after a while I realized that maybe there could be something with this guy, maybe this wasn't just another alcohol fueled make out session. I'm confused, it was all sort of sudden and it was late and there was alcohol involved and now I don't know what to think. But it did make me happy when I laid my head on his shoulder and he held my hand.

random thoughts

2007-02-17T18:49:00.000-05:00

I'm supposed to go to this party at an art gallery tonight but I really feel like sitting around doing nothing. I'm old; I can't take two nights out in a row anymore. But I'm going anyway, I guess. I'm supposed to go with a co-worker from my old job. I haven't seen her since I got fired (actually, she got fired too) and we've been talking about getting together for a while now. So I feel like I shouldn't back out because I'm lazy and still a bit hungover. It's 6:52 and I'm still wearing my fleece cloud pajamas.

This weekend has the potential to reak havoc on my liver. There was last night's birthday party, not to mention the fact that I had two beers with lunch (when in Rome, right?). Then I was talking to this guy that I recently met and invited him to something tomorrow. Some brewery anniversary party or some shit. I think I need a break after this.

Once my nose ring fell out while I was having sex. Just thought I'd throw that in there while I'm being random.

A beacon of safety but a pain in the ass for my friends

2007-02-17T15:42:00.000-05:00

I've become really good at not drinking and driving as of late. The involves more of not driving rather than not drinking. I have been taking taxis or having friends drive me home. The problem occurs the next day. My car is always somewhere and I am not. So I have to have someone drive me to get it. I don't want to be the pain the ass friend who always needs a ride. But then again, I don't want to be the pain in the ass friend that always needs a ride because she lost her lisence. (That is one of those words that I can never spell, along with, ironically, exercise.)

Apparently NOT A GOOD IDEA also thinks it's not a good idea. He dropped me off at my apartment last night (hence the not having a car today) and just dropped me off. It's better that way; we should just be friends and that's it.

In more running related, this would only happen to me news, someone threw a soda at me! I was just minding my business running down North Druid Hills (a busy street) and all of a sudden my entire left side was wet. It took me a second to process what exactly happened but yeah, some asshole threw a cup of soda out his car window at me. What the hell? Who does that?

TGIT?

2007-02-15T22:35:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I like Thursday night more than any other night of the week just because tomorrow is Friday. Friday is my favorite day even though I still have to go to work. The whole weekend is ahead of me and the possibilities seem endless. I could go out, I could sleep, I could do a million and one errands and chores. Actually, I have a three day weekend. I think I'm one of the only people that I know that has President's Day off.

I've been doing well in terms of running this week. My runs have been a bit longer during the week (5 and 6 milers) and the long run is a shorter one - 12. I've been going straight to the gym by my office right after work. It's not too crowded and what I like about this gym is the time limit during peak hours is 30 minutes. So basically I've been running for 30 minutes, hopping off the treadmill, waiting in line again and finishing my run on a different treadmill. It is nice to get home by 7ish and then be done for the evening. Lots of people at work have been asking me about my marathon. It's good that I have something to talk about with people, I guess. It's funny. There are about 20 people that work there and I'd say that 13 or so are friendly and the others are not. Not unfriendly, but just don't strike up a conversation. But that's more than half that do, so I'm happy about that. I know everyone's name finally. It only took me two weeks.

I have lots of plans this weekend. It's Emily's birthday tomorrow. I'm supposed to go out with my friend Shelly from my old job on Saturday and I have been kind of asking around to see if anyone is off on Monday that might go out on Sunday. I also have to get a 12 mile run in there at some point.

You know what's fun?

2007-02-13T22:40:00.000-05:00

When you go to the gym after work to run 3 miles and realize that not only have you forgotten a sports bra, but you have also forgotten a hair elastic. But I did the 3 miles anyway with my boobs pratically hitting me in the nose and my hair turning into a giant mess.

We had a staff meeting at work today. Of course, I understood about 2 percent of what they were talking about. They used a lot of acronyms. I did flash back to one of my other jobs and remembered how confused I was at the first meeting and how eventually I got it. So in a couple months, I think I'll be all good. The sales manager introduced me and told them that I was running a marathon. (I have a big mouth.) and two other women came into my office afterwards and told me that they'd run marathons and gave me all sorts of advice which was well appreciated. This one woman even said that she'd run the last couple of miles with me. I don't know why I didn't think of that before, but is there any reason that I can't enlist my friends to run the very end with me?

Waiting

2007-02-12T22:51:00.000-05:00

One of the things that I hate the most about a new job is not knowing what to do when you don't have anything to do. I don't know enough about my job to find something productive to do and don't know enough to know if it's okay to do nothing if there is nothing. I don't want to be annoying and always asking what I should be doing, but I honestly don't know. I just want it to be two months from now. I want to be comfortable at my job. I want the marathon to be over. I want to wear cute tops and flip flops. I tend to do this a lot; I sort of wish my life away.

I went to the gym tonight with the intent of running 5 miles on the treadmill. Not so much. My legs just felt like jello. I don't know why I have such a hard time following the training plan. I mean, besides the fact that it's a shitload of running. I just feel like since I'm following this basic, bare-bones plan, it shouldn't be that hard. I think it was partially mental tonight. I just didn't want to run. The thought of being on that treadmill for 50 minutes was just too much. Plus, my Ipod was dying. So I did the Arc Trainer for 30 minutes instead.

I guess I can't really call myself a slacker

2007-02-11T19:44:00.000-05:00

What I was supposed to do today:

1. Take my recycling to Whole Foods.
2. Grocery shop.
3. Return overdue library books.
4. Go to REI and exchage pants that my mother sent me.
5. Run 3 miles

What I did:

1. Ate.
2. Slept
3. Ate more.

18 miles and a drive of shame

2007-02-11T13:43:00.000-05:00

The first 13 miles or so were fine. Then I had to go to the bathroom. So I stopped at Mellow Mushroom. It kind of went downhill from there. I started to get really cold. By this point the sun was starting to set and I guess that stopping and going into a warm restaurant and back into the cold air just got to me. I had purchased a Propel at the CVS next door but had to throw it away because it was making my hands too cold. I'm a big wimp. It was like 38 degrees out but I felt like I was in the Arctic. Around mile 14 or 15, I just felt like I was never going to get home and I was going to freeze to death. When I finally hit North Druid Hills (the road that I live off of), I felt a bit more optimistic that I would, in fact, make it home in one piece. I kind of got a second wind and even ran a bit faster. At least I felt like I was running faster, who knows? I made it home and took a warm shower and after about an hour or so finally felt warm.

So...the drive of shame part...

This story is going to start out badly from the first sentence. I met this guy in a gas station. We were at a bar next door and I had gone with Erin to the gas station so she could get cigarettes. This guy was in line behind us and we started talking about running marathons. Anyway, long story short Erin and her friend Melissa left me to go to another bar (for some reason I wasn't bothered by this, I was with some other friends) so eventually the guy and I take a cab to the other place. Somehow we start making out and of course as I'm doing this, I run into A, who I'd much rather be making out with. I find Erin and Melissa and we all go to Erin's house and the guy and I are still making out and eventually fall asleep. So, the next morning (which would be today) the guy and I take a taxi to get our cars because Erin has lost her keys. At this point I start to realize that this guy has this annoying laugh that I either didn't notice or overlooked last night. Or he wasn't laughing. But it's starting to bother me. Plus I had a headache. I got to my car and am driving home and am at a stop light and see two of my friends walking down the street. I look like hell. My makeup is all smeared and I'm wearing going out clothes. It's kind of apparent that I haven't been home even though it's past noon. One of them asks me where I'm going and I tell her home. "From last night?" she asks. Umm yeah.

Why do these things happen to me?